How has the family and your wider family reacted to all this?

At first they were the ones that were all in tears and I said, “I don’t want no tears”. Then I was told by one of the nurses “That’s out of order Dave, I know the way you feel but you should allow them to cry because that’s the way they feel. Let them go over that first bit first and then try and explain how you feel exactly.” So I did that and then gradually it’s come round to like now my daughter would’ve cried every day right, if I said, “I’m not going to die,” shed say “Oh don’t’ use the word die,” and start crying you know.

Where as now I say to her “I’ve booked up my holiday and I couldn’t get such and such a date,” and she will now say to me “Well stop moaning, thinking yourself you’re having a holiday, you’re not supposed to be here,” because the fear has all gone out of it, and I think the fear has gone out of it because I’ve kept up my end so much; ignore it, laugh at it, you know that’s the wa; I’ve been now that everybody is now seeing things my way.

You know my wife will say, “As far as I can see theres no killing you, you know, whether you want it or not theres no killing you’, and my cousin has been up and visited me and brought his son with him you know and his other son couldn’t make it but said hed get up as soon as possible and then I spoke to him and said “Look you know I know what you’re saying you want to get here as soon as possible because if anything happens.” He said “Yeah.” I said “You’ve known me long enough you trust me, if anything is going to happen I’ll phone you, then get here, don’t rush your backside off for no reason.” So he hasn’t done so and I’m very happy about that;

Anyway the following week, after I’d had the biopsy results from my specialist I went round and told her [my mother] and she took it very well, it was as though it didn’t phase her too much. She said, “Well you’re okay, you’re going to have the operation next week so that’s fine.” And so my mother was fine, my father sadly passed away in 1991, my partner was very upset and my sister was upset. My brother, well we haven’t really hit it off for quite a long time now but following the operation he came to see me in hospital and we sort of became pals again in a way;

Well my wife and that, I’ve got two sons and well for my wife shes been very supportive for me, shes all these things, shes a rock and my anchor and all this sort of stuff, shes been a great support for me, front line soldier. You get a wee bit short tempered and you’re not conscious of being short tempered but I get a wee bit short tempered without realising it but my wife herself shes got a good understanding of that I think and shes helped me.

And I’ve got two sons one lives at home, hes in the process of setting up his, moving out of the family home, setting up his own home just now and hes been, my son hes been very supportive and my eldest son hes, he lives away, he lives down south, he lives down in York so hes a bit of a distance away. But as soon as [my son] had, as soon as he, my eldest son heard the news well it was he and my grandson came up you know within hours of hearing to see what it was. But to see if he could do anything for us but were a strong family, were a close family, weve got our faith and we found all these things have got an accumulative effect, these slide into the, that’s what the family units are all about, have your family and that and family has been very important to us.

I didn’t have any family support. I think, I don’t know whether it was that because they’re of an age where cancer was a death sentence immediately, they were frightened I really don’t know, I never got to the bottom of it;

So I, and I said I didn’t see them for twenty months but, or I didn’t see my sister for twenty months and I’ve only got the one sister. I’ve only got one nephew now and I’ve spoken to him three times on the phone and never seen him which is hurtful because on the other hand when my sister has been ill I was always there. I would call round, I would go and see her in hospital but according to my brother in law the hospital that I was going to when I was in it was too far for him to travel. But they’ve got a car.

How awful.

So that was, it was. But there again as my friend says “You’ve managed to get through a horrendous twelve months, you’ve come out the other side, you didn’t need them then so you don’t really need them now.” But I’ve got to admit at least I have seen my sister, she did finally come round and see me just after Christmas last year. But things will never ever been the same of course. But as far as my friends are concerned they came up trumps;

But members of the family need just as much reassurance and they need just as much support, probably as what the patient does, you know. And in my case probably some members of the family even more than I needed it, you know, because they were just so terrified.

Did they have any access to any sort of support apart from you supporting them?

I think they couldve had if they’d have wanted but my husband is not, and probably most men are in the same boat, they wouldn’t go for that support anyway, they don’t want to talk about it to anybody else. So I think it were a case of family members supporting each other more than any outside help you know. But we always knew it were there if we wanted it. Like you know the Macmillan organisation were brilliant, I love plugging them (laughs).

What about neighbours, can you talk about this to neighbours?

Yeah, when I first had it certain people that I’ve known, I mean I’ve lived on this estate for just over forty years and certain people will almost cross the road not to talk to you because I think they were frightened of what to say, didn’t know how to treat you.

How did that make you feel?

That makes you feel very uncomfortable but eventually everything is back to normal. In fact theres one little old lady just a few doors down she rings me up. I go round and see her virtually every day to see how she is, shes eighty four so I always pop in and see her and she rings me up if shes got a problem. But she rang me up yesterday and she said, “Haven’t seen you for a couple of days,” because I’ve been actually busy thinking about moving house so I’ve been looking everywhere for some, new premises and she said “I haven’t seen you for a couple of days, you’ve not been poorly have you?” So I had to go pop round and see her to show her that I wasn’t poorly yes.

That’s nice.

Yes.

Yes so interaction with other people can be tricky to start with.

Yeah it can be tricky to start with. I think because they don’t know what to say they’re a bit worried about putting their foot in it sort of thing but no. I suppose with some people it can be a bit awkward but with me it just didn’t bother me at all, yeah.

And I call this the crossing the road syndrome and the reason I call it that is that people actually who know you and who actually like you, cross the road when they see you because they just don’t know what to say. And I get on far better with my old friends from London who phone up and say, I answer the phone, and I say good morning and I say the number and they say things like “Oh great you’re not dead yet then we can have a chat,” and we both laugh and then we start chatting. And that’s what people I think have to realise with cancer is that just because you’ve got cancer you’re not dead, if somebody has a heart attack you don’t start talking about the person as if they’re dead and gone already. But with cancer very often people do talk about you, they talk about you as if you’re not there, you know they say to your wife “Isn’t it a shame that hes got it?” and you’re sitting there, you say “Excuse me, hello I’m still alive.”

I think they’re frightened, I think it’s like when you get a death in the family people will cross the road so as not to actually have to bring up the subject and I think it’s the same with cancer;

Do you think it’s the same with all cancers or more so with lung cancer?

I think so more so with lung cancer because people think you’re dirty because you smoked. But they don’t, I don’t think they really realise it’s not only from smoking it’s, theres other things that you know that it’s caused by. But also I think that they can’t bear to think that they’re going to see you suffer. With a lot of cancers you don’t actually suffer, with lung cancer your breathing is very bad and you’re gasping for breath and I think that is the bit they don’t want to know. So if they detach themselves from it then they’re not.

What makes you feel this feeling that people think you said you’re dirty because you smoked?

Well I think a lot of people think you’ve caused it yourself by smoking. I know eighty percent of the lung cancer cases are caused by smoking but there are cases that it’s not caused by smoking.

Have people actually said that to you or is that just your thoughts?

No, no I did have one person say to me “Well you shouldn’t have smoked should you?” But it was fashion in the sixties you, it was fashion, you went along with it and once you’re on it you can’t get off it (laughs). But no a lot of people, even now when you say “Oh I had lung cancer,” they look at you and say “Did you smoke?” you know and it’s just really a natural reaction that when you have lung cancer people automatically think you’ve brought it on yourself and it’s a sort of a stigma;

How has all this affected family and friends, relationships?

In a very positive way in general. The only down side is the fact that you become self absorbed and you become just fascinated in your own condition and prospects and have little time and interest in other peoples concerns. And that doesn’t help the interplay between family and yourself. But on balance people are kind and helpful and positive and quite shocked as well. It does impact, people do, I know I’m aware of a lot of friends and family re-evaluating their own relationship with recreational drugs and working conditions and urban conditions in light of my circumstance yes.

That’s very interesting. Do you feel you can talk to neighbours about it and how do they react?

Yes with great ease and I can talk to neighbours about it and [they’re] shocked just because I look so fit and well and they were all quite shocked yes.

Well to start from the beginning, when word got out that I had cancer I would say 95% of my friends couldn’t face me. My home looked like a florists although that was the time that I did cry, the first time I cried because I sat down and I thought it looks like a funeral parlour and I’m not going die. So I gave myself a talking to and said, “No people are frightened, they wanted to do something and they felt by sending me a bouquet of flowers and a few kind words that’s all they could do for the time being.” And I will say a lot of my friends also went rushing to the doctors for check-ups thinking well if Maureen could be ill, so seriously ill when she looks and behaves like she does there might be something wrong with me.

And since then I’ve had amazing support from friends but various, some have stepped away because they find it difficult to handle, I’ve even had “Oh I saw you the other day Maureen walking along the road but you looked so poorly I hadn’t got the courage to approach you because I didn’t know what to say.” And that I can understand and then others who I thought couldn’t handle it have been right there with me the whole time.