But I realised as I sort of went into it. I had no idea what it entailed at all. And I think, I think it is this thing that is kind of thrown around and people always just assume that there is an option and first of all they assume without any real understanding of how often it doesn’t work, you know for one thing and just the physical and emotional toll it takes on you. You can’t, well I mean I can describe it to you a bit, but I don’t think anybody has, you know, I think generally the way it is portrayed, you know, the way that people sort of view it, nobody has any clue what it is actually like, you know, what it does to you to go through it. I actually think it is quite dangerous. I think it is a dangerous assumption that we all have about it. And again I am not sure that that applies to me specifically because first of all, I never thought I would be going through it, and by the time I was going through it, it was because there wasn’t really much choice. Well there was a choice but there wasn’t a lot of choice if we wanted to do what we wanted to do. But I think ] I there is a danger of it becoming a kind of part of people’s life plan, you know, if I wait to have kids oh and it doesn’t work, oh just have IVF. And it is like, it is not like that, and it isn’t easy and it doesn’t necessarily work and you don’t have any idea what it is going to do to you, you know, or anything. So yes, and I think, not that it would, like I say, it wouldn’t have changed what I did but it also might have been nice to have a bit of an idea of how horrible it could be before I actually went into it, instead of suddenly being in the middle of it, realising how horrible it was.

Just really, just don’t think that you’ve been silly asking any questions. Ask, ask as much and as many things as you can, because I think you don’t find out anything if you don’t ask. don’t just go along with it. Make sure you ask, make sure you do all the questions. Because if you were ill normally, under normal circumstances and you walked into a hospital, you wouldn’t just accept somebody brushing you off. You would ask all the questions, you would make sure you had all the facts and know what everything was for, and I would say to people make sure you do. Because you’ll find it much easier to deal with.

Brilliant.

You know, make sure, no question, I don’t think is too stupid or too small because I used to think I can’t ask that, that’s silly, but it’s not, because even though it is silly, it’s important to you, and having the answer, or even just getting it off your chest. I think makes a difference.

Well I suppose just to, it is easier said than done, but, you know, try to remember that there is a life out there and try to remember, yes, it will be fantastic if it works but you know, a life without children isn’t, is by no means meaningless and that you are very likely to find other things that are really important to you.

And you know, to make sure, you know, that you don’t lose what you have currently got in an attempt to get the final piece of the jigsaw, you know, I think it put marriages under tremendous strain and some people will split up because of it. But what seems to me is a tragedy is if it splits up, if you split up because of it, when actually if you hadn’t let it become such an issue you would have had the chance to enjoy each other. Live you know quite happily in a very good fulfilled way.

Find out what you can about the condition. don’t ever, say, Oh I know it’ll work for you Because my doctor didn’t know that it would work for me. Nobody knows that it would work for me. How can somebody else know that it’ll work. it’s something people to say to make themselves feel better and it actually makes the person they are talking to feel worse.

Yes, find out about the condition, try to understand the devastation it can cause.

And also this is a really hard one but I suppose try to understand that actually you can’t really win. There are times when your friend will want to talk about and there are times when your friend will not want to talk about it. I think the best thing anyone ever did, ever said to us, was after our second, was it our second cycle, I think it was, I had a voice mail message from a friend of mine who said, I just don’t know what to say. But if you want to talk about it I’m here And just acknowledging that you are not an expert on what they are going through, you don’t understand, so don’t say you do understand. Just be there for them, if they need it. If all else fails you know, a hug and a glass of wine normally works quite well.