And what about the school where you were. Did you’?

I never went back. I went up to start at, to start back school, then I’ve seen my guidance teacher and I says, ‘I can’t go in. No want to go in. So I started crying and this, she says, ‘Well do you want some of your friends from your class. Can your best friends to come up and see you and that?’ I went, ‘No I just want to go home. So then we went back outside and they were in the car park coming home from lunch aye? So then I did see them before I went home. But I still keep in touch with them as well.

And you didn’t want to go back to school?

No, I didn’t want to go back.

Why?

Scared.

Scared of what?

Embarrassed and,

Embarrassed of what?

Dunno [laughs] people looking and

People looking at you?

And talking and everything.

So you were concerned of why, of how they would receive you?

Yeah.

Did the school or the head teacher or whoever talked to the kids?

Yes, ‘cos they had to say that, like if you’ve got a cold or that you can’t come in ‘cos I might catch it so they had to tell everybody in school. And that’s what made me most scared, ‘cos everybody knew.

And you felt embarrassed?

Yeah.

Embarrassed because everybody knew that you had leukaemia?

Yeah.

At that time you had lost your hair?

Yeah, had a hat on.

Was that something to do with you not wanting to go back to school?

Probably, think it was.

Ok, and so you stopped going to school altogether?

Yeah, then I was, exams were, well they gave me grades on my exams ‘cos they’re third year work. And then I never went back to school.

I was off school for the whole of year 10 basically, but I went back for the last couple of weeks, maybe months.

And I found it like quite weird going back the first day like because you hadn’t been there and everyone was like you didn’t know if they were gonna be like friendly or if, what’s happened if they’ve changed, if they know what’s happened. But everyone was really okay. And all my friends were like interested what’s happened. You had to explain, everything went on as normal.

Okay, so they were asking questions?

Yeah, asking questions to see what happened.

And at that time you had lost your hair or?

I no I was, during radiotherapy I didn’t go back, I stayed at home during that, I didn’t go back until it was grown back a bit because I didn’t really want to go back without my hair. And I was a bit, I was scared really because I didn’t want them saying ‘why have you lost your hair?’ and maybe people taking the mick. I was worried.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you waited?

Yeah for a while until I had like a Grade 1 or a Grade 2, because they said I would be okay if I had that because I was a special case.

Okay so that was your main reason for not going?

Going back as soon as I could.

School-wise, once I’d found out what was going on, I told my teachers, and my exams were going to run into my ‘a levels, so they arranged for me to take my ‘a levels at home, because the thing with lymphoma treatment is that it affects your white blood cell count and, therefore, the chemotherapy attacks your white blood cells, and you lose your immunity system. So for me to go into school, even when I was feeling well, was going to be a bit difficult. I could have caught something quite easily, like a cold, or flu, and if you get anything like that when your immune system’s down, you have to start taking a lot of antibiotics, and they don’t want, that’s not something that they want to expose you to, because, obviously, you’re fighting off enough as it is. So, in terms of the three weeks that you have off, after you have the chemotherapy, the first week… it, for me, was spent in bed. The second week, my immunity system was so low that I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t, certainly couldn’t be in school. But for the last week, I would be okay, so the teachers organised that they would give me work to do at home, in that second week when I was feeling okay, but just couldn’t go into school. And then for the third week, I’d be in school. But then I could take my exams at home, so that I wasn’t in a big exam hall. So that, that worked out quite well. And they contacted the universities and said, you know, ‘Shes still going to be doing her exams, but the Exam Boards have said it’s okay if she just does 50 per cent of each exam’, so I had four English Literature exams, I only did two. ‘And then they’ll double the marks, so she will come out with these grades. But if she doesn’t get the grades, if shes predicted, this is why. And my first and second choice then wrote back with their responses. So that worked out quite well, in terms of school.

He, he took out the, the lump that I found in my neck and it was positive and I had my exams so I kind of went to all my exams whilst having some scans and stuff. I, I do remember coming in late for an exam because I, my scan had overrun and they let me kind of sit in the corner and carry on later than every, anyone else. So my school were really good with that. They were very understanding, they let me come and go as I pleased, they gave me privileges to sign in and out so if I was tired from radiotherapy or anything, they just kind of let me, I could do that, so that kind of responsibility was really, it was really thoughtful because I couldn’t have necessarily stayed all day but. So yeah, I kind of did my exams.

Art was helpful, it was just, it was just something to take my mind off it but schoolwork was like that too with my exams. I, I kind of got through those couple of months because, you know, I thought I’d come so far even missing the best part of term, term in the summer between surgery and radiotherapy, I was still, you know, I was still working and it was so close literally two weeks before my exam, I was like, I’m not going to throw it all away for just this. I let my school know, who again were always really, really like thoughtful and kind and asked if there was anything I could do, they could do even. They offered me things like extra time in exams, which I chose not to take because I thought I wasn’t really in a different position to anyone else you know. Then my exam boards were made aware of the situation so if I had to miss an exam which thankfully I didn’t, they’d, they’d know and maybe take my, my predicted grade or take it into account that I missed the exam because I was somewhere else, but thankfully that didn’t happen so.

I kind of, I did my exams and then they turned out really well. My school was really proud, they, they always publish in the newspaper about the exams and they, they wrote a little paragraph about me saying that because I got five A stars and four As at the end of it, so they, they wrote this little thing in the paper saying you know, even with battling cancer she managed to get good marks. So I was, I was chuffed when that came in the paper I was quite proud. I was like, you know ‘cos I, I did feel that I worked hard, it did keep me going ‘cos I thought, you know, at the time I thought GCSEs were the be all and end all you know [laughs].

Yeah, as an inpatient I was treated on a specialist Teenage Cancer Trust ward, which so I was treated with other young people my own age, which was incredibly helpful just to know theres others out there, so that made that experience as bearable as possible. And then when I was treated as an outpatient I was kind of in-out, so it was kind of relatively in hospital for two hours, it was a bit manic in the kind of day case centre they had but because it was only outpatient I was back home that night I couldn’t really complain.

So in the Teenage Cancer Trust ward I got to spend time with other young people, and there was stuff teenagers use, there was PS3’s [Play Station 3’s], there was musical instruments, which kept me busy through chemotherapy because of course chemotherapy is not the nicest stuff.

No throughout all, all of my chemotherapy treatments I went back to school as much as I could and kept up with studies, and that was

Oh you did, good.

my way of coping.

Fantastic. How did people react at school?

I was quite surprised and probably a lot of teachers or for example a lot of people wanted to try and wrap me up in cotton wool and say I was doing too much, but no I enjoyed trying to do something it paid off and in my GCSE year for example, this was when I was first diagnosed so when I had surgery and the six months of chemo, then at the end of it I got five A* and 4 A’s and 2 distinctions.

A very, very strange experience because. I mean I certainly wasn’t a. But I wasn’t a troublemaker in school but I was, I could literally do no wrong when I came back [laugh].

And I was just let, allowed to basically do. I, I obviously did the work and everything but it was very much no pressure which to be honest in some ways I kind of think has affected me in a negative way now because at that kind of age when you’re sort of getting to thirteen or fourteen children start to learn about careers and you know selling themselves and going out and achieving what they want to achieve. And obviously I missed a large portion just through not being in school but that, none of that really applied to me. That, that’s the impression I, I got from other people. And more impression that I kind of imposed on myself was that I kept on hearing that I’d done so well in the fact that I was still here and that was all fine and it was great. And it was not until I finished university about two and a half years ago. And I went out and I got, I got a regular type of job that all students get now when they get, just to get by. And I kind of feel now as if I’ve missed out on that kind of. I haven’t got that attitude that lots of other people have that I need to go out and be the best I can be and sell myself. Because part of me kind of feels like I will never achieve anything as, as, unbelievably amazing as actually still being here because of the fact, I was made to, I was, learnt in hindsight and from what lots of other people have told me that they, that they, what they learnt when I was having the treatment or when I was ill is that I basically wasn’t going to survive. And it was very much, and when I came back it was, there was never anyone really pushing me to sort of in school. I’m not blaming anyone for it. It was inevitable that I would do the same thing but I kind of feel a slightly less, less well equipped when I, immediately after I graduated and going into university. I didn’t feel as if I was on mentally and emotionally on a level playing field in terms of getting out there and getting, you know just pushing myself because it was always quite free and easy in school in the key times when I was, you know, doing my exams. I got good enough grades but it was never. I never felt any, any pressure at all because everyone was so happy that I was there and just this whole doing it, you know. And just they were so proud of me for be still doing that but it was, it was good in that sense but you know your life is extremely different, different from being in school as it is. But it’s even, was even more different for me because you know there was no pressure at all. And I went on. I got, got good enough grades and I did, yeah I did quite well.

But looking back on it I mean I hope that obviously bullying is such a thing in schools now that, you know, if you are different and you, you know, have got something wrong with you or you had, then it’s, it’s very difficult ‘cos your parent, Mum, my Mum had to teach there and she had to put up with the Headmaster and all the rest of it, and his comment was, ‘Theres never any bullying in my school. And I, you know, I used to come home in tears, didn’t want to go to school, lost a severe amount of weight, very depressed and I think that sort of cultured dawns for the rest of my life where I lost of my self confidence, I wouldn’t, wouldn’t go out, wouldn’t, wouldn’t do anything was literally hip-to-hip to my Mum and that sort of put her down as well so I mean, although, you know, it is the, the Big C it’s, it’s very much on family life as well and luckily with my family they’ve been very supportive. Unfortunately I lost my Father at the age of eleven, he also died of Cancer so my Mum met her partner called [name] and hes very supportive. I don’t tell, we don’t let on much to him because obviously he doesn’t need to know kind of thing it’s sort of very kept in, kept between me and my Mum and my sister.

How old were you when you when you started to be bullied and changed schools?

I changed schools at the age of I think it was fifteen.

Okay and for how long did the bullying occur or went on at that school?

It was about a year I came I was very, very lucky to w, well not win, to have an opportunity to go with, with a charity to Florida my Mum nominated me with some other friends to go to Florida and that’s when the-the extent of the bullying started ‘cos it was flashed all over the papers that I was, you know, I was the, the lucky, there was three of us going, all from the same year, year group as me, and we were they decided that, you know, to get some publicity in and, and it’s when the publicity went in that the bullying really started to take effect.

Yeah, I was fairly sort of when I, when I got into Secondary School the only unfortunately thing was that my Mum taught there, my Auntie taught there all my cousins, relatives were there, so it was quite difficult that to the case of bullying was quite a-a hard thing, ‘cos I-I got bullied quite severely. To the, to the extent that my Mum decided to pull me out of school and I was put into a special school and I didn’t really want to see myself as special as such, I mean I was an unique, unique person, just wanted to get on with education, just wanted to get good grades, wanted go to college, wanted to go to university, and unfortunately I didn’t get my GCSE results because I was only, I was literally taken out of mainstream education at in Year Nine and then shoved in to another school which put me up a year, they put me up a year because they didn’t think I was I shouldn’t have be, I should have gone into Year Ten rather than Year Nine, so I literally missed like sort of a year’s work, so I couldn’t do my GSCEs which I was really upset about ‘cos I really wanted to do those. So they did something for me called Welsh Board, I did fairly well, I mean very well compared to everybody else and then, I think I got six merits, four distinctions and one pass, which then put me on the next stage to do my GCSEs at college. But yet again because I had no qualifications as such, I went into college with just these Welsh Board qualifications and then and I saw a person at college and they said, ‘Oh no you’ll have to do a course. And I, I really wanted to do my GCSEs and the only GCSEs that I did was my Maths and my English. And unfortunately I didn’t do so well in my Maths but my English I got a C in with a lot of help from my Mum and from people in college.

I really wanted to do my GCSEs and I wanted, as I say, I wanted to go to college, I wanted to go to University but unfortunately because I couldn’t do what I wanted to do at college ‘cos I didn’t have the GCSE grades I didn’t go to University, which I mean I, I look now, I, I don’t regret not going to University but I would have I would have liked just to.

You can still go?

Yes [laughs], I look at my, I look at my other friends they’ve all got their BAs and [laughs] 2’1s [laughs], but as I say yeah, there I think there might be still time, or there should be still time for me to go so it’s just picking the best park, ‘cos at the minute I’m enjoying my life as such, it’s, it’s finally got back on track and I am enjoying it so [laughs], yeah.

What happened to your school life?

It went down the drain. Because I was going through Year 8 and I was, I was doing well and, and then I was off for the whole of the Intensive year. So I lost all of Year 8 or most of Year 8 and the beginning of Year 9. And then when I was well enough I started to go back into school and I had home tutors when I wasn’t well enough during the intensive treatment. But the schools don’t really know how to react to it. And are very, very unhelpful in my experience. They, they didn’t send home much work. My home tutors actually had to chase it. Then when I got back into school I was supposed to have catch-up lessons. So I was supposed to have someone come in with some work and help me do the work. Whereas basically they set up a drop off session so basically someone came in, gave me the work and said ‘Right do it’ which isn’t very helpful because I didn’t know how to do the work and what it was. So I was. That didn’t help at all. So my Mum had to go into school and you know, kind of say [huh], ‘What are you doing?’ And they had a huge, a big meeting about it. And now after a, after a year or so it’s been sorted out so that I have a guaranteed place in the sixth form. And that they will try, they’ve, they’ve. I only do four subjects now instead of doing all of them. My, my main areas. And I have loads of free periods so in those free periods I catch up on lessons that I’ve missed due to illness and stuff in the areas that I’ve chosen. So it’s starting to pick up now but it’s taken a very long time to, to get to reasonable level.

How long would you say?

About two, two and three quarter years. So nearly the whole of my treatment say.

You were attending a school, during your sort of low intensity?

Yeah during maintenance. I was there as much as I could be but sometimes you are too tired or you have an infection or you have an illness so it hits you back so you can’t be in but I was there as much as I could. In Year 9 I had, I was there half of the time and half not. Then in Year 10 I had a really bad patch so I wasn’t there much at all, less than half. And now in Year 11 I’ve had yet another batch of bad luck so I haven’t been there much at all. But you can’t help it when you have an illness you’re ill.

So you left hospital in early September and you are already back at work?

Yeah, I started back 1st October which was three weeks. I was supposed to wait for six, but ‘cos I’d, did what she said, do quite a bit of the housework, if you feel tired after doing that then don’t return to work till your body can keep up with itself. And my body was recovering quite well after I’d done a 12 hour shift I still had enough energy to dance my way [laughs].

You are doing a 12-hour shift?

Yeah.

Ok, what do you do?

I’m a, well they put us a line operative but more of a machine minder all the time. But at the moment I’m only on light duties till I’m 100 per cent with my bones or what have you.

And how do you feel then, do you feel ok?

Yeah I feel fine, its, the other people at work feel more knackered than me [laughs].

Yeah, that is amazing. Do you think it’s something to do with your sort of frame of mind because you seem to be kind of positive and?

Yeah I have to say it’s just being positive and always looking at theres always light at the end of the tunnel and you, you know, just laugh, as I say, laughter’s the best medicine.

And in term of your dance, will it have a sort of kind of long-term effect or the effect is momentary?

I think it will have a long term effect simply because I know a few months ago when I started looking for work, I’d been on the internet because a lot of the jobs come up, I can keep an eye on who wants, employers. And it’s untrue the amount of employers that stipulates ‘no bodily scars, no illnesses’ and, and it’s, it’s, you know, it’s hard. I would like to go sort of and travel and work within dance abroad, theres cruise ships for example, but I’m not able to get insurance. And it’s thing like that, that pull you back all the time, you’re constantly reminded that you’re different and that’s, that’s really the hardest bit.

I mean I am trying, I’m going, trying to use it as a positive affect as well, I would eventually like to do a masters degree in dance therapy and I would like to work within oncology which perhaps before I’d never have thought about, so that would be nice. But as far as dancing is concerned, I’m, dancers lives are short anyway, but it’s an added affect, the fact that I’ve got this body scar as well. And obviously it’s hard to get work when you’re constantly at the hospital, they won’t take you on, I can’t go away for too long, I can’t go away for long periods of time because I’m needed back here.

Yeah I was looking at being an architect. Ideally that would have been my first choice. So doing maths, physics, those kind of A levels. And then you do look at your friends, the same kind of age, now, just finishing Uni, with a degree, and you think, “Ah, I wish”, and it’s as much for the social side of been at Uni as well as for the degree. That’s why I wanted to go, the social scene is great. You think yeah, I’ve missed out on it, but you can’t dwell on it too much, because you know I think it would just get you down. So I try to make the best of what I can now. I’ve got straight into the building apprenticeship. Thought, right, get into it that way. Did that, probably not what I want to do really. Plenty of money in it, but it’s not much fun. I tried to get in the Navy. That’s probably something I should say – It was really early on, when I was having one of the operations the consultant was like, “Yeah, after your chemo you’ll be fine. It won’t affect you and you’ll be really fit and everything. You can be as fit as you want to be, join the SAS or whatever”, and that’s something I remember. And I tried to join the Navy, and got as fit as I could, and you know, go back, learning your maths and everything for the exams, because the position I wanted to go on extra tests and quite, relatively, high up. Did all the tests and everything, and there was a doctor there, because, I obviously knew that it was going to be quite hard. If you’re going to die soon they don’t want you in there, but he was really helpful. I think hed kind of helped to start the hospital, the local hospital there, the children’s ward going, so he knew everything about it, so he was great. He as quite optimistic that I’d get in. So I did all my tests and got all my fitness training and passed the standard medical, but then my case went up to London and everything, and they decided against it. And that was gutting. I was so upset about that, because the work you put in, but you know’

And what was the reason that they give you?

Oh they said, no, were not going to have, we can’t have, we can’t have you. Theres too much chance of recurrence, and if they’re putting millions into your training then it’s fair enough, I suppose. But you know, it was really harsh. When you put that much into it, and it’s something you really want to do, and you know you’re good enough, other than that, other than just because of what you’ve had in the past, and then that’s all they see, So it’s kind of hard, but you know, I got given advice on it, because it’s so specific to the job I suppose. Something I have noticed on CVs, you do get asked about your health, and you do have to put it down that you’ve had that, and it does affect it I think. So’

So do you think that young people like you could be discriminated against when they apply for specific jobs because of the cancer experience?

As much as people will tell you otherwise, I think it’s – I think so. I really do [laughs].

Theres a need for awareness about it?

Yeah. I think each case is so specific, with this type of illness. Every case has its own, you know, positives, in a way. Whether it’s likely or less likely to come back or not.

But I think if you get a particularly aggressive one, and they know that, or even if the word is mentioned, then I think something does trigger in their minds when you go for an interview, or put it on your CV, although they wouldn’t say it. They’ve got to be thinking about it, I think. So especially if it is this kind of recent, only a couple of years ago. They don’t know how it’s going, so, but. It’s just one of those things, I think [laughs].

Work were fantastic about it, I’d only been made permanent a month before and I had to go off which they’re only supposed to pay, they’re not even supposed to pay sick pay when you’re doing your probational period anyway which is 3 months but they did give it me anyway. I think it would’ve been a little bit harsh to be fair if they hadn’t paid me for what you know I was off for.

Were you worried about work?

Yeah I was worried that I was going to lose my job. I know it’s silly. I look back now and the people I work with, my boss was superb, my boss above him was superb. They were fantastic, I’d keep in touch just to let them know what was happening. Each step you know I’ve been through with you today I would let them know what was happening so they were up to date.