So I was, I was fine yeah, you just can’st move cos you can’st feel your legs so I knew what to expect cos I’sd had a caesarean twice before and obviously I was, I was worried about her but because I knew she was stable and I knew that it was something to do with her bowel I, you know, I kind of had a heads up already so it wasn’st a complete shock that it was happening cos something had been picked up on the scan. so yeah they just let me know that they would, you know, keeping in touch and let me know what was happening as soon as she got to [city name] which they did and to start with they were going to operate and send her straight into surgery but because she was so stable they didn’st actually do surgery until the next day.

Okay, okay.

But yeah I was, at that point I was, I was worried and I wondered what they were gonna find in the surgery because with her condition it can be really a lot more serious or serious but not so bad so we didn’st, yeah, that was probably the most anxious I was, just before they did that first surgery cos you know what you’sre dealing with, as soon as they’sve done it you know what you’sre dealing with. But I knew she was stable so that wasn’st a panic.

Yes so I was becoming more and more ill I got fever and everything and we were both, I didn’st really know where to go. And because there was no-one to look after me, I’sd been discharged from [specialist surgical centre]. I wasn’st at home and I certainly wasn’st going to go and sit in A&E for six hours when my daughter was fighting for her life in hospital because I didn’st want to leave her bedside so I just ignored it. Which is stupid because I should never have done that, should have gone, I should have asked someone and gone what do but no-one ever checked, there was no post-natal check for me. So now I know go because I spoke to my midwife the community midwife that she comes round the next day I didn’st know that so no-one ever checked how I was. And because I was, she was born on the Friday morning the breastfeeding midwife’s didn’st start until the Monday so I almost had three days of leaving them and then I think it might have even been Tuesday morning that I had the first lesson and by that point they were sore as anything. And me and my friend [name] who’s the baby’s mum next to me

Yes so we had, there was a breastfeeding room there which is all the cow milking machines, expressing so we got a lesson how to do it every three hours to go in there and do it. But by that point I was already very, very sore and obviously I was sore down below as well and I hadn’st realised and I didn’st realise for about six months after I had her but in the delivery my tail bone had been completely fractured, I didn’st, it’s still fractured now but I didn’st know that had happened to me because I didn’st know what kind of pain I was supposed to be in, I remember feeling it go now when I think about it when I had her but, no-one else realised and I didn’st know cos I just thought that was the pain you’sre supposed to be in, cos I had stitches. So and honestly now I’m now a new mum sitting on a hard office chair kind of thing in the neo-natal unit for 12 hours a day with a broken tail bone, stitches and an infection in both my boobs and down below [laughs]. and it got to the point I think, I can’st even remember what age she was, were I just felt so ill, sorry do you mind, felt so ill that my mum, obviously was like, what’s wrong, I said I feel so ill and so we managed to find some kind of clinic and I went and had to sit and wait and I remember waiting for about four hours to be seen.

I still didn’st know how she was, I got sent to the post-natal ward this is probably one of my lower points I was just put in a bed on a ward with people, all babies and I had no baby. I can’st even, until that happens to you can’st, people look at you and then people think oh what, oh poor woman what’s happened to her and you’sre obviously upset. And I’m like how is she can they like, we can’st tell you we don’st know, we don’st know and I was just left there and the woman next to me her baby was crying and she couldn’st feed her or something and I just remember hating her absolutely hating her and I asked to go in my own room and they said we haven’st got any and I did get moved after the first day, to my own room which I needed because I was going absolutely mad there. But I sent everyone home then because people had been there for since the Wednesday so I sent [husband] and my mum home.

When she was born, it was quick and the anaesthetist came over and said, you know, How are you? I said, Please just tell me what it is. [Laughs]. I think they all probably suspected I knew along. Obviously, they had done lots of tests along the way and everybody knew I’sd had a CVS. So they knew a hundred per cent what it was but we had never asked. We wanted to have something, something that was special to us and it actually was in the moment and she came out screaming and I think, I don’st know if nobody expected that. They wrapped her in a surgical serang wrap and in a blanket and dad got to hold her and we weren’st expecting it, you know. To me, it was just she’s coming, she’s being whisked away. That first night was so painful. It was so hard. One of the things that I wished the hospital had done differently is that they put me in a unit with nine other women, who all had their babies with them, and I found it so painful. Do you know, she was safe when she was in me and there she was whisked away to another hospital to be treated and was having surgery that night and I’m in a room not being able to sleep because these babies are crying, which is great, you know, for the other mothers but for me it was so painful.

I really thought there was some other way they could have, I don’st know if there was another room or something. It was just such a painful night and I was in there two nights and both were like that. And this I found it, I don’st know if, I don’st know if people weren’st used to having people whose children were whisked away. But the nursing staff, I’sd say, you know, I’sd like to call to the hospital and see how my baby is, you know. She’s just had surgery. And they were saying, Oh, oh well, not now. In. You know, you can imagine, I was getting really upset and, you know, I needed to hear how she was and finally one of them went and called, and let me know that she was doing okay. I needed to know that. I needed to have that reassurance.

The next day I wanted to go and see her and the doctor had said, No, you know, you’sve just had this c-section and your blood pressure is high. And I said, My blood pressure is high because my baby is in another hospital and I’m not with her. I said, I’m going to see her. I said, Even if you have to write in my notes, mother is, you know, not agreeing with medical opinion, I’m going. I’m going. So we reached an agreement that I would go for an hour and so my partner and I went over to the hospital and I got to see her for an hour and it was just, it was so emotional seeing her for that first time, with all of the machinery and, you know, she had the silo* on and you know. So she’sd had this first surgery and she just looked so helpless. And I felt helpless and I, you know, there was nothing I could do and I just, I was I was shocked, even though I’sd seen, you know, thousands of pictures and I was, you know, this is what your baby will look like and I had a tour of the hospital ICU unit.

* Silo
Used as part of a staged repair for exomphalos and other abdominal wall defects. A temporary envelope of plastic sheeting (silo) is created outside the abdomen. The silo is made smaller over a period of days or even months, so that the abdominal contents are gradually pushed back inside the abdomen.

That wasn’st even something I’sd thought of so when he, I had a C Section on the Sunday and I think normally after a C Section you’sll normally be in hospital for three poor four days, also I was quite ill after the C Section so I was quite ill on the Monday and Tuesday and was kind of getting there on the Wednesday morning and my obstetrician kindly said look with [son] having been transferred to [teaching hospital] on the Tuesday evening, she said, Show them you can kind of get up have a shower and provided you get taxi’s to and from the hospital every day and, you know, you’sre not lifting or doing anything too taxing,’s she said I’m willing to discharge you because I know you need to be with your baby,’s Which was a good thing for her, you know, very, you know sensible and kind thing for her to do. But I obviously needed to have the postnatal checks and they were quite important as my blood pressure was proving quite problematic. So she said I think it was the obstetricians initiative but the midwives I think organised it that I she said, You’sre not going to be able to be at home for the midwives to come and do the normal postnatal checks at home’s so they arranged with the [teaching hospital] that I could go into their maternity unit and have the postnatal check done with their midwives.