Ending a pregnancy for fetal abnormality
Men's ideas about their role in ending a pregnancy
We talked to 9 men about their experiences of ending a pregnancy. All were affected by the experience and said it had changed the way they looked at themselves, their lives and their families. Here are some of their thoughts.
Supporting their partners
Feels that his role was to help his wife recover properly by making sure she had enough time and...
Feels that his role was to help his wife recover properly by making sure she had enough time and...
So you, I was worried for her, from that point of view, and I know that that was an issue for a while, but she did fantastically well. But it is a horrible thing, your body is changing, you're hormonally in a dreadful state, physically you're in a bad state. I suppose I just wanted to sort of put sticking plaster over all the leaks really and try and, I know that my effort with my son went two-fold. I sort of, did sort of step in and really take over a lot more of the day-to-day sort of pastoral care of him, and that sort of gave her a relief I think to sort of regroup and really get her strength back. So I think that's the best thing I could have done for her really, let her know that he was alright.
Thinks that it has helped his wife that he was there to listen and talk to her.
Thinks that it has helped his wife that he was there to listen and talk to her.
So what's your strong point for her do you think?
Yeah my presence and, and talking things through. We do talk about things, probably not as much as she'd like. But, [laughs] yeah, being there through everything, always, certainly that's the most important thing, to be there. And to talk about it I guess yes, that's important.
He feels that men should be strong and describes how he helped his wife in practical ways.
He feels that men should be strong and describes how he helped his wife in practical ways.
Mother' You sort of took over.
Father' Yeah, take over basically, so [my wife] can concentrate on what she's got to concentrate on, especially if like there's a termination coming up. That's, you've got to just be there.
And, you know the silly little decisions like 'What are we going to have for dinner?' You know, if you're emotionally involved with something like that, a termination, who cares about what you're going to have for dinner? But you've got to eat, so why doesn't the man take simple little things like that over - those sort of what you take-for-granted decisions.
Feels that he and his wife supported each other through the termination and that he has accepted...
Feels that he and his wife supported each other through the termination and that he has accepted...
Things that men found difficult
He felt helpless when he saw his wife in distress and thinks that it can be difficult for men to...
He felt helpless when he saw his wife in distress and thinks that it can be difficult for men to...
It is you know, with hindsight, it is all geared around the woman, whatever reasons I mean, you, a lot of single mums around, and whatever, you can see the reasons why. I don't know whether counselling at the time would be good for me - I don't think it would have been - I don't think I wanted to do anything about, you know, with those emotions then.
There's not until 6 months, a year later, then it sort of starts, I don't know, sinking in a bit more. Maybe you know you can. but sometimes I don't know what the benefit of counselling is. It works for some people, it does work for some people, for others it causes more problems you know.
He tried to support his wife in all kinds of ways and realised the most difficult thing was...
He tried to support his wife in all kinds of ways and realised the most difficult thing was...
My wife found it very, very useful writing down everything in her, on the computer - I'd find her tapping away at the computer, I'm like, 'What are you doing?'. 'I'm just updating my diary'. So she literally wrote a diary of the pregnancy.
What I found useful and what I also found very upsetting, was reading what she'd written, because she was able to get down a lot more in a, in a you know, in a file on a computer than she could convey to me without, without breaking down in tears all the time. So that, that document was very, very helpful for me. As I say it was very upsetting as well because she was saying things in there, where I was thinking, 'Well I should have known that', or 'I could have dealt with that better'. So it was, it was upsetting because I, you know, I knew maybe I hadn't been there when she needed me or whatever.
But just listening a lot of the time, but as couple we were talking about it a lot as well, whilst trying to have a fairly normal family life for our little boy, so it was difficult. I know that I was putting on a very brave face. And once, once we'd gone through the termination, probably, well a few days after that, that's when it all came out for me. I remember sitting here and it just went, that's when I just let go. A probably realised then how much of a brave face I'd been putting on it.
Do you recommend doing that 'putting on a brave face', is that something you probably have to do to get through it?
You have to put on a brave face to get through some of, you know, you need to get, because life does go on. And as much as the situation we were in was sort of, it never really took over our life, but it, I can see how for some people it might just take over your life completely. But we still had a little boy to look after, we still had friends that wanted to see us, we still had responsibilities at work and responsibilities outside of work, and you've still got to get on with those things, so yeah the, the brave face is necessary. And I think as a man you're more expected to put on that brave face and to be strong and to be there, but sometimes it's bloody difficult, really was.
Describes feeling very anxious about the possibility of going through another pregnancy.
Describes feeling very anxious about the possibility of going through another pregnancy.
The last four years has I think really used a lot of energy, emotionally and physically, more physically from my wife's point of view, because being pregnant that many times in that short space of time must be just exhausting, let alone the emotional devastation that is exhausting as well. So to put yourself in that position again. I think is potentially very dangerous. Not because it, I mean it might work, we might have a very healthy child, but if it doesn't, it's jolly tough.
How ending the pregnancy has changed them
His experience has affected his work and has made him more concerned about the children he...
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His experience has affected his work and has made him more concerned about the children he...
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Father' Yeah, I've found that has been a bit of a downside for me. In my profession I find it difficult to deal with children now, which is obviously, it does come up at times. It's not as though - if anything bad happens to a child that I come across, then I do my best to deal with it as I would have done - but now I do find I come away afterwards thinking about it still.
Says that having another baby as well as the passage of time helped him and his wife recover from...
Says that having another baby as well as the passage of time helped him and his wife recover from...
Feels that the experience of ending a pregnancy has made his relationship with his wife even...
Feels that the experience of ending a pregnancy has made his relationship with his wife even...
A selection of what women said they valued about their partners - written clips only
'He was a rock'.
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'He was a rock'.
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'I wouldn't have been able to go through that experience without my husband's support and his...
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'I wouldn't have been able to go through that experience without my husband's support and his...
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It took a lot of work on my husband's part - because he knows how I am and he knows how I work - to ask her questions in a way that I would understand. And a lot of repetitiveness was required for me.
And I, even at the end of speaking to the registrar doctor, I still didn't have a terribly clear understanding. And it was when, and the obstetrician came in, the obstetrician consultant came in and, again, I didn't really hear what she was saying. And I can remember specifically coming home and saying to my husband, 'What's the effect of the baby having no fluid around him?' And my husband having to explain it to me at least 3 times then.
And I wasn't sort of - I was listening but I wasn't really hearing the detail of what I was being told - and it was... had my husband not been there, then it would have been, I just don't know I'd have done. And I wouldn't have been able to go through that experience without having my husband's support and his clarity of thought. And being him, being able to ask the right questions, I had no idea what questions to ask, I had no idea even what I wanted to ask. But he did and that was a tremendously helpful.
[About her partner] 'With him I felt safe because... this was our loss together'.
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[About her partner] 'With him I felt safe because... this was our loss together'.
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[About her partner] 'He did try hard... he's very good at talking about things'.
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[About her partner] 'He did try hard... he's very good at talking about things'.
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He did have his own pain about losing the baby, but in many ways it was worse having to stand by and watch the effect it had on me, and, and feel that there was absolutely nothing he could do really. I mean, and he, yeah, he did try hard, he did try, he's actually a very good talker, he is actually very good at talking about things, and when I got very, I did get depressed for quite a lot of months, he did, and he could tell when I was in a you know, a really bad frame of mind, and he'd say, 'Would you like to talk?' you know 'Would it help to talk?' and, which I did always appreciate him making the offer, but sometimes, like, 'No. I don't want to talk,' and I would just go to bed and pull the covers over my head.
Last reviewed July 2017.
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