Oh gosh. Well I would say if your doctor’s considering ECT and they are recommending it for you, then you know, they must have a good reason for it, and it is in the right circumstances a very effective treatment, a fast effective treatment. It works faster than medication I believe, and it’s very safe. It may be a bit scary, but they’ll tell you all about it. I think I on the whole had a good experience of it and positive experience of it. So yes, if they are recommending it, then go for it [laughs]. I would do it again, if I got really depressed again, if I was dangerous depressed again, I would do it again.

Because I just recently started this psychology treatment and after my first appointment with the psychologist and shes a lovely lady, but I still worry about it afterwards and I did tell her. I did tell her, I said, I did worry about it. But like she said, you know, she has nothing to work on if, if I don’t talk or say anything and I’ve not had the kind of reaction that I’ve perhaps assumed, you know, I’ve had a, I’ve been talking to someone about it, it’s been different from my. Their reaction has been different from what I’ve assumed it would be, because I’m thinking one way so I just assume everyone else is thinking in that warped way.

So you mean in a negative sort of?

Yes.

And obviously I mean coming from you know, almost forced to talk to your GP initially to having relationships with several psychiatrists and so on

Yes, I’ve come a long way.

Yes.

It doesn’t bother me now.

But how have they been for you. You’ve tended to talk about them in quite positive terms.

Yes. Yes. I miss my psychiatrist I’ve been seeing the longest, the one in [name of country], I probably been seeing him since 2007, almost every week. I had a regular appointment with him for an hour every week. We had a good relationship but even the first time I went to meet him, when I got home, I thought oh no, he got me to tell him things which I’d never told anybody before. Oh why did I tell him about that?’ Things that I’d done to myself when I was young. Self-harm etc. I just felt, oh I can’t go and see him again, I can’t go and see him again after that, and I was just cross with myself for having told him these things. I very nearly didn’t go back to see him again, but I did, and I’m glad I did, because as I say, we did develop a good therapeutic relationship and over the years and hes been a very positive influence and very helpful particularly in problem solving and sort of psycho therapeutic approach, and really not just medication.

Well yes, I was discharged. I went home and about a week afterwards I went for an outpatient maintenance ECT treatment at my local hospital. And that is the worst ECT I have ever had and I didn’t have any more, maintenance ECT I refused to have any more after that. Maintenance ones anyway. I think they totally fried my brain, because I can remember going there. The preparation and everything. It was a Friday. And the next thing I remember is Monday. I have absolutely no memory for the rest of Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

And yet apparently I walked home. I had someone fixed up to give me a ride home. But they couldn’t get hold of them and I asked if I could walk home apparently and they let me walk home which I think was a big mistake [laughs]. Because I was not at all with it. And I walked home, and my daughter when she saw what I was like. I must have been disorientated or something and she called various people. My psychiatrist and GP and whatnot and they admitted me, you know, to recover from this one ECT and the next thing I remember is on Monday. I don’t remember anything for about three days really. So that put me off a bit [laughs].

What was the effect? Well it’s not like a light switch. It wasn’t a sudden thing I would say. I remember some of the things that I did on the ward, like sort of the occupational therapy type things. But for the length of time that I was there, theres so much that I don’t remember. That’s why I don’t know whether it was unilateral or bilateral. It certainly must have been a lower dose and although you come round very quickly from it. You’re sort of sleepy. Sometimes I would sleep afterwards for a while, sometimes I would be wide awake and just be able to carry on. Other times I was totally disorientated and not, not know where I am or where my room is or whatever for a while. But from a mood point of view, well it just, things must have improved because I didn’t have the thoughts so much or I’d have the thoughts but they weren’t so intrusive. And I was able to do other things like these other activities that we did on the ward.

I still find it difficult to talk about some things to do with my mental health with even people I am very close to, so it’s still attached to a sense of, for me, a sense of shame or something like that, failure or whatever.

And you were saying before that’s your sense of it, but people have reacted differently?

Yes. Yes.

And has that always been the case or have you found who to talk to, and who not to talk to over the years, or how has it worked out?

It’s a relatively recent thing that I’ve talked to anybody so [small laugh] yes, I found, it’s, it’s taken me all my life probably to find, to feel comfortable, to find, to feel safe talking to close friends about things. And certainly no I wouldn’t want to just talk to anybody. Yes, there are those you can talk to and those you can’t talk to. Yes. I do feel that and of course any professionals in the field I used to find it difficult even to just go and see my GP about it, but I’ve come a long way from then, in a good way I think, because no one can help me if I don’t talk about it. But I still get anxious if I’m meeting somebody new and then afterwards I go over it in my mind. I think did I ramble on too much or did I say the wrong thing?’

I know a lot more about it now. At the time, I didn’t quite understand. They use a whole different language don’t they? Like you won’t know this but like clothes privileges. Like my psychiatrist arranging my admission over the phone and saying oh I could have clothes privileges. I thought what on earth are clothes privileges? It meant I could have my own instead of hospital clothes. And I had my own room actually which was nice, because most the rooms were not single rooms except the secure rooms. There were two seclusion rooms and a couple of rooms, which were single rooms with cameras in.

My experience was, I can’t remember much about it. I was so, I was so distressed at the time, I spent my whole time in my room and I very rarely ventured out of my room. I was very ashamed, embarrassed. That was just me, and it just felt terrible. I hadn’t wanted to go in there, you know, it was just really terrible that I had to be an inpatient. But I had gone in voluntarily, but then I still wasn’t really given the option. It was said well if you don’t go in voluntarily then well make you, you’ll have to go in. They said that every time. Every time to me. And then I’ve gone in voluntarily and then while I’ve been in there they’ve then sectioned me. I’ve been sectioned, virtually every time I think. I supposed they’re just worried for my safety.

And we had a named nurse each day. Theres a big sort of kitchen dining room area where we would have a community meeting each morning after breakfast. There was an activities leader and she would do relaxation and those that could go out of ward had a walk as well. But I still just, I found that, particularly that first admission, just horrible, because I’d never experienced anything like that before and I found that, yes, very hard, mainly because I felt so ashamed of everything. Ashamed of being ill, ashamed of what had been going on.

But it wasn’t anything as bad as the depression I had when I was, when I was over there. I think because again I suppose I hadn’t been for any treatment again and just thought I’d put up with it and hadn’t really got a, first episode anyway, I hadn’t really got a close group of friends that I felt comfortable to confide in. I didn’t feel comfortably confiding with close friends anyway. But that was something that I learnt during that first episode out there. Something I worked on was to trust people and allow myself to be vulnerable with people and be able to share with close friends and that. It wasn’t a weakness and no, I was depressed and yes, it was okay to be depressed.

I did learn a lot more and after that, during that, after, or during that episode, I did make a, build up a group of very close friends that I’d never had before. It sounds horrible doesn’t it. I had friends in this country but no one I felt, I never felt comfortable to talk about very personal things. I kept myself to myself really. But I did learn to, that it was okay to have friends and move on with them, and with the encouragement of my seeing my psychiatrist every week as well. He was very good. Sort of psychotherapy.

I don’t remember feeling, that I didn’t want ECT that or being very anti or anything, because I knew about it. I knew about ECT and I knew it was safe. I’d actually given ECT during a six month job as an SHO in psychiatry. And in those days, with no training whatsoever we actually gave it to the inpatients that were having it. And, the only training was from the anaesthetist I think, it was really basic, it wouldn’t happen like that now, I don’t think. Yes, I’ve seen some dramatic effects on people improving with it. And I suppose I, don’t know whether I thought I would improve or not, but I certainly wasn’t against the idea at all. I knew enough about it at that time to not fear it particularly. I don’t know what I thought it was going to do to me, but I wasn’t afraid of it. Because I know it can kind of does conjure up fear in some people I think

My husband had gone away working again. It was not what I wanted him to do. But he felt he had to. So again I was on my own. The children were older, but I was on my own and living so far out, living 11km’s out of town working and running the B&B. I wasn’t looking after myself. I wasn’t eating properly, I wasn’t sleeping properly and I was, I’m ashamed to say this, I was using alcohol. But alcohol I find, if I’m depressed as well, of course it’s a depressant, it makes me impulsive as well, and I’ll do things which I didn’t really mean to do and I took an overdose of tablets actually. Some good came out of that because it meant that I got, it got me some help, it got me to see a psychiatrist, it got me friends, getting a break from work, and friends came round I got close to friends and I built up a network, a support network.

In fact I think it makes it worse, because I thought oh no, I can’t, I can’t get depressed’, you know, I just didn’t want to share how I felt with anybody, either with my GP or someone else. No I kept it to myself and it, I was yes, I wouldn’t say forced into, yes, I suppose I was forced into it really. It was kind of a peer review thing for revalidation and I had mine with a GP from another practice and she persuaded me that I ought to. She thought I was depressed and I ought to make an appointment to see my GP. Or she was going to phone him or something. It was like you’ve got to or else. So, so I did. That was the first time I ever saw anybody about depression and I’m sure I had depression, I certainly have a long history of self-harm as a teenager, as a medical student. Yes. A long, long time. That goes back a long way. And certainly other depressive episodes.