I dot think ll ever feel comfortable with the decision. I know I did it, and I know I did it for my baby and not for me, and thas all that I need to know. It was very hard because being a Catholic obviously they would class it as a termination and that would be wrong in the eyes of the Church.

I never felt, I always feel as if shs with God anyway. I dot feel as if hs turned my back, it’s the Church. So that was a struggle for me, like personally, inside. And I felt, I feel guilty and I dot think that will ever go, but you just learn to live with it.

And when I went for the 6 week check-up at the doctos, they offered me counselling, which I think I would recommend to everybody to have counselling, and I had a very good counsellor. And she made me see that, to try and turn the guilt into regret. You know, you regret that it’s happened, so you dot feel so guilty.

And she helped me an awful lot in those early days, an awful lot. I would definitely recommend a counsellor because there are things you can talk to your husband or your parents about, but there are certain things that you cat.

And how did it affect your feelings this time around as far as screening was concerned? What impact did it have on your choices?

It was strange actually because I had said – well, I fell pregnant very quickly and it wast actually planned – but I had said that I would have everything done, that I would have the nuchal scan – obviously d have that anyway – and I would have a CVS or amniocentesis. I would have that done, because I would need to know a hundred per cent. d also had genetic counselling at a hospital and they had said that it wast myself or my husband, that it was the baby that had the extra chromosome, so I knew that as well, so that was an extra bit of information.

And I was offered that as well, the genetic counselling, so we took that up, we did that. But I went for the scan, the nuchal scan, which was obviously, absolutely terrified. And I remember you do look at people and there all excited and that, and you just, you think,Oh, i, you know, you dot feel the same. You dot, I was absolutely petrified, absolutely petrified. And I asked for my husband to come in this time and they said,Ye so he came in as well.

And they, first of all she said that she wouldt be able to do the nuchal scan because the baby was too small, and I worked myself into a state and cried and she said,No, okay, ll try i. She obviously saw that I was very distressed, so she tried and she got the measurement, and we went outside. She said,ll work it out for you, but it looks good, it looks oka.

So we went outside and she told me that the measurement was 1 point something centimetres, and that the risk was extremely low, even taking into account that it’s happened before and my age. And at that point I remember thinking,I dot want anything else. I dot want the CVS. I dot need i.

So d completely changed my mind, which was strange, but I was offered it, I had a consultans appointment straight after the scan and he went through everything if I wanted to that I could have done. I could have the CVS done, I could wait till 16 weeks and have the amniocentesis. They went through everything with me.

I think we sort of just got on with the weekend, and I think we just didt want to, we didt want to talk about anything until we knew, until we knew for certain. I think we thought if we talked about it then we were saying,Yes, thers something wron. I know my husband was very upset.

I know that I, you know, but he tried not to show it in front of me, which was, you know, which was, it was very hard for him as well. But I dot remember really going through what we were going to do or anything. I think we were just waiting to see. I know I didt go to work, I wast at work obviously, and I know some people that have gone to work and I thought,How can they But people, obviously people deal with it different ways. But I couldt have gone to work, I know that, not waiting for that result.

You mentioned a bit earlier about being offered a visit to a mother who’d already gone ahead. You didn’t take that option?

No.

Do you feel happy with that now or do you wish you’d gone to see her?

No, I don’t because I feel that – I don’t know if she knew beforehand. They didn’t say to me that shed known beforehand the baby had Down’s syndrome and shed decided to keep the baby, or whether the baby was born with it. But I just felt that if I went that obviously she would say, ‘Oh, it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

She would just, because she would, you would. If I had had my baby I would say the same, because the baby’s there and you’d love that baby no matter what. So I just felt as if she would say good things about it, to be honest.

I think that we just said,Wll wait and see what the consultant says tomorro. Because at this stage I still thought that They’re be able to tell me how bad it would be. I still thought there were other – not other options – but there were other things that we could consider.

I didt think it was as black, you know, it was,Yes or no, you keep the baby or you do. I didt, I really didt think that. I thought there was other things that wd be able to do at that stage. So we just decided to wait until wd seen the consultant next day.

Right. And how did that meeting go with the consultant?

The consultant was not sympathetic at all. I remember crying, and he just sat there and waited till d finished crying. And it was actually his nurse that went and got me a tissue, and he just, he was just sitting there reading my notes until d finished.

And I remember he said to me,Well, yore young, you can have more childre. Thas what he said to me. And I just, to this day I cat believe that he said that to me.

So did you feel that he was just making the assumption that you were going to have a termination?

Yes.

Did he actually sort of say that in so many words or what, how did he?

Well, he said to me,Well, what are you going to do And I said,Well, I dot know, we havet spoken about it yet. We dot know what wre going to d. And he said,Wel, thas when he said,Well, yore young and you can have more childre. As if to say, you know,Get on with your life and, and have anothe. But he, I just, he was not sympathetic at all or empathetic at all.

What would you have liked at that point?

I think just someone to comfort me. I mean my husband was there, but someone to sort of understand. Because it was only the night before d been given the news, and it was very, it was very soon, and I would have just liked him to show that he was concerned and that he acknowledged that I was upset, not just to read his notes and not take any notice of me.

To be honest m a very black and white person and I had always said if anything was wrong, I wouldt go through with it. d always said that, because, probably because I thought nothing would be wrong. But when there was, it was a different story. But I had always said that I dot – you know, if there was something majorly wrong that I dot think I could continue with the pregnancy.

Do you still feel like that?

No. Me and my partner had said probably if this had been the second pregnancy we may have considered, more so, keeping, carrying on with the pregnancy and seeing how it progressed.

What has made you feel differently, do you think?

Going through the experience, I would say it’s not as black and white as people think. People just think that it’s a one choice or another, which it is, but thers a lot of – it’s not an easy decision. You cat just say,Yes m going to keep the bab or,No m no. it’s a heartbreaking decision, and it’s not – I think people do think it’s an easy decision to make, or they dot, they dot think it’s as hard as it is. And I didt either, to be honest, before it happened to me.

Do you feel looking back that you would have made a different choice, knowing what you know now?

No, I dot think I would have done, although it was very hard. And I suppose in a way the worst thing is the not knowing, you know, if the pregnancy had gone full term, if the baby had survived, what was, what would have been wrong with the baby? Would it have been very severely affected or not, mentally and physically? Thas the worst, is thei. But I dot think that I would have, no, not this time, no.

It was very hard, and I am very grateful that the hospital had this room, as I said. it’s called the Forget-Me-Not Room. And thers all plaques on the wall of people who have had babies in there and theve got plaques in the memory of their babies.

Thers people that have written their story, and so you can read their story of what happened to them. it’s got a shower and so, you know, you dot have to, yove got your own midwives, you dot actually have to see anybody else because it is on the labour ward as well, it was.

You know, it had pictures up, it had things to look at, it had microwaves so you could bring food in. And my husband and my mum came with me. And I remember thinking that I didt want any pain relief because at the time I felt that I deserved to feel pain at that time, so I didt want any pain relief. But it got so bad that, you know, my mum sort of said,Yore being silly. Yore going thorough it physically and mentally. You need to have som.

So I do remember that they gave me some morphine, and she was born at 5 in the evening. I was induced at 10, and she was born at 5. And they took her away and they just, they brought her back in a crib, in a Moses basket, as it were, and I just remember she looked absolutely tiny in it. But we were allowed to keep her as long as I wanted, I could stay with her.

Was the care during the labour sympathetic?

Yes, yeah, they were, they were very, very good, the midwives. They were very, very good, I must say. They were really nice.

So, in so far as it could be a good experience, it was as good as it could be?

Yes, I, yeah, definitely, definitely think so.

What would you say to health professionals who are looking after women going through this experience? What is it that you needed that you got in this case? What were the things were really important to you?

Comfort, empathy, understanding, telling people exactly what yore going to do. But I think really be careful about what they say, because I do, I remember the next day the bereavement midwife came to see me and she said to me,Do you feel better now it’s all over Which is a stupid thing to say, really.

So I would just say,Just be careful what you sa. You know, some people they, of course they, she didt mean it horribly, but it just, it sounded so awful when she said that. So I would just say, yeah,Just be careful of what you sa.

What could she, how could she have phrased that differently that would have helped?
Ho – well, just,How are you feeling And, just, yeah, I think just comfort, and sympathy, you know, obviously, you know, towards you and your husband as well, or partner, whoeves there with you, to include him in the process as well, which they did. They were very good at that, I must say. They spoke to both of us. It wast just speaking to me, it was speaking to both of us.

Obviously he went – they didt really go through the procedure. He just told me, you know, that obviously to find out 100 per cent accurately, thas the only way they could do it, and what they did, that they took the cells and they grew it and counted the chromosomes to check if there was an extra chromosome.

So he went through exactly what happened, but – they did say I could go, as I said, they did say I could go back – but I just felt as if they were sort of saying, you know,Yove got to find out and thas the only way you can find out, and you need to find out no.

I felt I needed to know, but a lot of it sort of went over my head. Because I was in, you know, it was, it’s all a shock and yore not really with it, as it were, a lot of what he said I didt take on board until afterwards. And maybe thas why I felt a bit pressurised as well, because yore there and yore not really, yore sort of scared into it in some ways.