At the moment I don’t feel I ever will be confident enough again. And I, we were going to go on holiday with my sister to Portugal because last year we went and we had a lovely time and we said wed go again this year.

I won’t fly. I don’t want to go which was a little bit upsetting for my sister. We had a few words because she didn’t understand how I felt. I don’t suppose she ever will understand how I felt, but there is no way I am leaving the country. And theres no way I’m leaving Wales. It takes me all my time to go to [the local town] because if anything happens to me, I want to go to the hospital nearby.

And you’d think wouldn’t you, knowing that you’d have a heart attack you’d be out there every day at the gym.

But it’s frightening going on your own.

Yeah. I’m terrified.

Can you explain that a bit more?

What, being frightened? Well I would, I will say I get, I wake up in the morning and I think right now today I will go for a swim. Right, I get my bathing costume, towel, bag, right who can I phone to come with me so then I phone my sister’s husband, no he can’t come.

Right, theres nobody else I can phone is there, right, so I think well I won’t go, I’ll go tomorrow. And then for the rest of the day I feel guilty because I haven’t been but I can’t go because I’m scared, what if anything happens to me in the baths. Who’s gonna be there.

Whose gonna take me home. You know if I’m going to die I want to die at home in my bed. I don’t want to go to a hospital and I don’t want to have an operation. So if I’m gonna have this heart attack, I’m gonna die at home in my bed, so I’m not going out am I?.

And then she told me to lose weight, which is normal isn’t it, that’s what everybody says, I mean they, its either ‘Do you smoke?’ ‘No. ‘Oh well then it’s your weight. Right. So it’s the weight. Now for years, I’ve obviously tried to lose weight for years, and I’ve always had a very active life, I’ve always had I’ve worked on a farm, I’ve had a horse, I’ve ridden every day, I’ve walked the dog, I, all these things you know I’ve brought up three children and I’ve worked since I was 15 – hard.

And it’s only the last three years that I’d slowed down. I’d gone to the gym but even with my work I, I do, I used to do quite a lot of swimming, I used to go four times a week with this particular person for her to have this exercise. So, and wed swim and wed do aqua-aerobics and things.

And I, I was very bitter towards the doctor at first. Not her personally but that, the way, what I thought they should have done for me. I mean in all fairness they have always said, ‘oh you must lose weight, you know you’re too, you’re overweight and all that. But they’ve never ever helped. They seemed to think I could go home and just switch it off and I would lose weight. And every time I went back and I hadn’t lost weight they ‘Oh well. ‘And I’ve stuck to this diet, they didn’t believe me.

I’ve been to Weight Watchers, I’ve done Slimming World, I’ve done every diet in the book and I’ve never lost any weight. And I’ve had, they’ve had my thyroid checked, I haven’t got sugar diabetes, theres nothing wrong with me, I’m perfectly healthy.

I’ve never ever felt like that before. I was absolutely devastated because it was such a shock because as I said I felt fine, back at work, everything. Looking forward to a holiday, which we never had, as I say. So I was absolutely devastated. I don’t think she could have said anything worse to me.

Can you describe some of the feelings you had at that point?

Well I burst in to tears. She cried because I cried. She was very, very sweet. She gave me a box of tissues and all that. I just couldn’t speak. I felt as though the bottom had dropped out of my world and that I was going to die the next day. I thought she was going to send me to hospital, which immediately panicked me but she didn’t. Theres no way to describe really how I felt apart from being absolutely devastated.

Yes I’d like to see how other people cope with their lives. It might help me to come to terms with it if you like because it, I still feel I shouldn’t have had it at my age.

You know I don’t feel old. I don’t, I don’t want to be classed as old, but now I do old things, if you like, whereas before I wouldn’t do it. Now I, I sit at home and I make a rug whereas before I would have gone with my sister horse riding or something, but I won’t go now. So if you like it’s made me old.