What was it like when you stayed in the hospice to have your pain control?

I was bored. The hospice was lovely. They were very kind in there and, you know, they did all that they could to make me comfortable but, you know, it was a lot of elderly people in there and quite a few dying as well and it was just a boring environment for me and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. But the actual place itself was, is very nice, you know, the way it’s laid out. There are lots of nurses per patient. Far more than in a hospital, so medical, you know, drugs and things are available a lot quicker to you if you need them and they have more time to talk to you and that. And they’ve got various alternative therapies that they offer you such as reflexology, massage, aromatherapy and they do classes like pottery and bead making. So there are things that you can do but even so, the hours did drag.

Did you have any of those complementary therapies?

Yes, I did and I had few of them, especially reflexology, which I loved, which was foot massage. That was wonderful. It made me feel so relaxed.

Had you ever had it before?

No, it’s all new to me. It was very, very nice. it’s the only thing I miss, actually.

Did you have anything else?

Aromatherapy and I had just straight forward massage once.

Any good?

Not bad. I wasn’t keen on the aromatherapy because I found the smells a bit overpowering. The massage I liked but my favourite was definitely the reflexology.

You said that sometimes she felt quite unwell after the chemotherapy?

Yes she did.

Can you remember what sort of problems she had as a result of it?

She was very, felt very sick. And she felt extremely tired, and very uncomfortable. Yes.

Did she take; did they give her medicines to help?

Yes, I don’t think anything though was, was really good enough. She found the Reiki very helpful.

Did she?

Which she found surprising because she thought it was a load of old tosh. But she nevertheless was open enough to say, I think it’s all ridiculous but something about the relationship with the Reiki healer and the Reiki itself she found very useful.

Did she tell you what happened during a session of Reiki?

Yes, yes she did. She’d talk about a feeling of relaxation, warmth, peace, sometimes visualization, and yes she was very intrigued by it.

For others who don’t know about it can you say a bit more about what happens?

Yes, she, it would be a session for about an hour. And she would go into a room. She would lie on a bed, table. And then the Reiki healer would hold her hand, it was a woman, would hold her hands, about eight, ten inches away from her body, and channel universal healing energy is what I believe they would describe it, to my mother.

And she’d feel her feet get very hot, and her hands would get very hot, and she found it a very positive experience, which she would never ever have done before she had cancer. But she was absolutely clear that anything was an opportunity. She would, she never hesitated for a moment that her focus was life.

Did she have to pay for that, or could she have it free?

No. It was a free cancer care support centre. And you could give a donation, which she did. And we gave a donation and we asked people to donate to that cancer centre when she died. But there, everything that was there was free.

Have you been in touch with any support groups?

Yes, initially, when I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I was told about Maggie’s Cancer Care Centre.

And although I was told I just didn’t bother but about six months after my operation my GP suggested that I visit them and I went there and that was really terrific for me, sitting talking with people with the same cancer, or similar cancers, and the experience they went through, and that really helped. And, unfortunately, a lot of people don’t know that places like Maggie’s Cancer Care Centre exists.

And they should be given more time and effort towards them to help people.

So how often do you go there, have you been there?

Well, I’ve not been for quite a while but I used to go every second day, every third day, when I was going for relaxation exercises.

Every Thursday.

No, no, every second day. It was just it was I think the Thursday, no, Tuesday and a Thursday I tell a lie, Tuesday and Thursday I went and they had relaxation courses, and they did some tai chi, which much to my surprise, was very, very helpful. It was very relaxing.

Tell me about tai chi?

Well, well, it’s a form of, well, combative dancing, as it were, and just it’s, it’s very relaxing. it’s just movements of the body and trying to relax at the same time but it was very worthwhile.

Do you do that with music?

Yes, we did it with music. They had music or they put a tape on, and they gave us a tape to take home with us if we wanted to try it at home.

But it was certainly, it was, it was very therapeutic when you were in the group.

And I was very aware of, like I said many times this, that the body’s healing power is enormous, and the more you use it the more it helps you. And it’s endless, it’s more than, it’s stronger than any strong painkillers. This is how it reacts. You know, like I used, used the massage for myself as well.

Like when I had a back problem back in 1990, since then I started to do a massage on myself.

You can massage yourself?

Yes, on myself, this is when I started to believe in self-healing powers, so much body’s recovery from this. Like rather than going for painkiller, I will sit there peacefully, light a candle in the evening, have a dip in the bath, like sit in the bath for a couple of, 15, 20 minutes with the lavender oil and things, and come out and give yourself a massage as well, or probably before having a sit down in the bathtub. The massage, it helps. I do it all the time, like myself. Like if I got a pain up here, the tense neck, I will massage myself gently and it helps me. So this is my big thing, these two things, that body reacts to when you do help yourself and body tells you immediately. Rather than going for a painkiller, massage helps me for two painkillers like, honestly.

But the one thing that I did do and it was, I didn’t realise was I did actually have a massage. Nobody told me not to have a full body, body massage. I had a full body, body massage and was incredibly illthe next day. And when I mentioned it to the consultant he said, Oh no, you mustn’t do that

Why? Why does that happen? Do you know?

No.

No, I don’t. I’ve never heard of it.

Because you, you are on chemotherapy he said, you shouldn’t have a full body massage

Oh.

Presumably it makes things whizz round you quicker, I don’t, I just don’t know. But I know I felt very, very ill the next day. I felt like a wet rag. I, I could hardly get out of bed. My limbs ached and I felt really quite poorly.

Oh.

Hmm.

That’s interesting.

Yes. So I had sort of quite a bad reaction.

You know she was also seeing, seeing a therapist who was using the Bowen technique, and he was, he’s, you know he’s in that whole world of complementary health so he had some product that she was, that he was getting for her as well.

What is that?

Bowen, I’ve had it done so I know. it’s actually quite powerful really. I don’t know quite what it’s based on, what actually happens is that you lie on, on the table and there are certain, it’s all based on probably, goes back to Chinese medicine maybe, there are, there are certain areas of the body, pressure points or whatever, that he sort of manipulates for a while. And then will just sort of touch a particular area and then stop.

And, so I remember sort of chuckling to myself really thinking I’m paying money for this, and he was sort of you know would just lightly touch one area of your body. And then go off out of the room [laughs]. You know and go and make a cup of tea. And then come back and do it again. But I must say that it sort of seemed quite powerful.

So I went to see a hypnotherapist, and explained what the problem was, and he said, that I have some, well it seemed quite logical which was that my rational mind had said, You must give up smoking. But my sub-conscious mind was saying, Go on, it’s all right. You’ve always enjoyed it. And that had been the one that had always won because actually one’s rational mind would have stopped me smoking years ago.

And so he said, you know, If I can work on your unconscious mind, I think we can then get you into equilibrium and you can relax. So, we did that. And it turned out that I’m very susceptible and I can go into a trance just like that. And I was very happy doing that. And when we’d finished that session he said to me, Have you considered using hypnotherapy as a means of cleansing your body, and of healing yourself?

So I said, No, I’ve never considered that. So he said, Well would you like to? So I said, Well, why not? And he said, Well I’ll tell you what, I’ll, I’ll do you a session half price.

And so I went back about a week later. And he put me in a trance and I don’t know whether you’ve ever had any hypnotherapy, but one thing now that you do is that they record the, the process as it happens, and then burn it onto a CD so that you can go into the trance again whenever you want to reinforce your feelings. And so this particular trance which is all about healing, I have used on a number of occasions. And it’s very interesting, when I’ve, when I’ve done it I nearly always fall asleep and then I wake up and it’s as though I have been in a sauna. I’ve sweated out all the toxins in my body.

Which is, is fascinating. And he’s also taught me how to self hypnotise myself, so I can actually self hypnotise myself. Put myself in a trance, and in particular talk to my tumour about how unwelcome he is, and how strong I feel and how my body is capable of withstanding this. So that’s my one bit of alternative therapy

And so it, I mean my attitude to the alternative therapies is very much to sort of have an open mind.

My, you know, my core thing is I do believe that you know the best way of treating my disease is via conventional medical therapy. On the other hand I’ve read a, I’ve had a very powerful belief that my mental attitude towards it is also critical. That my belief that I am capable of beating it is pretty important, because if I don’t believe that I’m capable of beating it who else can believe it? So that bit of sort of mental attitude has been very important to me.