Up until recently, I still had that mindset of, I didn’t decide to be here so why should I be forced to live here. I wasn’t suicidal I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, I was along for the ride but that thought process was still there. And finally I realized, no our purpose is to learn and to love each other, that is the sole reason we are here. And all I hope to do with my life, with what suffering from depression and everything else has taught me is to help other people, is to teach other people and to learn as much about it as I can.

I enjoy the structure I enjoy all of that and being told what to do. I believe there’s a purpose in this Earth for me and if it has something to do with maybe me being on the opposite side, maybe helping other people that I went through, I don’t know, but to answer your question having structure like that takes me out of my own head and puts me into a deepened, greater being, a greater purpose to help myself and others instead of just pulling the covers over my head and saying this is it, this is all life has to offer.

“Yes, I was an abused child,” and, “Yes, I’m depressed but that is not going to stop me from being a bad ass.” Such as it were, you know, I want some– I’m so– even if there are certain days when it feels like I can’t lift myself up from my bed, I still have the sort of feeling that I want to wrestle life and the world into submission, into being exactly what I kind of envision it being. And I work very hard to make those sorts of things happen then, you know, that’s when I’m here.

It really makes you sit back and create your own philosophies on things. Personally I think it’s really made me believe that I create my own purpose in life. That I, that nothing’s really dictating what’s going to happen to me, that I’ve made all of these decisions that, like you said before, I chose personally a lot of these things to do in my life that have bettered my life. Big decisions, and I think like you can really mold your own purpose in life which is, this has taught me a lot going through all of this is that you have the choices. You have the chance to make your own choices and really determine your future and that is just like as bad as it can get, I hope I have seen the worse it can get like it can get better.

I believe that each individual constructs their own sense of purpose and meaning of life, constructs their own system by which they judge themselves to be valuable or not valuable. I absolutely think that religious faith can be an appropriate and healthy and good and beneficial way in which someone can construct their view of the world and of themselves. I also think that it is possible for religious faith, like any framework of looking at the world, to be unhealthy or destructive or negative. In my personal experience, I was raised to value, loving God, and compassion for other people above anything else. And while that mixed in with the unhealthy behaviors and dynamics that I’ve learned from my family and from other families in the community which I was raised, those values manifested themselves early on in me as the sense of needing to sacrifice myself to an unhealthy [inaudible] for God and other people. And while I no longer believe in God or explicitly subscribe to the idea that I have to give myself beyond what is reasonable, compassion and empathy, forging connections and understandings with as many people as possible in as many degrees as possible to as deep level as possible is something that gives my life a great deal of meaning. And something that I find a great sense of comfort and in pursuing.

When I was really depressed, but a friend introduced me to a designer and then the designer took me on as an intern and she, it was a weekend thing. So every weekend my parents would drive me to her studio and I would be there for eight hours and I would intern for her for a bit like organize her studio. And then for the last four hours she would teach me how to sew and teach me how to make and then in the end at the end of that six-month period I had learned how to make a dress from sketch to the final product. So that was really exciting and that’s what really made me, that whole process of seeing something through to the end and it that helped a lot it helped me look forward to the next weekend and the next weekend and the next so that got me through the weeks through school. And after that I had something that I, a skill that I could take home basically and just make whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and that was what I would look forward to making something and seeing it through to the end so that became my focus instead of worrying about everything else that was going on.

So I went up to the professor and I started crying. And I told her I was just like, so embarrassed and I knew the material and I don’t know why I got this grade and I said this is my first class ever in college and I was just nervous and she sat with me and asked me all of the questions over again verbally and I got an A. And she took that score.

And that was so validating and I felt so much support from this person who didn’t even really know me and I thought, what an amazing profession. You know, to really just like have empathy for someone and to show them support and to not judge them. And from that point, I wanted to pursue Psychology. And it was still, it was still a really like difficult road and after that I was still not taking it as seriously as I could have. I’ve always done well in my Psychology classes but there were, I think one was like an art class or something like that, and I just didn’t take it seriously. And that was a class that I failed because I just, I didn’t even go. But then I went back to thinking about my Psychology class and how much that meant to me and then that’s what kind of created that shift is I didn’t want to be truant, I didn’t want to be that person. You know, like I wanted to be that person that gives people a second chance, so I gave myself a second chance.

And another thing that’s helped, for me, is thinking of my mom actually. You know, she’s, she has especially had it hard since my dad passed from cancer 6 years ago. And just, I think of all the drama I put her through when I first moved out and then I really don’t want to put that through her again. Or, or I don’t really want to put her through that again. I mean, she’s already worried enough about me. I mean, she trusts that I’m stable and she trusts that my fiancé takes care of me and vice versa. But I don’t need her stressing like that again.

My family’s had to rely heavily on me to help them through a lot of scenarios and situations. And so what, part of what has helped me stay here, stay alive is the fact that the rock that I’ve put in my life to hold on to, well the goal that I’ve had to help keep me going through each day is you know, take care of my family. So that’s the main rock that I go through because otherwise I mean I have to take care of my family and I also have work but I kind of put those two in the same bucket just because by doing you know my school work and my extra-curricular activities and everything I am indirectly helping my family you know get to a better place or helping be a role model to my siblings. So that has been the rock that I have put in place in my life and so when I think about suicide now I’m thinking you know, If you do this you realize that you won’t be able to fulfill that role anymore. And so you’ll probably feel really bad by not being able to you know, uphold that duty again.

I always had this ability I guess to be able to tell people’s emotions even when they weren’t showing anything on their face. And I guess that might be because I was so neglected from emotion by my mother from for those 13 years or whatever but that actually helped me because I was actually able to help other people out and that’s always what I’ve cared most about you know helping others you know, even if that means sacrificing my own help that is needed. I’ve always just wanted to help other people and from what I figured out was that if I could be around these other people who had these emotions that needed help I could, I would gain them so much so that it has continued now. When I’m in crowds I can feel everybody else’s emotions just by looking at them. And I seem to gain those emotions, I think there’s a term for it it’s called like empath or something like that.

Depression is one of the main drives that I have in being creative. I can’t not be creative. Or else I will self-destruct. So depression gives me that drive to get something out. It gives me a strength and an understanding towards others because I know what it feels like to be fragile. I know what it feels like to be on the verge of killing yourself or on the verge of harming yourself. So I’m more capable of being sympathetic. And it helps me deal with my friends who have depression. It helps me understand them better and they seem to be drawn to my energy and positivity because that’s something that a lot of people with depression don’t have. And that’s the reason I have it, that’s the reason I project it, is because I understand that so many people just don’t have it. So it’s helped me realize where others might need help and where I need help and how that can fit together.

People have told me that I was a positive influence on them or that I saved them from this feeling of isolation or I provided them friendship when nobody else really did. So I kind of see that I can help people, that I’m contributing something. And that, in turn, helps me value myself and-and be nicer to myself. So that, and-and give myself a break. So that I can continue to be good. And that in and of itself is a bit of a self-feeding cycle.