So when I went to the counselling session with the, [name] he, through questions, he took me down, back in time to my childhood and I was crying like a two year old, angry and sad. And’ there was a point when he came to me [horn beeps] and put his hand on my shoulder and suddenly it was like a, as the course is called a ‘turning point’ in me. I began to cry in a different way. This angry little toddler changed suddenly into a needy toddler because that little touch made me understand about my need of physical affection. My mum or my dad never would have, never showed any affection and to me it’s just a human need. So my husband suggested for me afterwards to go for massage, body massage and that helped me so wonderful that I did the course and I give body massage. It is not just good for the person whos receiving the massage but also for me a time of relaxation, a time of togetherness, a time of confidentiality, so all this apparently insignificant things are what really help to, helping me with my mental health.

And yeah when I see, I mean I was having my life and I was going up and up and up and there so were so many, from so many different points of view that, the way I call it, ‘a break down’ is of course, my life broke there, and I fell down, that’s how I see it, that’s how I show it in my picture.

And it’s not just a falling down, it’s falling down on my own, in a, that’s why it’s black my line, because it’s a dark tunnel, not knowing where I was going to end up. And the way I see it I ended up in a, like a vacuum on my own with many other people in the same situation, others looking after them but not knowing exactly where anyone is going. So I think that I look back and I say, ‘I have dug out with my own hands, my own path, very painfully, for a long time, very hard, but in the end it’s been worth it. And the path is open for anyone who wants to follow it.

When I look back I feel grateful for my husband to be there because I know and I’ve heard of other people who have been seen by these teams have been treated badly, ignored, horribly. But I think that, because there is racism, well it’s everywhere, but the fact that my husband is white and blue eyes and tall, and strong man, well-spoken, well-educated, by me, being by me he gave a different impression, they listened to me. He also was with me in appointments and so to me the fact that he was white, English, made a difference to the treatment that I received because then when I was on my own then I knew what abuse was [Cries]. That is hard. Why do I have to have someone by my side to be respected? Ignored and humiliated, that’s what I

So I began to deal with my anger writing letters to my mum, nine letters altogether, telling, explaining her, ‘look I’m angry with you because of this and that and that and that. At the time I was in a therapy group, and I was telling the group what I was doing, and I began to realise how healthy I began to feel. So I began to think, ‘well this is interesting, it’s not matter of telling people about how my mum was, it’s about telling her how angry I am with her.

So I did it and I knew that was going to be angry with me, she wouldn’t like it but I risked it. And yes, she stopped talking to me for a while and later on she wrote to me. I tried to speak with her and, but she proved to be terribly ambitious and materialistic and, if I help her with money and things I was her daughter, if I joined her church I was her daughter, if not then I wasn’t. So I decided, OK I don’t have a mum and gradually over time I, I made my own decision to be my own mum. I think I was lucky to know what being a mum was because I already had my, my daughters when I had a nervous breakdown so I knew what it was being a mum. I didn’t want to be like my mum, consciously, and so yeah I decided that I was, and I have been, I have been, and I am a different mother. So at the moment I’m mothering myself, and fathering as well because my dad died when I was fifteen so I have to mother myself, and I mother my two daughters which is very hard. But I, but if I do it that makes me a better person and a better mum that I want to be. So dealing with my anger I also dealt with my anger with my dad but because he was already dead I also wrote a letter to him but I share it in my group. For me the group represented my dad, the absent dad and it also helped me to release my anger and to calm down, calm my anxiety because that’s what I was, I was too anxious, too nervous about everything [Sighs]. So I continued dealing with my anger.

And then came the counselling, six sessions of counselling where I began to talk about my anger with my parents and with many people, just mentioning it because six sessions were not enough. Actually the, the counsellor was very distant, she was, used to sit in a corner far away. And I remember telling her after the sessions, the six sessions, she said, ‘I don’t see you any more,’ and I said this is like I want to say goodbye properly. And because the Latin American way is to give a hug, and to closeness but she just stretched her hands like that and just so I just felt it was a waste of time and then I became suicidal. In my head there was a picture of a baby, a baby, an unborn baby and I could see the umbilical cord and everything and I remember because she, she probably gave me another few session afterwards and she asked me what was the feeling and where does the cord link to, goes to? And I said, ‘It ends in this room. And since then, I became suicidal really. And I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts and gradually working with my anger they went and I cut my medication off and so.
So you mentioned I think going to hospital?

Yeah

When did that happen?

[Laughs] Yes that was, I suppose I was already feeling suicidal.
Was this around the same time then?

After the sessions with the counsellor, because, I took my daughter one day to school and I, and these thoughts of killing myself terrified me, I knew that my husband was not at home, he had gone to post office, somewhere nearby and I didn’t want to go back to the house on my own. I went to the doctors which is just around the corner and I told one of the staff how I was feeling and they spoke with the doctor and the doctor said for me to stay, that they would keep phoning home until my husband was there so I could go. But I suppose they also saw the danger of me being on my own anywhere and they suggested for me to go to the hospital.

I was relying so much on medical help that I didn’t mind going to the doctors and having whatever they gave me. But never in my life I thought I was going to be mentally ill, or psychologically ill.
Did you recognise what you were going through at the time as a mental health issue, when No?

No. Not until they took me to the psychiatric hospital then the, the shock came, and my awareness began. I began to change everything around me and looking for my own answers.
And what did you think when they gave you, well initially they gave you Valium and then they changed that, they gave you Prozac.

Prozac and something else.
So what did, what did you make of that, what did you think they were giving you that for, did you think at that point that you had a mental health problem or’?

[Sighs] The doctor gave me Valium and the day of the, when they took me to the emergency team was when I realised it was psychiatric unit. And then seeing the psychiatrist later on, changing my medication, by then I was aware of, that it was not a physical illness.
So did you, when you first got the Valium from your GP did you, did you think it was a physical?

No, no I didn’t think that. I thought that maybe I think this, I was so na’ve, thinking that the nerves is something like a tummy, so a tablet for the aching of the nerves [laughs], something like that, well it wasn’t like that but. It’s a very na’ve way of seeing things, I suppose. Mmm’

What I really want to say is that the language and communication are so crucial in therapy. And I was saying that talking with people is never the same as talking to people. But we normally say talking to, I’m talking to Maria, talking to Juan, John to whoever. That sounds patronising. If you talk with someone it is different because there is a relationship that comes and goes. So the way we use the language and the words that we use had a lot to do with mental health, a lot, because we just repeat and repeat everything. It’s like the word ‘mind’? What is ‘mind’? I don’t use the word mind because mind is so many things and at the same time it is nothing. So yeah it’s questioning almost everything, everything that I was doing. And perhaps because I studied linguistics, the language became for me very crucial. Very and it helped me. So in the end it’s a lot of circumstances in my life that together make me a different person that I am now.

When I really became aware and conscious of everything, putting my own ideas and answers to my own questions, I came out as a totally different person which I am very pleased I am. And yeah I always wanted to be a calm person since I was working, there was a teacher who was so soft and so gentle, I wished I was like her, and now I can say I am [Laughs]. Having an easier life, my whole philosophy of life is totally different. It’s a pleasure, life is a pleasure, it’s not a rush, a pain any more.

And so did you experience difficulties expressing yourself, for example in therapy or’?

Oh yes, yes, I, the fact that I was not confident about English, about my English, put me off. Within this counselling course, it’s when I came about how important it was for me to speak up. The first day it was about 50 people sitting in, in a room and, and I, in my own view they were all, all of them were English and because they spoke very well and easily. And it was nearly the end of the day and I hadn’t said a word and my heart began to go [gestures], so it was following my feelings that I learnt to speak because I remember saying at the very last minute I want to say something, shaking and I said, ‘I’m shaking. And I explained that, ‘I’m a foreigner, this is the first time I’m in a room with so many English people, English speakers that speak so fluently and so easily, but my heart is coming out. So expressing exactly what I was feeling, that was all I needed. So that was another big, big lesson.