I mean I used to go in and there were some poorly people about but I didnt seem to be poorly, and people would look at me and theyd think, Well what’s she here for? But it were only when I turned round you realised Id no hair because my baseball cap didnt cover that bit. But I were really cheerful and everything, I just, I enjoyed, I’m not saying I enjoyed the chemotherapy, but I knew that whatever they were giving me were making me better. And I think that’s a lot of what kept me going, definitely kept me going.

Youve got to be so positive about what you want, the way you want to do it and you just do it, you go for it, and it really does help. I think if you panic and start thinking, Oh this is going to happen, that’s going to happen, youll be poorly. Youve really got to think, Right, I’m having this done, I’m going to go in, both barrels, take the lot and deal with it. And I know it sounds harsh but in reality that’s what youve got to do, youve really got to just think to yourself, Go for it, whatever they can give you to help you, take it, accept it and deal with it. And I did, and I really did. I mean I didnt know what really to expect. You get all the information and you take as much as you can in on board. But when you’re actually having the treatment youve still got that niggly feeling of, Right, well I wonder what’s going to happen next? But then again youve got to think to yourself, Well whatever happens next I’m going to deal with it, no matter how hard it is I will deal with it. And that just takes you through that little mile longer, you know, you get that extra mile thinking that way, that no matter what you’re going to fight it, youve got to have that on board I think, definitely.

My friends, that were hard work were that, because having to tell them what was matter, that got to me more than anything because they all broke down, everybody you told, it were like, Oh no. And theyd all be in tears and I’m saying, don’t cry because if you cry youll set me off. And they did. I mean I laugh at it now because I think wed a lot of tears, wed had a lot of tears, and it werent tears because of what were wrong with me, it was tears for them because they were just so upset. People don’t know how to approach you. People know that youve got cancer, treat you like you’re an egg shell, they wrap you up in cotton wool, and you’re saying, But don’t treat me like this, I’m no different to you, apart from the fact that, you know. I’m not delicate or owt, Ive just got no hair, and Ive got this and I’m having treatment.

It were, one of my friends she just would never stop crying, so I just says, I’m not going to talk to you no more, stop crying else I’m not talking to you. All she, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that’s all she could say. But that were hard work.

How did your kids react?

Well, as I said, my youngest lad, hes still at home, I think he were doing his A levels, and he had a load of tears and then he says, Ill have to go out mum. And I said, Oh yeah you go out darling. And he went out and he went over to a friend’s house and he stayed at her house, and he just said he couldnt cope with being at home, he said, because his dad were upset and everything. And my eldest son hes in the Army and the worst part about that was that I had to phone him and tell him, and he actually got compassionate leave. But the daft thing about it were he come home and I saw him once and he just, he come home for a week and he disappeared because he couldnt come. It was like, in a way I felt like Id got sommat [something] seriously that I were going to give to somebody, because nobody come near me and I felt a little bit, not alone, well yes slightly alone I suppose, because I wanted my kids near to me, and my kids couldnt be near to me because they were frightened of it.

I suppose I didnt understand it and I suppose also that they didnt want to see their mum not well, because they knew what were going to happen. Because I explained everything to them. I explained about the hair loss, what would happen about the sickness, things that could happen and what had to be done with it all. And I didnt see any of them. And I just thought, Well my son’s come up, hes got compassionate leave, it would be nice to see him, and Ive seen him once and that were it. And then I saw him the day he went back and I just said, Well where have you been? He said, I couldnt stay here mum, he said, I couldnt, I’m sorry but I couldnt stay. So I said, Well you’re better off back down, get back into army.

So he went and but I kept in contact on the phone then and he were fine. And my youngest one came round, he was OK. And I think once they saw that I was getting better with the treatment and stuff, it brought everybody round then, they all started to understand it and yeah, I think they managed it then. Because I mean it’s got to be traumatic for them, I mean even so they were young, even then they were young.

And Id have that for about twenty minutes and then that were it and she says, Oh the next time you come your hair will have probably come out. And I said, Oh so it’s definitely going to come out then? And she said, Oh yes. Because of part of the chemo that I had, I did actually lose all my hair. That were a little bit painful as regards that it burns the follicles in your head and it just, because I didnt have long hair it was easier. And what we eventually did were we shaved my head down so that it was short and then I got in the shower and I just let the hot water onto my head and rubbed my head and it actually rubbed my hair away and it actually But once it had come out I felt so much at ease with it because it had actually all come out and the pain had gone then, you know, there were no sensation on my head.

I lost all my hair, my arm hair, all my pubic hair, everything just went totally. My eyebrows were about the only thing, they went really, really thin but they didnt quite disappear. But my eyelashes, the hairs up my nose, everything just went. And it were a bit funny really when you looked in the mirror because your head were just, it were like it were glowing, it were white with not having any hair and, you know, youd got no eyelashes and you just looked very blank. I used to have a few problems with my nose, they gave me some nose cream, because obviously the hairs up your nose, you know, they protect you don’t they, and you don’t realise how much they do protect you till you don’t have any. The same with the hairs on your arms and your legs and things, you know, I used to have right hairy toes and I still havent got them, I havent got hairy arms any more. Ive just grown hair on my arms, under my arms.

And she were right because within the three weeks that I went back for the second treatment I had no hair. And I started wearing, I didnt like the turbans, I used to wear the baseball cap and I had a lovely soft baseball cap and I still have it now because it’s a little treasure to me and Ive always kept it, and I used to wear that because it were lovely and soft.

I do remember while I was on the chemo I lost all sense of smell and I lost all my taste, and everything I ate tasted like cardboard, it was just horrible. I’m trying to think what did I used to eat that I could taste? Things that were just really tasty I had to eat because all my taste buds had gone. I just remember that everything just tasted really bland and horrible so I used to go for the, I had to be careful with curry because curry used to, it was so sensitive in my mouth, you’re to be careful with spicy food and stuff like that, but stuff that was really tasty I used to go for. I used to eat a lot of ice lollies and all because it just used to cool my mouth down, because it tended to burn my mouth I used to get mouth ulcers and they used to give me the Cocyl mouth wash for my mouth. That were the only thing, these are just the side effects of the chemotherapy. It just affected my nose and my mouth, my throat a little bit.

I think the worst part about it were when I were asleep and I woke up and my head was tingling and Id got up and there were just hair on [the] pillow. And that made me feel a bit sick because I just thought, Oh it’s happening, and it just happened, within a week of me having my first session of chemo, it just started coming out. And it were a bit upsetting were that because I mean to lose all your hair like that. I mean I hadnt had long hair but I just, it were, how can I explain it? It takes a big part of you away does your hair, you don’t realise until youve got no hair just how precious it is to you really. Because it’s your character is your hair, without it you’re just a blank piece of paper, you’re just, and you do, you look so blank with no hair.

And anyway I was the last one in the clinic and I went in to see the chap and, ever such a nice chap, and he just sat me down and he just says, Right weve got your results, and he said, Weve got some bad news but weve also got some good news for you. So I said, Oh alright then so what’s the bad news? And he says, You have non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. And I said, Right, and I said I didnt really understand it. He says, But in your case, he says, Because it’s in your stomach youve gastric lymphoma. So all I thought were Lymphoma, lymphoma cancer. So the first thing I says to him was, I were just stunned more than anything, and I just said to him, Do you mean to tell me Ive got cancer? And he says, I’m really sorry but yes you have. And I said, Right. And he said, It’s in your stomach. And I said, Right.

And I just didnt know what had happened, it were just as if somebody had put a brick wall right in front of me and I were looking for a door to get out and I couldnt get out, and I were just, I didnt panic but it were just like I couldnt go any further in front of myself and all I could think about were What am I going to say? I had a son at home and I had my husband at home and all I were worried about were What am I going to say to em, how am I going to tell them that Ive got cancer? Because wed lost my mum and things werent good, and my friend had it, my dad’s partner had it, my sister had it, and I just thought, What do I do? you know, My poor dad, two of his daughters.

So all I wanted to do were get home, and I said, No, I said, I need to get home. They said, No you cant go home straight away, have a cup of tea, you need to be calmed down. And I said, Well I’m OK, I said, I’m fine, I said, But I really do need to get home because I have to explain this one to my husband. And the nurses, the doctor just said, Can you take her outside and make her a cup of tea and everything.