Did you ever talk to your parents about that when you, at that time - how you felt?
No, I don’t think so, I did at all. I just told them I felt exhausted and, ah, I think I - I think I might have just said I really feel like I need to get away and [sighs] but I don't know how - I can't even remember how I explained that need.
So didn’t, didn't feel comfortable enough telling them how you felt exactly?
No, I didn't feel I could do - I never - and I've never - like I never told them that I was, depressed or on medication or anything. I think, um, my father, also was very, very ill when I was young. He had very, very bad asthma. And, when we were little, we always heard, don’t expect daddy to live beyond the age of 40. The doctor's told us that daddy won't live beyond the age of 40. I had no idea how old he was, so I just thought oh well [laughs].
But, at the same time, you always had to not upset daddy. You always had to be good and quiet to not upset daddy. And, there was a point to me saying this. What was it? I know it was important. What was the question you just asked? Oh, did I ever talk to them? Yeah.
So, I think I really have this feeling still that I have to protect my parents. And now I really do. I mean they're terribly old and frail now.
I really, really do have to protect them [laughs]. But I wouldn't, wouldn’t - I didn't really want to tell them stuff. I did tell them when my husband was planning to leave, because - but I just knew then, as a parent myself, that however horrible what your child is going through, you want to know about it. But the other stuff - it was stuff in my mind, and so I didn't have a right to feel that was horrible enough to [laughs] get help or...
And so when you, you talked about – now, looking back - that you think that you were having postnatal depression, were you able to talk to your husband about your feelings? Was he supportive? In ah, was he recognising that you were having a tough time?
I don’t think so. I think he's like really grown into that role. I, I think he, now, is very - generally, very understanding when I have, a low time. And I just tell him I'm feeling low, and he puts up with an awful lot of miserability [laughs]. And he, he, he generally can handle it and is very supportive.
But I - I don’t think then - you know, like he could handle it for a few minutes at a time, but then it was too much; because, of course, he would not really understand, and wonder why, and wonder if it was because of him or whatever. And it took me a long time to figure out the pattern too and figure out, that I was feeling low.
Sometimes you're just so busy feeling low, you don’t have that little chance to step back and recognise it's happening, cause you're so busy thinking that the world is in an end and everything's a complete waste of time. And you don’t just have that little way of standing back and saying oh, I'm feeling like the world's at an end and everything's a complete waste of time. I'm too busy thinking it. But no, I didn't find him terribly supportive at those times.
There's a very few colleagues and friends I've told – (friend’s name), and one other friend. I got really upset one day and I felt I needed to explain to her why. Friends - this - there's a friend I mentioned to you. I somehow or other we both let each other know that, we were on medication for depression. I've got two cousins and I can really clearly remember, we went - my cousin, who lives here, in (city name) - we went to visit th