Parents of children with congenital heart disease
How it affects grandparents
Parents recalled that although their child's grandparents were shocked, worried, upset and devastated when they learnt that their grandchild had a heart defect, their support had been invaluable during the difficult times ahead.
One mother explains how her mother hid her feelings, trying to be strong for them, and she only found out from a friend later how devastated her mother had been. While some parents had been comforted by the grandparents' tendency to take a positive, optimistic view of the future, one mother felt she needed a more realistic acceptance of the situation.
Explains that she only found out from a friend at a later stage how devastated her mother was by...
Explains that her baby's grandparents were always optimistic and positive when speaking to her...
Many felt that the discovery that their grandchild had a heart condition had been very difficult for grandparents. They were concerned for their children as well as their grandchild and felt helpless because they weren't directly involved. Several parents hadn't realised the impact on their child's grandparents at first because they were caught up with looking after their ill child.
Describe the impact their daughter's diagnosis had on both sets of parents.
Father' Yeah it took them aback a bit, didn't it?
Mother' I think it took them aback but I think they drew a lot of strength from being together and we're lucky that they're very, very close and they spent a lot of time together and when we were actually in the operations they were all together waiting for news and...
Father' Well I think that...
Mother' They helped each other.
Father' I think not just that, it is that the, them as grandparents it's, it's, it's almost more difficult for them because a) they're slightly removed from it, although they want to be completely involved and they're almost waiting for, for us to give them information or to say 'Come in'. Which must be terrible because we're still there [Mother' Yeah] knowing, you know, [Mother' Well they say] all the changes.
Mother' They say, they love the children as if they're their own but they are this step back, it must be awful.
Father' But not just that, I think that, then the thing I didn't realise until your mum said it to me is that you've got to understand that they're my grandchildren but also you're our children as well [Mother' Yeah] and, and you can only understand when you've got children how harrowing it is to see them distraught and upset and worried and you know you almost want to take it on yourself [Mother' Yeah] and...
Mother' We were only worried about Millie and they were worried about us and Millie.
Treatments and survival rates for children with heart conditions have changed dramatically in the past few decades. Grandparents are likely to remember children diagnosed with heart conditions who did not survive which means that they can have overwhelming fears that their grandchild's condition is much worse than it actually might be (see Interview 22).
Grandparents may want to be involved but it can be difficult for parents to keep everyone aware of developments concerning their child's condition. One mother explains how her mum had found it useful to contact the national support organisations directly when she was concerned about her grandson's heart condition but didn't want to upset her daughter by talking to her about it. She had also been able to find out extra information for her daughter.
Explains that her mother had found it useful to contact the national heart support organisations...
But I think that she found that, you know, by talking well getting in touch, there's area contacts there, people that you can ring and I think she found by talking to other people she could sort of scale how serious this was and what the long term affects were as well. And she could ask the questions without upsetting me because I, you know, she was more concerned with not upsetting me so she was in like a no win situation. No one to ask and you know she didn't want to make things worse for me. And also sometimes when you're very close to people it's really hard to talk because you get emotional and you, you get you're almost too involved to be objective. So to have someone else say, you know, 'Well that is normal isn't it?' you can sort of go 'Oh yeah, it is'. You know, whereas you might sort of, talking, you know, me and my mum talking together, wind each other up. Sort of go, 'Is it serious, I don't know'. You know, you almost need someone to sort of stand back and say, you know, 'Yes that is bad but this is what you can do'. And just keep their level head, you know, for you. So, yeah, I think my mum found, you know, that that was brilliant for her.
They sent her a video of the operation so she looked at that before me. And sort of said 'I don't know whether you should watch that yet. We'll give it another time when it's closer to when Jack's got to have his operation' and, you know, 'We'll look at it then'. Which it, it helps me because she helps me make decisions like that because she's found out separate information.
Some parents recalled that their child's grandparents were concerned at first about looking after their grandchild when they were on medication, or before corrective surgery, in case anything happened and they couldn't cope. One couple felt that their baby daughter had missed out on day trips with her grandparents because they lived a plane journey away from them, and during her treatments and recovery they had not been able to visit them. One mother describes the close relationship her parents had with her son when she was a single mother.
Describes the close relationship her parents had with their grandson.
Last reviewed July 2018.
Last updated April 2010.