Rani – Interview 07

Rani cares for her husband who has depression and he is very much dependent on her. She finds it hard, especially since she suffers from ill health herself.

Rani (62) lives in the Midlands together with her husband Rafeeq. About three years ago Rani started noticing changes in her husband’s behaviour. He became very restless, started talking to himself and he often woke her up in the middle of the night, shouting. He also developed a short temper, which Rani found difficult to live with. About two years ago, he was diagnosed with depression and his doctor signed him off sick.

When Rafeeq was diagnosed, Rani was told he needed someone to look after him. Given her own health issues, Rani struggles with everything that needs to be done and with the added responsibilities for looking after her husband.

Both Rani and Rafeeq have physical health problems. When Rafeeq is ill (he suffers from gastric problems), Rani needs to come with him for his medical appointments, and this can be very hard when she is unwell herself. But, as she says, in a crisis, ‘Allah orders me to be well’.

Rani says Rafeeq is very dependent on her, and she can’t really go anywhere without him. His behaviour, often thinking someone is following him, is hard to live with, and Rani says it is difficult to get enough sleep, which has negative effects on her own health.

Rani struggles to get through all that needs to be done in the home. Rafeeq is not able to help in the house or even with carrying shopping. She says the most helpful thing for them would be if they could receive more home help.

Rani and Rafeeq get support from a local carers organisation. Rani goes to their centre for fortnightly meetings, and each week someone comes to spent time with Rafeeq for a few hours, often taking him for walks. They also had some family therapy in the past, but it didn’t help much, Rani says.

Rafeeq used to be strong, working full time and praying five times a day. Back then they had much better lives, but now life is full of tension and Rani finds it hard to cope. Rani and Rafeeq also find their neighbourhood threatening, and say the local youths are causing them grief.

Despite her difficult situation Rani says many people are worse off than themselves. She says she puts her trust in Allah.

Rani feels restricted in what she can do because she needs to be with her husband.

Age at interview 62

Gender Female

I can’t go anywhere or to any party and I can’t go anywhere for shopping. Whenever he goes I also go with him. Sometimes my brother comes and I go with him for grocery shopping in the week. Sometimes we’ll both go or sometimes I’ll go alone, I never go far. That’s been happening for two years, they diagnosed him and they said he needs somebody. He’s not working.

Did he leave his job?

The doctor signed him off sick. He had gastric problems before but after he came home he was diagnosed with depression.

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Despite her own ill health, she needs to look after her husband’s physical health as well as…

Age at interview 62

Gender Female

Yeah, they have all the list in the file, now that’s going on continuously. He is sick like that and I’m also looking after him, doing whatever I can and whenever I can’t I don’t know. Sometimes I also become nervous. I have no blood in my body (anaemic)’

When pain comes I put ointment on him and take him to the doctor, when he needs to go to see the doctor I go with him, and if he has an appointment at the hospital I’ll go with him. Last Friday he had an appointment at the hospital for an endoscopy, I took him at 9.30am, so if he’s sick she can take him to the hospital, that won’t be any problem. At the hospital they gave him three injections in the arm, they did the endoscopy then his stomach was full and he started to feel some pain. Then they called the head doctor immediately. They took him on his bed to the recovery room but the pain was the same, his bladder was full, somebody said to go to the toilet, he went to the toilet but the urine didn’t clear and then he started to shout then he said to me go and take’ When I came I saw that his blood pressure went up to about 200 and his heartbeat stopped. After that the head doctor came and gave him six injections and saline and also oxygen. After that the blood pressure became normal, after all that, at 5.30pm somebody called from my home and I wanted to go home but I said, couldn’t go home alone, ‘You come here and get me, I’m sick myself. But on that day Allah ordered me to be well. [Weeps]. What sin did I commit?

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Rani’s husband keeps her awake at night, which affects her blood pressure.

Age at interview 62

Gender Female

And he talks without any meaning a lot, he washes his face and hands for a long time, he’s like that, he asks all the time why about what is here and why. For lunch time I serve lunch, after having lunch he walks around in his room. Sometimes he shouts in the night and you know I am also sick and he wakes up in the night and shouts and talks and I can’t sleep. After I wake up I can’t sleep and I have high blood pressure, at that time my heart beat is fast, heart beat is going fast and that disturbs my sleep.

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Rani says we can’t know who will fall ill, it is up to Allah and we should not worry about it.

Age at interview 62

Gender Female

I felt pain before now it happens more often. I’m always thinking about him because he was so healthy and worked before, he worked regularly, he used to pray five times a day now it’s a tension, isn’t it? You can also see that he is a good person but how could we know that he was sick on the inside? Who knows?

That is Allah’s order that he is sick, what can I do? Most people are sick. No, I don’t worry, I don’t worry because that’s Allah’s will. Sometimes you can see the one healthy person is chatting or watching TV then he has a heart attack, so? I never hide that he is sick, I also have lots of problems, people ask me what about you? Then I tell them I’m fine, I’m very well, it’s Allah’s will that I am fine, some people are handicapped, they have no hands, legs, eyes. They have lots of problems. I am better than them and I like to thank Allah for that. Everybody says that I have this problem, that problem, I don’t care about that, I don’t concern myself.

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Rani’s husband has started to shout and talks to himself, which is frustrating, especially at night.

Age at interview 62

Gender Female

He’s been sick for two or three years. He was well before and he worked, I asked him why does he shout? Why are you like that? Why do you talk too much? I don’t like it. I talk a little and that’s what I like. Lots of talking is not good and now I realise that he’s not well. That’s why he talks too much, he talks unnecessarily. When he sits alone he talks to himself, he says that he hasn’t done this or that, he shouts unnecessarily. I tell him not to shout but to sit quietly and it will be OK. Sometimes he understands and sits quietly.

Does he always speak like that?

Yes, he talks like that and sometimes he gets angry, he gets angry in a very short time, he talks to himself when sitting alone’

He can’t sleep and talks in his sleep like somebody is trying to hit him, he thinks somebody is trying to come to him, he talks so much then I said why are you talking like that? Sometimes I say I didn’t speak to you, please go back to sleep. Then he says no, no, you spoke to me, look my pulse rate has gone up, blood pressure. How could I sleep? Then he says OK, I won’t speak again, how could you understand him? He does this three or four times a day, if he watches TV or reads some books that would be OK but he doesn’t do that, he just talks to himself like you didn’t iron my clothes, you didn’t ready it for me, don’t worry, don’t talk so much, it will be ready on time. He says OK, I’m sitting here.

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After her husband got ill, they found it hard to understand each other.

Age at interview 62

Gender Female

What would give you more help and what makes things bad?

Whatever I can I do it myself, if somebody helps out my family will go peacefully, if the husband and wife has an understanding there will be no problem in my family. If he talks too much and I also shout at him then we’ll have a fight. So if the husband talks and the wife stays down that will be OK. Sometimes the husband has to understand that his wife is saying something but it’s better for him to keep quiet, then things will be OK, there will not be any trouble, that’s all.

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