Again I tried to conquer these fears and this anxiety until one day I had to go to the hospital emergency. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, again, everything links to the heart. I thought I was going to heart attack. I did a couple of exams which I’d been doing like medical exams which I’d been doing for those, for the past year, for the past two years. Just to make sure that there was nothing wrong with me and that was quite reassuring. But it never really worked because deep down I always thought no I have something, there’s something wrong with me, because my heart sometimes jumps. But then I don’t think I’ve ever realised that it was just anxiety really. So from that moment onwards when I went to the hospital and when, when I was actually told you suffer from panic attacks and this is something very common. This is something that more and more people seem to have. I thought that was, that, that, that I would have a lot of benefits from going to the hospital and being told face to face what was, what was, what was, what was the matter. But still again deep down I wasn’t absolutely convinced there was something wrong with me. If there was something wrong it wasn’t psychological it was something physical. I still, I kept seeing this, this doctor for’ quite regularly every’ every three months I suppose.

As someone that has been over in the UK for nine months I think you said. I just wonder whether you feel if that’s played any part in how you feel and what part it it’s played really, being away from home I suppose is what I’m, I’m asking?

Right. When I, as I said when, when I left Portugal I always thought I’m going to leave the panic attacks behind because the whole situation helps. But no. They will travel with you definitely. And the whole anxiety thing will travel with you. But because you’re living a sort of new life when you emigrate, you always think that you no longer have those symptoms and those, you know, and that. The whole, all the problem you think it disappears but eventually it will come just, just give it some time until they settle down and it’s you again. And they will come anyway. I don’t, I don’t think being in the UK triggers more panic attacks. As I say it has good things and it has bad things on the whole thing.

The good things is that I know there’s a better response here in terms of, in terms of doctors and people and even society. On the other hand I don’t have my friends here. I don’t, I have to explain the whole thing to the new people I meet. And certainly the way that people work and how much they work in the UK doesn’t help because you can’t really sort of you can’t say, ‘Can I have just a few minutes more of, you know, of lunch break because, you know, I’m not feeling very well today. You know, you can ask but obviously that’s not the ideal situation, because people commit themselves so much to work here that it becomes difficult. Do you see what I mean? And it, it becomes difficult for instance to be able to go for a wander because it’s, I consider it a more dangerous place to live in because, you know, it’s a bit dangerous out there. So I might not, it might not be a good idea to be a good idea to leave the house and go for a wander which sometimes help just sort or making a panic attack a bit more or making you less anxious. So there are good things and bad things. I suppose there might be, I don’t know, I don’t think I’m in, I’m in a position to say it’s better to be here than in, because Portugals my home. So it, it’s difficult. And I say in terms of response it’s been very good that so far. I know that I’m still waiting to get therapy or to be seen by somebody. But at least I know that these people have dealt with panic attacks before. They know probably exactly what I’m going through. And I can join other groups for instance groups that I’ve mentioned before on the internet. And like minded people I can meet them and talk to them about them about this and it will much easier. So I think yes maybe overall if you want a definite response, maybe overall it’s better to be in UK.

I’ve recently found a very good way of dealing with this and as a result I’ve felt the benefits. And I’m very, very pleased to say this, but it, that doesn’t mean that I won’t have any panic attacks or I just feel, you know, not anxious, because I still do but the panic attacks certainly decreased a lot. It was basically going on the Internet and finding groups of people that have exactly the same symptoms as I do, have done exactly the same amount of, as, as of, medical tests as I did, and keep going to the hospital with the same symptoms and there’s nothing wrong with them. The same way there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with my health. But it’s people that I can see that have the same problems. So going on the Internet is one of them, certainly, because one thing is the doctor saying to you, ‘This is what you have, don’t worry you’ll be fine. I don’t believe in the doctor because the doctor never experienced what I have to experience what I have to deal with every single day.

But the people on the Internet for instance, they, they know exactly, they, they write their stories and their stories sometimes absolutely match my story and that is such a great comfort, that is just, it’s just like taking a pill like I used to and, and just feel fine. So, it’s, it’s, that’s one of the, that’s one of those strategies. Another one is basically, I read this article the other day about this, this, this girl, I think she works on TV, and she, basically she has a very similar personality to mine, she’s, she tries to be a perfectionist and she worries about everything and what she says is, when you’re anxious, when you’re having a panic attack, just think that your body is over-reacting and that’s it. It’s your body, just over-reacting. And that makes it, I say it to myself, ‘Oh, I’m feeling anxious, oh, hang on, no. It’s your body over-reacting. Forget it. And this has been working, this has been working for the past month I think. It’s very recent and that’s why I’m very happy about it.

Breathing exercise, that I been to several sessions about coping with stress blah, blah, blah. It never really worked but there you go. The breathing exercise you know that one where you put your hand and, and, you know, just below your, your lungs and try to breathe with your stomach rather than your lungs because apparently that reduces the’ your heart beatings and that helps. Especially with me. It does help. But when you’re in the middle of a panic attack, it doesn’t help [Laughs]. It’s before, it’s all I think it’s all about and when I think it really works is preventing the anxiety state even though it’s there but just try to, to control and it. And if you control the anxiety levels you will control the panic attack. I think that’s very important.

But as soon I, as soon as workload started to increase I couldn’t sleep for, you know, due to stress. And that’s when that panic attacks started again to be sort of very persistent, happening on a daily basis. And what happened, what happened to me is that for the past five years basically coming back to the beginning going back to the beginning, for the past five years I’ve been feeling anxious every day. It’s like getting, I try to describe it to people it’s like going to an exam or having to a plane when you’re feel, when you’re afraid of flying every single day. And that, that’s the feeling I feel every day. I can’t switch off. But just that I’m constantly anxious. So, basically overall that’s it.

OK. Thank you. I mean just to pick up really where you left off I mean can you tell me a bit more then about what it’s like to feel anxious and also what’s like to have these panic attacks?

Feeling anxious is not being able to, this I’ve, it seems like I’m always aware of what’s going on with my body. And everything sign that my body transmits is like, there’s something wrong with me. And again if my foot hurts or of my hand hurts it’s not a major thing. But if I have any sort of palpitation that’s it I always think, my god something’s about to happen. This is the anxiety thing that I think leads to the panic attacks because I don’t think I would have panic attacks if I wasn’t anxious. And as I say, it’s feeling that constant fear not only that I will have a panic attack sooner or later. But it’s also the fact that my body’s always, always not shaking or anything but sweaty palms, dryness of the mouth, all those symptoms associated with anxiety. Whereas other people I suppose are just you know normal. They just don’t feel anything. They’re just in a normal state. I’m always anxious.

With panic attacks is, is a bit different that’s when I, usually as I as said when I have some sort of symptom especially related to the heart, I just start thinking the worst things. And that’s when all those symptoms that I’ve just described about anxiety just are even more exaggerated. And that’s when I just, I feel like I’m going to die. I can’t stop thinking about really bad thoughts in my mind, there’s a bit of confusion in my mind. And the worst, the worst things that might happen with, when a panic attack is happening is just trembling and not being able to stop. Even sometimes taking drugs it might still happen for about at least two hours, at least. And that’s something that I can’t really understand people keep telling me and the specialists keep telling, ‘Oh a panic attack happens within seconds. Not with me it happens it can happen for hours and I can’t stop it. I don’t have that response. I don’t think my body has that response. So briefly that’s what happens in a panic attack and that’s the whole anxiety thing that’s just constant.

And has that made a big difference, being able to speak English so well?
Definitely. Because as I say, for instance, with panic attacks, I can’t describe them very well, even in my own mother tongue let alone in English. If you don’t, if you can’t speak English then how can you be assisted? You can’t, because you can’t, you can’t point saying, ‘This is my problem. You can go to the hospital with a broken leg, back to the broken leg, and say, ‘This is my problem. And they will fix it for you. But not with a, with something that is in your mind, definitely no. It’s concealed.

And I mean you’ve mentioned a couple of times there this idea of recovery or, you know, whether there’s a cure or not. What’s your view on that is it something that you think you will recover from or not?

Do you mean that one day people will find a ‘?

Well or’ or that one day you will not’?

Right

‘Have this anxiety I suppose?

I don’t think so. I truly believe without being well without knowing anything about, you know, medicine and anything about how all these things work in one’s mind, I’ve always believed that there are events probably your in childhood or on your life that makes you. And this is why I say that I think that the death, the sudden death of my friend was a major thing in my life because I, I’d seen him two days before and nothing, there was nothing wrong with him. And then all of the sudden he’s dead. That is I think that that caused, that must have done something in my mind. So I don’t think recovery’s very, is very easy because the things that happened you can’t erase them from your memory. You can’t erase, it just happened. It’s in the past but it’s still very the, the what, you hear in the situation, the people that were there are still very fresh in your mind and always will. That’s I suppose that’s trauma I don’t know. So I don’t think that recovery is very easy on this, on this thing, well with anything sort of mental condition I think or with mental health. So I think it’s, I think the solution relies on the attitude and how we behave towards this. Not letting anxiety and panic attacks take on your life. And just dominate your life. You just have to think that you’ll have a normal life and eventually they will go away. But they don’t [Laughs].

I always tell this might, I always tell this to myself, told it so many times to myself, right now I’m experiencing a good moment. And the good moment is I might have problems with, in my life but I don’t, I’m not experiencing panic attacks. But the following day it might happen anyway. So I can have one tonight and then the whole thing starts again so. It just doesn’t happen isolated and that’s the problem. It always, it always gets you by surprise.

And how do you feel about the, the prospect of maybe always having to live with this?

I’m conformed. When, after you have like so many panic attacks, I used to, I remember in the beginning I used to say, ‘Oh I remember that day when I had a panic attack. I can’t say that now because it just happens so many times. It can happen everyday during a two months or three or four months. So I don’t, I’m just conformed. I’m just oh well. I just live with it. And I think that’s a good attitude really to being able to, you know, that’s how I am what am I going to do? Am I going to because if you always think about it, oh I’m going to suffer for the rest of my life? I’m going to be in agony for the rest of my life that doesn’t help. It just gets you even more anxious. So all you have to do is just think that you’re normal even though you of course there’s not such as having normal people and abnormal people. There’s no such thing. But you have to think that you will have a normal life anyway. That’s, I think that’s halfway through for the cure to be honest if there is such a cure.

Can you I mean can you remember a time when, when your when your view shifted then from, from feeling like that was something that would happen from time to time to now coming to the realisation?

It’s very gradual. And even when even when you’re feeling very positive about it