College was fine as far as the work was like most anorexics I am a perfectionist and when I was trapped in anorexia, I would do homework set that day on my breaks at college to be the best I could be and also to avoid my friends.

As I got iller the work load got stressful but college was hopeless they had said they would take the pressure off me but then started complaining when I hadn’t handed one essay in after a particularly hard weekend for me.

My tutor had called me in for a meeting as a friend had gone to her concerned about me. All they did was give me information about Beat but because I was in denial about my anorexia I never used it. Other lecturers tried to make me eat lunch or informed other lecturers that I wouldn’t be paying attention in classes as I hadn’t eaten!

When I was at the unit, I was only allowed to go to one lesson a week, only increasing the number of lessons I went to if my weight went up. Originally college said they would give me a home tutor but when I started going to three lessons a week they said I didn’t need it any more, even though I was still missing nine lessons!

I kept to the college timetable at home; did extra work and was getting excellent grades but they still complained about me not being there. They told me off for not going to English Literature even though I was further on in the set book than everyone else and I literally couldn’t go to lessons as they were over lunchtime or a time when I was supposed to have an Ensure.

In March two months before my A-Levels began they called my Mam in for a meeting to say I had missed too much college and would fail my A-Levels. They advised me to take a gap year. My Mam disagreed as she knew I was working hard and that getting into University was my motivation to eat. So she told me to stuff the unit and college; how I would go to as many lessons as possible I started going to 10 out of 12; revised as much as I could and ended up with 3 C’s!

I’m a full time volunteer for My Personal Best and I helped set up the website. I am also the co-manager of the Twitter account where I regularly tweet motivational quotes. Whilst I was in Australia I kept a blog on the website, to show people the positive things you can do. I also sent in photos of Australia for their Flickr account. I have given one presentation for MPB at a conference in Brighton and I wrote a monologue about my anorexia for the MPB event in conjunction with Body Gossip.

The site encourages young people to be positive and to actively work at goals. It is not just for people with eating disorders but all mental health illnesses. You can record your daily goals on the planner – it’s one of the only places where you can be praised for managing a successful trip to a supermarket!

Anorexia nervosa to me was my way of control, my best friend, the one thing I was good at and the way I dealt with my problems. The unit did take my anorexia away from me. They stopped my life and forced me to eat 3 meals a day, two snacks and three ensures straight away. My life was controlled by other people and the one thing that was keeping me going was taken away.

What do you mean by saying that anorexia was the one thing I was good at?

At school, I struggled to fit in and it was the same at college. Although I was very academic and got very high grades, I never felt they were good enough for my parents, especially my Dad. I was on the hockey team at school but more for fun than anything else. Although I had my own hobbies, to me, I never felt like any of them was good enough. Instead I excelled at anorexia, something none of my friends could do, considering they couldn’t even last a day on a diet. I guess at the time anorexia gave me an identity and something to be proud’ of.

I began self-harming when I was 15 as a way of punishment too and a way out from the person I was. Self-harming is still a problem for me I have been battling it for nine years and I am not sure I will ever be able to stop. Self-harming is a release to me and because I hate myself so much it is a way of hurting and justifying the hatred I have for myself. I have never received specific help for my self-harm; my therapist at the adult unit knew about it and tried to get me to use different things to cope with these feelings like wearing an elastic band on my wrist or distracting myself until the feelings of wanting to self-harm had gone away. I have tried all of these and more. Nothing works for me. It is also the one thing I have left to cope with my feelings and I told my therapist I did not want to stop it. I have been to hospital for self-harm before as well but they did not understand at all they just looked at me like I was stupid.

I think my mam finds it difficult to let me make my own decisions and mistakes and not knowing everything about me anymore. Ironically my dad understands a lot more now; he reads articles on eating disorders all the time and is even giving advice to a colleague at work whose daughter’s friend is ill. My mam says she’s finding it hard to come to terms with the fact everything is okay now and she regularly gets upset or angry with me. There is hardly any trust between me and my parents, regarding food. I returned from Australia healthy, yet I am constantly questioned if I have eaten that day or shouted at if I go out with no tea even though I will eat something when I come back in! It frustrates me because I am 24 now.

I came up with the idea of a compliments book whilst on holiday in Rome with my mam last year. I had been receiving lots of compliments from men every day and our last night two boys even gave me roses in the restaurant because they thought I was beautiful. Since I think I am ugly, it was a lovely self-esteem boost for me and I decided I would write compliments down. I write them on one page and on the other I put a nice picture of myself. I read it when I am feeling down. It does help but at the same time I have managed to fill two whole books and yet still I am not happy with who I am.