At that whole, that whole time all that was on my mind entirely was what I’m going to eat or not, exercise and everything like that. I would, I remember sitting there in lessons and just that’s all that I was thinking about. I remember like sitting there and listening but also making notes, sort of numbers and calculations, and all that sort of horrible things. It was on my mind all the time. And I think that’s also the real change that my parents noticed, and started noticing things were wrong. Because I would just sit there starting, absolutely vacantly, and say nothing at all for days, and of course whilst I was sitting there all sedately, in my mind was this angry rush of , you’ve probably heard, but you do kind of associate the illness actually as a different a voice almost. And actually you would it’s your, it’s my own voice.

But yeah, thinking about it all the time, all the time and so it, inside I was sort of loud and screaming but outside I would just sit there vacantly the whole time. And I couldn’t think about anything else, I couldn’t talk about anything else. You do start to think, talking about food a lot, and you watch a lot of cookery programmes and then you read all the recipes, all that kind of obsessive stuff, which isn’t healthy.

And yeah when I was talking, if I’d be with my friends there’d just be, what’s really sad I’d be with my friends outside and they’re all chatting away normally, and all I would want is for them just to shut up, so I could think about what I want to think about. And not have to talk about this stuff that doesn’t matter, because obviously my, my habit is what matters, why do they not realise that? That’s what’s important.

So I’d just want to, I just loved it if I were just on me own for two minute and they would just leave me alone. I could sit there and not talk, not make the effort, because that point, physically as well it was so much effort to talk to anyone and to think about anything else. But the illness was something that I knew, something that was certain. Something that I could think about, which would then, also meant that I didn’t think about any of the difficult things that I couldn’t cope with. I didn’t have to think about anything like that.

But they could have said, You know, eat this or I’ll shoot you. And I would have just, had, not eaten it. And at that point I remember, I didn’t, I don’t think I regretted not having it because, which is terrible but I think I did feel bad I think seeing my family like that, I did feel really bad because it made me think of how they must be feeling, because obviously I’m their daughter and I’m killing myself. And that must have been dreadful.

And whilst it often feels like the eating disorder is in control of you, you are still a person, you are still there somewhere, and you will come out again when you get rid of it. And don’t listen to what people say when you can’t get better. Don’t listen when they say, Once an anorexic always an anorexic. It’s not true. That’s just rubbish.

I went to speak at another sort of parent group thing at a specialist unit and again, just hearing the stories cos it’s sufferers are very similar in what you go through and it’s just being able to reassure their parents that again, this is going to happen and you have to do this and I know it’s going to be hard but there is hope and you can get better. And I think just them being able to see somebody like me who is healthy again, just gives them that hope.

And, so yeah, just involve with so many things through Beat, which is great and I love being able, to help other people and just give them that encouragement and speak to sufferers as well and help them and I think it’s been the best thing I could ever have been involved with. It’s just been fantastic.

So yeah, I remember that day I remember sort of thinking, So okay, right, fine I can get better then. I’ll and so I was still thinking of it in terms of weight, I wasn’t thinking of it in terms of anything else. So I started to up my food intake and all that kind of thing, and then I saw a dietician at the hospital regularly. And from then on I did get better physically because I became almost, I became almost as obsessed with gaining weight as I did with losing it. And with reaching the weight that I should be as I did with losing it. So it was, for everyone else it was, it was brilliant, Great she’s better. And she’s putting weight on, that’s the end of the story.

So I did get better, and I put on weight really quickly because obviously you’re very aware with having an eating disorder you’re aware of what’s your, what’s your, you’re aware of what’s going to make you gain or lose. So as long as, I could eat any amount of things as long as I decided that I could, and as long as I was controlling that I could. So I’d make, the dietician gave me a meal plan and I thought I want to gain weight fast enough so that I can stop gaining it, and so I’ll just double that, and I, I just had, I had loads and I gained the weight I needed to and I did admit that I sort of felt, felt better and felt healthy again, and looked better and that. But at the end of it I expected that when I reach this goal weight that that would be it, and everything would fall into place. So I was, the reason I was working so hard for that was because I thought that was going to be it at the end.

But it was better because I could be at school, I could be with my friends, and I was sort of normal again. But it, it wasn’t entirely better because I got there and thought, So I’ve lost the sort of anorexia sort of friend if you like, and I’ve lost everything that I wanted to do and could do, and was good at, and that was part of me, and so you feel so different, I was no longer the person I used to be before the eating disorder, I’m no longer the person I was with it, for a while I’ve been able to sort of postpone all these feelings, because I’d been focussing on gaining it, and that’s, that was my thing. Now what have I got? I’m not who I was before, I’m not who I was now, I’m just this person that I don’t know, and I’ve got to kind of get to re-know myself because obviously in the meantime, had none of this happened I’d have been going through teenage years, and growing, developing an identity, doing all these things with friends, but I thought well I’ve lost all these and I don’t know who I am anymore.

I’m not quite sure if like experts would say this, but I think a lot of it is kind of bad fortune and timing in that bad things might happen at a time when you’re feeling quite vulnerable. And they come to, collide together. I suppose that’s why so few, few people have it because it’s a matter of bad things colliding at the wrong time. That’s why it’s normally only teenagers because they’re quite hard years, aren’t they?

So a lot of it’s that, so if it does happen to someone then it’s not, it’s not necessarily their fault. It’s not something they’ve done wrong; it is just a matter of these things coming together at the wrong time. So it’s so unfortunate. And it’s really sad, but it can, it’s okay, you can get better.

And then when I get to obviously a teenager and you start to grow and change, so I noticed, I probably over noticed that I was starting to grow and change and get bigger still so, very slim but not, you know you grow obviously, and I think that was just a reflection of how I was at the time, but everything was changing because really at that age you overreact to everything. And it was, it’s exam pressure and friends changing and everything in life and people, everyone I love are dying, and, so sort of turbulent times. And I guess that was sort of reflected in the way that I was changing physically. And I thought Well if this is what growing up is, then I, I don’t want to change, I want to stay the same. And so I guess I took that as a reflection through, Okay well I’ll keep my body the same, and obviously all very unconscious, but I’ll keep myself as the innocent little child like I am, because it’s so much nicer back there.

I kind of always wondered if I had had therapy and counselling what, what would I have uncovered? Would it, I’m not, I never know whether to be, you’d think someone like me would have had mountains of therapy. But I haven’t. And so you think I was very interested about it. I think is it really, should I be sceptical, is it a load of nonsense? And do I always thought I know my own mind better than they do. But I wonder. But I think it might just be because I’ve not been able to talk to someone about it, I’ve just had to think about it a lot. And now that, since, when I was ill that was just a waste of time. But now that I’ve been better and I can see things logically, and also I’ve, you do, you do your own sort of research because that’s another thing that’s quite important to me now and in a way I kind of wish I didn’t, but I do think about kind of eating disorder things quite a lot. And I wish that I didn’t.