I think the very worst thing at the time was how to tell the family. The children were I suppose eighteen, sixteen and fourteen or something like that and, being teenagers it’s a fairly shattering time for them too I think, teenagers. And so I thought, Well, I won’t say anything yet because I haven’t got any symptoms or anything And the only person I did tell was a lovely lady who used to help me for a bit because, my mother-law used to live in this house, and she used to help her all the time, and she sort of stayed on and helped me. And she was the only person I told. And that was for about five months.

Well, over that time I suppose the emotional strain of keeping it to yourself and trying to find a time when it was best for them, to tell them, like being on a farm we had sort of hay, then harvest and there was always something going on at the time and I thought, I can’t tell them now, I can’t tell them now And eventually I think it was before harvest and I thought, Well I was thinking if anything happens to me what would they say? What would they think if I hadn’t told them? And I think especially my daughter, she would have been shattered that I hadn’t let her know. Anyway, I thought, I’ve got to tell them So I plucked up courage one morning and told my husband. Well, I think, I don’t know whether it’s farmers or men in general but he wasn’t, he didn’t look as, sound as though he was particularly worried about it. It was, I’m not criticizing him but I think it’s probably just a shock for them isn’t it? And I don’t think at the time he, when he thought about it he could really handle it. So he sort of shut himself off from it and carried on as normal.

And the children were, they were old enough to understand of course but not old enough to sort of be of emotional support or to, I don’t really, you know, it’s just that I think they weren’t, I think they were concerned but, you know, you can’t expect them to really take it in at that age, put it that way.

So presumably your symptoms sort of came on gradually after that?

Yes, I’d say for about three years I think nothing happened really. And then, as I say, one winter I got this sort of dip down. I think I might have gone to the doctor then and said, Look, I don’t feel very good But she said, Well, just carry on and if it goes on too long come bac, or Go to the hospital But it eventually it worked it’s way up and then after that I didn’t really bother because I seemed to come out of these dips on my own. At first I thought, This is it. I’m going down and that’s it But gradually I learnt that it was just a down. I don’t know why it, I think different people have different symptoms. Not everybody does that, you know, but it’s this, I just seemed to get over it on my own. I didn’t have to have any treatment or anything, these dips they just came and went, went and came, I think, whatever.

And can you describe to me how you felt when you were in one of those dips?

Very tired and, I don’t know, just generally lackadaisical and not sort of really wanting to do anything. I don’t think I felt terribly ill, you know, you could still get up and go but you had to drag yourself about. It was just like sort of having flu or something like that, I think, without the cold. But just feeling generally sort of not well and not particularly ill but just unwell and just very, very tired I suppose. But you could get about and do things but you just didn’t want to.

So were you satisfied at the time with their explanations of why they weren’t going to treat you?

Yes, I thought they told, well, the doctor said it was a chronic one which is incurable, but she said, don’t be too upset She said, They can give you drugs to prolong your lif. And I thought, Well, it’s something I’ll just have to cope with But I’d have rather she’d said, you know, that you got something, we can cure this or something but being the chronic one of course they can’t. I don’t know. I think in a way I was quite pleased because they said they’d lay off treating me as long as they could, and I did think to myself, Oh dear, is it going to get worse and worse? Why don’t they treat meet now But afterwards I thought, Oh good, the longer I go without treatment the better it is

And the other thing was people say, when I was feeling well, Were you sorry I think it was the doctor said to me, Were you sorry we told you at the time You know, and they, I think they have to tell you, don’t they, if there’s something that’s happened. And I said, Well, in retrospect, no, not now because it’s all settled down and I know, and had you told me now when I was beginning to feel ill I think it would have been worse. When I was feeling well, you could cope with it better than when you’re feeling, you’ve starting to feel ill. You probably would have thought the end was nig, sort of thing but as I was well and nothing happened for so long it was much better to have it, you having been told early on I think, yes.