Yes, I was nervous, I suppose, yes I was apprehensive, I mean, after all, you’re told that the chances of surviving this operation are percentage-wise 90%, which is pretty good, but, as opposed to a lot of other operations which is 95%. So theres more of a chance of something going wrong with this operation.

I can’t say I was, thinking back on it, I can’t say that I was actually nervous. I mean, you’d be stupid if you said you weren’t apprehensive about someone sort of basically cutting holes in you and fiddling around with your insides but the attitude, I think, the manner of the surgeon and his staff was so compitent, professional, that I didn’t really have any worries about it at all. I mean, at the end of the day, if I didn’t have the operation then I faced death, quite frankly. So, what’s the point in being worried about it? You know. If the operation didn’t succeed I wasn’t any worse off. But I could be a hell of a lot better off. Which I am.

We were given the opportunity also, we were told that I would go into the Intensive Care Unit after the operation as a standard procedure anyway, so, you know, that sort of reassured my family and me, that something hadn’t gone wrong afterwards.

We were given the opportunity, if we wanted to, to go and see the ITU. In point of fact we didn’t because we were reasonably well aware of what went on in there and I suppose in a funny way of putting it, it didn’t seem to me that the ITU was a place for a sightseeing visit, really.

I was quite happy for the staff to do what they were doing and I’m afraid I’m a person who relies on the expertise of others, and these were obviously very expert people. So I just placed myself completely in their hands, really.

So when you were going for the operation, did they say you would be spending a few days in Intensive Care?

Yes. Before the operation they said you will of course go, after the operation, which was fairly late in the day. I was last on the list on a very busy surgeons’ list. They said you will go into recovery and then you will probably wake up in Intensive Care. And I think that’s what happened. All I remember is waking up in Intensive Care.

Had you been offered the chance to look at the Intensive Care Unit and, just having…?

No, I hadn’t. And I’m not sure that that would have helped me particularly because I might have found it a bit alarming actually because, as I say, there are all these machines, a very, very high population of machines and bells and lights and drips and drains and people in there of course, not at their best.

So one could only have visited pre-op and I might have found it a bit daunting. As it is, you wake up and you’re drugged and you’re not in top form after the op and I was on self-supply morphine.

Did you know that, when you would be in Intensive Care, that you wouldn’t be able to move very much because you’ve got…?

I didn’t take that on board, though God knows I’ve watched ER often enough [Laughs].

I didn’t really understand that. And again I’m not sure that it would help to be told all the things that might happen, and might go wrong in Intensive Care. I think probably the way it was done, they said, “you will go to Intensive Care.” The way it was done was probably the right way for me. I don’t think I would have been reassured to know that I was going to have a urine bag, a blood supply, a wound drain, oxygen. There were others, a main line into the artery. You’re fairly tethered and I don’t, I wouldn’t have liked to know that in advance because in advance of course I was as mobile as I am at the moment. When you’re in Intensive Care, all that doesn’t matter as much because you can’t do physical training there, you know.

At what stage did they show you the Intensive Care Unit?

The first, the Sunday night previous, and I had a good view right the way round and met some of the staff, one of the lady’s come up, the nurse, and said, “I’m the one that will be looking after you tomorrow.” Of course, I don’t know who looked after me when it did happen, that was weeks later.

And was it helpful to see the Intensive Care Unit before?

I think so, yes. It could have been me being nosy but yes I did want to see where I was going to go because I had the vision of me being, waking up if you like in Intensive Care with all these tubes, they told me, you know, don’t get worried about all the noises but it didn’t happen, so yes I can remember going up to the, seeing the Intensive Care Unit and I thought it seemed to be very well run. And the staff there, you know, you [to wife] spoke to all the [laughs] staff probably more than I did

Oh yeah I think I got enough information, I never got much information in respect to Intensive Care but would I have done if I hadn’t have volunteered to go up and see what was happening up there. I don’t know but they came down and asked me if I’d like to and of course the second operation they also came down. And I said well I’ve already seen it for the first operation, I feel as though I’m wasting your time. But I could have still gone up there if I’d wanted to. And probably if I hadn’t have accepted the invitation, I might have a got some questionnaire or something through saying this is what happens, but I’d rather see it you know, theres nothing to be frightened about.

And did you, at any point, have any questions that wanted to ask the doctors or the nurses?

In Intensive Care or in the general ward?

Before you went in to Intensive Care and generally?

I don’t think so because it was explained to me, you know, even pointed out one of the beds, you’d be in that one. And don’t be worried if you wake up because you’ll have tubes coming out here and in the back and well, other places where everybody you know all these tubes are going to come from. And that was all explained to me anyway and I, you know, was told that the majority of the tubes I wouldn’t even feel.

I was gradually deteriorating. That’s why I was referred for a heart transplant to the Scottish transplant unit in [city], and they said that I had too many problems and they would not attempt it. But my consultant at the [hospital] in [city] said that he would try [another city] for me. So he tried [city] and I went to [city]. I was there for four days for assessment and they said, “Were quite happy to go ahead and do the operation, but the decision has to be yours.” You have a meeting with surgeons, nurses, Intensive Care nurses, social workers, physios, you know, the whole team who operate around the transplant. And each of them tells you what their part of the thing is. And they explain fully everything that’s going to happen, and then you have the decision whether to go ahead or not.

And the doctors talked about the risks and the benefits, and then the choice was yours?

Yes, although it was really Hobson’s choice because it was, “Either have the transplant or die very shortly.” I would have been dead, I would have been dead for around eleven years now.

So you then went for the operation?

Yes.

And when you came to you were in Intensive Care?

Yes.

So you knew you would have a ventilator?

Yes.

But was it still quite a shock I suppose to have the tube?

Yes. I hadn’t realised it would be so big. It’s really quite a thick tube.

And you come to and the big thing that I did not like about that was waking up with this great tube down my throat, you know. It was really most uncomfortable. My first instinct was to sort of panic a bit, you know, because you feel, you know, “How can I breathe with this thing?” you know. And of course the thing is there actually to help you to breathe. You have to sort of exercise a bit of self-discipline and try to discipline yourself to actually work along with the thing and breathe, but it’s most uncomfortable.

So it was a triple heart bypass.

So you knew you were going to be in Intensive Care and what you thought was indigestion turned out to be quite serious?

Yes, yes. Heart disease. I had three blockages in the artery, part of the arteries that feed the heart itself, so I was quite lucky really.

And what did the doctor explain to you would happen?

He explained everything, he explained it very thoroughly. I was then referred to a cardiac nurse from [place name] who came to see me twice. She explained everything properly. I then went in to [city] itself and the hospital and everything was explained to me apart from one thing, and I was really worried about it and I wouldn’t ask, and it was the catheter.

And I was so worried that I’m thinking, I’m not going to have the operation because I thought it was an invasion you know. And so the night before the op I asked a patient who’d had the operation, “What was it like when you had the catheter?” and he said, “Well you won’t know, you’re asleep by then”, and that was [makes phew sound] so I should imagine theres loads of men worry about that, not prepared to ask because it’s a private question and I should have asked first thing really. So that’s my advice to anybody, if you’re worried about the catheter, you’re under the anaesthetic when it happens, so you don’t know a thing. And that was basically my main worry because I knew if I didn’t have the operation, the future, well there was no future.

Did you get to see it before you went into hospital at all, the ward itself, where you’d be going?

No, I saw it on video. That was the preparation. I should imagine it’s the travelling again, if it’s in [local town] they could prepare you better for this is where you’ll be. But you know you just can’t afford the whole day to go to [city].

You feel you’re lonely, even though you’re surrounded by people and friends, sometimes I felt I couldn’t talk about my innermost feelings to my wife because it was so personal really and I didn’t want to burden her either. There was one good friend who I could talk about and things, no two actually, two, who I phoned the night before the op and if anything happens, please look after my wife and children, you know. Because that’s where I was really before going to the hospital.

And one of them said, oh don’t, you’ll be fine, but you can’t guarantee that so…It was like, I hadn’t made a will or anything but it was like making a will, please look after my children, you know, and my wife. Just if you are in that lonely place, speak to somebody. Well I got through it and it’s changed my life around.

There is one element of this operation that, well you’ve got nothing to worry about. It’s happened so often now. Don’t worry, you’ll come through it. You know, at the time, I felt like hitting people who said that to me because it wasn’t them that was going there. It was me. And from a psychological point of view as well, I don’t know if anybody else has told you this as well, my wife and I had a discussion about it at the beginning of the week actually when she knew you were coming, it’s only, even though she was very supportive and very strong and you know got through it together, it was only me who went through the op.

But she knew she was going home. She knew she would most likely see her children growing up. I didn’t know at the time. So psychologically now, I feel I’ve become a little bit more selfish. It’s hard to explain but I’m here now and I want to make the most of it, you know?

I was in hospital because I have problems with my kidney. And it was agreed with the consultant that he would remove my kidney. And because of my impairment [spina bifida since birth], it meant that he would have to remove the kidney from a different position and would have to collapse a lung. And so he would be going to have to arrange for me to go into Intensive Care after the surgery. So I knew that was going to happen, so that was one good thing.

How long ago was this?

About 1998. And the worst thing was actually waiting for a bed to become available because you get yourself geared up to have surgery, and then it had to be cancelled because there were actually no Intensive Care beds in London. And in fact, on the day that I had the surgery, I took the last Intensive Care bed, in north London. And so that’s quite traumatic to know that on the very day, you might, you know, it might all go horribly wrong and you might not have the surgery.

I had a bed, I was prepared, I got the injections, I was the first on the list, eight oclock. And the surgeon came down and said, “[Participant’s name], we might have to cancel the operation, weve got”. I think hed either got two emergencies and by nine oclock, I think it was about nine oclock, I knew I wasn’t going up that day and that’s when the ward sister came round and said, “What do you want to eat?” I knew now I wasn’t going for an operation. She said, “I do apologise”. I said, “It’s not your fault.” I said, “My giving up my place may save somebody elses life.” Which I would have looked on the other way, if it had been me, I would have hoped someone had thought, felt the same way. But his had burst, the same operation but that was it, so I had to phone up my wife and she had to come and pick me up and bring me home.

I was apprehensive because I know you build up for an operation and then told you’re not going to get the operation and I thought well it might be another two weeks before it happens, of course it wasn’t two weeks, it was nearly six before I actually went in for the op and I, and of course that’s just as bad as, you know, am I going through this again. And I can honestly assure you, my wife will agree, I was the second one, I don’t know about the first so much, but I couldn’t, I was like this [shaking] all the time, I was getting terrified. It was probably the build up, I’d thought well if this happens again I shall feel like saying forget it.