Frustrating. It does. Frustrating, you know, hard. Very hard. You know, I don’t see my daughter no more, because I’m not the same. You know, my whole life has changed. I can’t be a father for her. She’s got a new step dad and she feels happy with him, you know, educational things and things that she can’t do, things that’s her stepfather can do is take her out the places she wants to go. With me not working, not taking my daughter out, you know, it’s tough. You know, parts that I can take my daughter to do educational-wise and start bringing her up in a very happy way and, you know, moneywise it’s child support. Not being in work I can’t afford to look after her no more and it’s a bit… I found it hard. Very hard. But, yeah.

I get frustrated and that’s why I go through things like angry and frustrated and take it out on people and…It’s not nice. But I’ve got my Mum, [name] and [wife’s name] and my Dad, [name]. Yeah, it’s great to have them behind me, yeah. If I had no one behind me, I just don’t know which way I’d go. I think I’d go the opposite way and drink, drink alcohol and try and forget everything. But, you know, there’s no need for that. It’s trying to get on with our life and trying to get back to what you were whether it happened or not I don’t know. So sometimes it’s frustrating yeah.

I can’t get onto a scaffold no more, in case I have an epileptic fit. That’s another reason. So they’re the anguish things. And trying to use the telephone to speak to people properly. When I phone up a bank on line, you know, over my phone, my wife, I have to hand it to my wife, she will do it.

Why is that?

Why? Because I just don’t know much. I have to keep saying what? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Because it doesn’t store. If it was you, it would go into your brain, you’d know exactly what he said, you can say something. With me, shoo, shoo, it doesn’t happen with me. That doesn’t happen and that’s horrible. That is horrible. If they say, when [wife’s name] is speaking to someone, on the phone to someone like my accountants, or someone like that in the bank, they’ll ask me a couple of questions, what’s your date of birth which I know – your name, your address. Simple. Hand it over. I can do it. I’ve tried to do it when I was at the [rehabilitation hospital], I started to learn how to use the phone again. I done it for a while. It was great, but it’s trying to understand what people are saying at the other end of the phone, People think, you know, you’ve got a brain there. I don’t know, it’s hard. It’s hard. It really is. It really is. It really is. Yep.

I don’t really go with anybody, because the reason if I do go with anyone, the question is, do you want to go and have a drink? I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink. Because if I drink, medication and drink they don’t match and that’s the answer.

I mean love going out with [wife’s name]. We go out I spend a lot of time drinking latte coffee now. And that’s it. That’s my life, and my addiction is going out shopping by myself and clothes. That’s my addiction and that’s being like a teenager. As I said, that’s what teenagers do, get a buzz by shopping. But, that’s what I do. You know, I don’t like going out drinking with people. Because it’s just violence all around wherever you go there’s violence. I’d like to sit in someone’s house and have a meal in someone’s house, or go to a restaurant and have a meal in someone’s restaurant then, yeah. But then I find it hard, obviously going to a restaurant and saying to myself, [participant’s name] don’t drink alcoho. Because drinking one, yes, I feel all right. Two, three, you’re going beyond and beyond and that’s what I find hard, soYeah.

Is it hard to stop when you start?

Yeah. I think with anybody. I think everyone says that. Just a normal person it’s hard, you know. I’m just going to have one glass of wine and before you know it, you’ve had the whole bottle soBut with me with the medication I’m on, they don’t, they just don’t match together, don’t combine. So you’re better off, I don’t know, you know. And that’s frustrating for me. That it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life, if I carry on taking Tegretols, is this…you know, yeah. Frustrating. Everything’s frustrating but, yeah.

Frustrating thing is trying to remember it, but you know, you can, you can do your best. I mean a lot of times people say, [name], write down, write dow. If I was writing everything down, I’d have a book like that, walking around like that, and someone says, [name], you know, do you remember And I’d have to say, Hold up, there’s 2,000 pages her and it would take about six hours to find out what they’re asking. So I can’t do that. I try and remember it. But I can’t. I know my life’s changed. I’d love, as I said, I’d love to know the day neurologists or psychiatrists would say, [name], you have, you know, there’s nothing you can do. Your life has changed

Yeah. I had seizures, you know, I’ve got a broken finger that’s because of coming down one day I had a seizure and I kind of had the seizure coming down the stairs and I broke my finger coming downstairs, bumping down stairs, yeah, I’ve had a ruck. And I’ve had about six to eight epileptic fits, seizures. And it’s not nice; it’s going to happen you know. Whether it is just because of alcohol and medication it’s going to happen. I think it’s going to happen for the rest of my life, which I find frustrated, you know, that my life has changed and I’ve got to, you know, struggle with that. So, but, you know, it’s not nice having, you know, having a carer, which is [wife’s name] is caring for me. She’s with me all day, you know, every day. I mean I do, do small things. I can’t go out and do something on my own for the whole day even just in case I have the fit. You know, it’s not nice yeah.