Annie – Interview 17
Annie had a ‘normal’ life before becoming unwell in her teens. She was admitted to hospital at 18 and diagnosed with cerebral lupus at 24. She finds the stigma and experience similar to others with severe mental illness. She is now doing graduate studies.
Annie described life as being pretty normal’ before contact with mental health services. She describes her background as quite privileged’. There was no family history of mental health problems and she hadn’t been exposed to anything horrible’. She describes things as slipping’ a little bit, for example not going to parties as she didn’t feel particularly sociable. She then describes things as gradually escalating’ and her parents thinking that she was doing drugs. She felt that her parents were quite liberal’ so they let it ride’. Eventually the school called social services as Annie was starting to act so oddly at school and was not really on planet earth’.
Annie struggles to remember this period and she describes herself as in and out’. She said she tried to hide her behaviour. She recounts moments of insight in which she thought Shit, what’s going on?’. She now finds it very hard to explain the experience to other people but it was a sort of vagueness, and it was very scary. She had alarming thoughts such as the house is on fire’, rather than hearing or seeing anything. A lot of the time they were centred around the police coming to get her, and she worried when she heard sirens. She says that she was five miles ahead of herself’ as her thoughts were racing. In the children’s home her sleep and eating were all over the place’ and her ability to keep herself clean was declining. She was referred to a psychologist and that escalated to psychiatry. She was subsequently admitted to psychiatric hospital and was sectioned for six months. When she was first sectioned she didn’t know about the legal process. In some ways she was relieved and in others she was deeply embarrassed. She was admitted into adult services as she was 18, and felt quite young by comparison. She found it a bit boring. Some of the nurses she found were nicer than others, and she said the food was crap’. She remembers being on quite a lot of medication, and for the first few days feeling pretty shit’. Initially she was treated for psychosis and depression, as well as sleeping tablets.
Annie had to repeat her A’ levels and was a couple of years behind’. She feels sad when she looks back that she missed lots of 18th birthday parties, had a difficult time in the upper sixth, and was sectioned on her 21st birthday. She was sectioned again when she went to university for the first time. She found halls of residence very difficult and very noisy. In the end she was very paranoid, and a tutor alerted services as she wasn’t drinking or eating. Eventually her door was knocked down and she was taken to A&E. She got her degree and says that nobody much noticed that she couldn’t cope, as the course had minimal contact hours. She was having lots of time off sick and then at 24 she was diagnosed with lupus. From that point on her experiences were interpreted as cerebral lupus and not psychotic depression. She now finds it easier talking about lupus than about her experience with mental health services. She doesn’t really tell colleagues and wider friends now, and getting across to people the fact that she is still confused about aspects of her experience but that she isn’t completely mad’ is difficult to get across. A psychiatric diagnosis was a relief to her in some ways as showing that you’re not just being an idiot’.
She describes the impact mental health has on everything, and the importance of getting the balancing act’ right. Although she is currently loads better’ she says that she wouldn’t bet a pound it wouldn’t happen again’. She says that she can’t take in too much information and gets overloaded really quickly’ even if the stimulation is nice, such as going on holiday. Annie says that in theory she knows how to balance her life now, but doesn’t always get it right in practice. She has had help from mental health services, who have advised her to live within [her] limitations. She tends to have just one negative voice saying really awful things are going to happen. She doesn’t recognise the voice and describes it as all-prevailing’ at some points. She describes her family as supportive, but sometimes they struggle to understand what it’s like. They didn’t give up on her’ and they encouraged her to complete university. Now her mum rings every day. They have held on to who [she is] even when she’s been unwell’, and not saying you’ve messed up’ . Annie thinks that the medication slows you down’ but, as she has been on it for so long, she can’t remember what it’s like to be off psychiatric medication. Now she is on a low dose to Trifluoperizine rather than higher doses during episodes. She finds too much choice’ very stressful. Even when she isn’t in a total episode’ she still has vulnerabilities. When she is unwell she starts thinking stupid thoughts and gets ten steps ahead of herself’. She has been in the same location for ten years and has consistent experience of services. The social side, such as meeting up with friends or keeping appointments, can be quite difficult. Her relationship with her boyfriend becomes less equal’ when she is unwell, but it is flexible, so changes when she is well. Recovery for her would mean genuine acceptance’ but would like a total recovery’ where everything is brilliant’.