And the morning after hed sort of clipped my hair I met my mum and we went shopping. I put my, I did put my wig on that evening because I thought I’d better used to it quickly and then the next morning I just put it on, went out and went shopping. Felt a bit strange initially because if you frown and you’ve got your own hair you hair goes with you, but when you’re wearing a wig and you frown it feels like it’s either going to fall off or it does just feel very strange. But I mean they’re amazingly resilient and even in the windiest of places I never once felt it was going to fall off. And because they’re so realistic, even if it blows your hair out of the way all you can see is your scalp, so.

And I’d grown my hair a bit longer so that it more or less matched my wig. My wig was just a bit of a different colour, it had sort of like red highlights in it, so I think most people just thought I’d had a colour put on it. But, you know, I was quite happy to wear it. Although I did find in the winter I needed to wear a hat more because the wind seemed to sort of cut through it and it definitely isn’t as warm as having your natural hair.

A week after having seen the female GP I had an ultrasound scan. My appointment time was 5 o’clock in the evening. Both my husband and my mum had offered to come with me and I’d said “Oh no I’ll be fine because I have to go back to the GP for the results.” And I’d already made that appointment to see the GP the following Tuesday, which was six days later.

Had the ultrasound and as she was doing it I just got this impression that things weren’t going quite as well. She kept sort of going back over areas and things. Anyway she finished her examination and said, asked me when I was going to see my GP. I said “Oh six days time,” she said “Well I think it would be a good idea if you see him before the weekend.” So I said “Fine.” And then she said “Well actually can I have his number because I’m going to speak to him now,” this was quarter to 6 in the evening. So I said “So it’s not a fibroid then?” and she said “No all I can tell you is that weve found a mass about the size of a grapefruit,” and words to the effect of “even if it’s something nasty were very good at keeping people alive these days,” which sort of sent alarm bells ringing.

The GP said he would see us the following morning after morning surgery, and I must say it felt quite a long night that night, didn’t sleep very much. I think partly it was because the ultrasonographer couldn’t legally tell us what was wrong so, you know, it has to be done by a doctor. And obviously at the back of our minds was ‘well is he going to tell us in the morning that I’ve got cancer?’ But it was the not knowing that was worse.

The first dose I think must’ve been in the November and my hair started falling out just, I think it was a week after, I can’t remember if was a week or two weeks now. And initially it just, there were just one or two strands of hair that came out, by the second day there were a few more, by the third day it was coming out in handfuls. And on the fourth day I’d got quite a few bald patches so I asked my husband to cut it as short as he could, and I said maybe well leave it at that. But it was still coming out quite a lot so he just got the clippers and clipped it off. But strangely enough we had quite a laugh about it because as he was cutting it he kept saying “Oh, you know, you’re so and so now,” and then hed cut a bit more and “Oh, you know, definitely Sinead O’Connor,” and this sort of thing.

I mean that’s the good thing, if you like, about cancer and the treatment of chemotherapy is that everything has a time limit. You know exactly when you’re having your treatment, you know you might feel poorly for three or four days afterwards but you know after that you’ll feel fine, so you can plan your life to work round it. The same as avoiding busy places when your blood count is low, you know, don’t go shopping on a Saturday afternoon, but you can go at a quieter time.

But I think the way they tell you, I mean I know they’re dealing with this every day and obviously the statistics for ovarian cancer for survival are not very good, so most of your time at work is spent with people who actually have a very limited life expectancy, but I think probably they don’t realise that whatever they say, you know, those are the words that ring round your head at 3 o’clock in the morning when you can’t sleep.

And I could quite accept that, you know, there was no guarantee that I was going to be cured, and I had been told that by the Macmillan nurse, but shed done it in such a way that it wasn’t resounding round my head at 3 o’clock in the morning. So I think, you know, the bedside manner could be a little bit kinder.