I think it, oh gosh. Well I think if it wasn’t you know, if I hadn’t got my daughter, and then maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation today, because you do feel pretty bad, but some people say “In time,” you know, “In time you learn to, you know to deal with it.” Yes, you probably will learn to maybe cope a little bit better, but you’re never going to forget.
No of course not.
So I just think it’s changed my life losing him, big time.
How has it affected sort of the family dynamics?
Oh, well, I used to be a very keen golfer, probably obsessive, I would think, and now, all that sort of motivation I did have has gone. There is no motivation anymore, and I can pick up something or leave it. Well we don’t really go out very much anymore.
Did you say golf?
Yes, I played golf, but I take it or leave it, and day to day things really aren’t that important anymore. You know it’s there’s far bigger things out there to, what, once you maybe thought, you know, was really important, isn’t important anymore. Things are just not important anymore.
Are some things very important then? I mean have you changed your priorities about what’s important?
I don’t think much is important anymore. I don’t think much is important, it’s just things.
So it’s really changed your view of life.
Yeah big time. Yeah. Yeah. It really has.
How do you view the future?
Well just, obviously you know you’ve got to keep positive, I’ve got a daughter so, what you know you’ve got to keep positive and hopefully, you know, she’ll get married and have children, and grandchildren will come along, that’ll be great. But its, I don’t know, it’s probably, you know it’s probably changed slightly, you know, if you have, if anyone’s ever a bit scared of dying or something like that, and I don’t know I’m not scared of going, it wouldn’t, it doesn’t really worry me about dying or stuff like that, but it’s all a bit strange now.
So has it, has all this changed your view of death?
Yes. Yes. Everything. Yeah, it’s all changed.
Do you want to elaborate on that a little bit?
Just, well, just the feeling you know if God forbid someone said to me, you, you know, you’ve got 24 hours to live.
That’s great, you know, yes, I can’t see Dave, you know what I mean? It’s but I know it’s all too, it’s all still raw, it’s very, it’s its still very new, so these thoughts are quite normal I think.
You know, how, it’s just not very easy to, to get on with your life and move on as people would say. You know, you need to move on sort of thing, not as though anyone’s ever said that to me, as yet, but I know that some people might, would think well it’s you know, it’s been two years, about time you got over it, move on. But you, it’s not, you can’t move on, it’s very, very difficult.
How long were you off work for?
I was off work probably only about 6 or 7 weeks, but still to this day I don’t go downstairs or in the front door, where I was told [about his death], I’m, I haven’t been down there since.