It was just different. It wasn’t just like I was bummed out or something. It was just, I didn’t know. I didn’t have like any ideas of what to do that would make me feel good. Like, at times in past it’s like, oh I could go hang out with my friends. Oh, I could go play this game or something, you know. I could go make some food or go talk to somebody. This was just like, there’s nothing, there’s, every idea that I thought of just sounded like the stupidest, dumbest thing in the world and yeah, you know. You wake up enough days in a row where every single idea seems like shit, it’s just hard to, I don’t know. That was why I went to go see somebody.

Like basically desperation was I, you know, managed to make the phone call and then go there and spend the money and all that stuff. It was just like, there’s no way that you can, yeah. You like, it’s like you just, at some point you’re so hungry you have to go get food. Even if like you are busy or you don’t have time or you don’t have money or you don’t, nothing sounds good. It’s like, you have to eat and that was pretty much where I was at. It was like if I don’t this, I might not even be alive, you know in like, a years’ time. You know, like just thinking about like if I went that path for like another year it was like, kind of frightening. It was, it could not, could not happen.

And that was what made me do it.

That was one of the reasons that I got, or that I had to get off the medication was that there was some creative block or like, it wasn’t even like I couldn’t be creative because I could make music that sounded good but it did like nothing for me. Like, it was just like, yeah. I was just like, yeah I guess it was because the, well the emotional spectrum. It like elevates it, but it like constricts it so instead of feeling like this, you feel like this, but this happens to be like, you know, there’s all this that you don’t have to like deal with and compared to being depressed, it’s like this is the high end of the spectrum. But yeah, I don’t know. Depression is not good for music. I need like a variation in in emotions or a perceived variation in emotions but it was like, I was not making, in my eyes not creating good art when I was depressed. It was all just kind of like slow and the same and like, yeah. There’s just no variety to it, it was all just kind of came back to the same thing, where it was just like meh.

Kind of sad but kind of you know, optimistic and I don’t know, just. I prefer a broader range of feelings.

both of my parents, you know, they’re parents, imperfect. They were there for me. They’re still together. I mean, I was never abused or anything or had any like messed up stuff like that happen, so it was more just like, I’m doing something wrong I felt like. You know, I just missed a memo on like how to be an adult and I’m suffering the consequences for this.

I didn’t have like any ideas of what to do that would make me feel good. Like, at times in past it’s like, oh I could go hang out with my friends. Oh, I could go play this game or something, you know. I could go make some food or go talk to somebody. This was just like, there’s nothing, there’s, every idea that I thought of just sounded like the stupidest, dumbest thing in the world and yeah, you know. You wake up enough days in a row where every single idea seems like shit, it’s just hard to, I don’t know.

I felt that was the only way I could even get through it was, would be to tell people around me that I’m on it. But a lot of people just know, I mean I’m pretty close to most of my friends, I guess except for acquaintances. I mean, if I’m friends with somebody it’s usually like a pretty close relationship and so they were, I mean, they were probably aware of it before like I was a lot of the time. And I definitely have no problem telling people that I was on as SSRI just because I actually learned a ton of people that were on it that never said anything about it, like, there’s like, it was almost like half the people that would say I am on medication and they were like, oh yeah me too. Like, almost half it seems like. I was just constantly shocked at how many people who were like, oh yeah me too, what are you on. Like, what. You had no indication that they would be on it or it didn’t seem like the kind of person, but yeah. I don’t know. It’s kind of just, at some point I realized the pattern and I was just curious on like, how many people are out there that are doing various medications of various kinds and like, yeah, most of the time it was an SSRI. Very rarely would it be something for something else.

No kind of fears about disclosing?

No. I don’t know. I’m a pretty open person. I mean, I’m somewhat of an exhibitionist. I, you know, most of the time the window blinds are all the way to the top. You know, I don’t. I don’t feel, I mean, I’m sure I have secrets but most of my life, it’s like, I don’t feel like I need to keep it under lock and keys. I mean, I’m not, I don’t have like trade secrets or anything. It’s like, I’m not worried about anything getting out and if it does, it’s like, you know. I don’t know. I think that’s a response to, I see a lot of people in this world hold a lot of like secrecy around love stuff and a lot of people are embarrassed about everything and you can’t talk about money, you can’t talk about this, you can’t talk about that and it’s like pretty much the opposite of how I view things. I feel like a lot of the problems are because people aren’t open with their true feelings and so I’m, you know, not afraid to be like are you on medication, because then that like opens up a whole new conversation that I never would have had and like, you know, this person could never have had this conversation before and been wanting to have it and like, relate to somebody else knowing that they have the same problem as you I think helps a lot, like, to know that it’s not just you going through it.

Yeah.

Because there’s a lot of people, you know, even if it’s like an obscure problem or an obscure issue you’re having, it’s like you’re surprised how many people have a relatable situation to it that can help you out.

Like, hygiene, eating properly, you know like healthy and regularly, which I’m still working on but I mean like, I just pretty much checked out on like all those things. I mean every, I don’t know, I was just like unable to take care of responsibilities and then that just kind of like snowballed out of factor to the point where it was like you wake up in the morning and it’s like I don’t know what. No, this is not happening just…

Was I was treating myself like crap, like every thought I had about myself in my head was a negative thought. I didn’t exercise at all didn’t, rarely ate. I mean I ate a meal a day maybe and it was, you know, not that you know, full of nutrients or that good. Like, yeah, just didn’t believe that like anything was possible like, my room looked like crap my bed was never made.

having a job, even like a crappy one. I kind of tire from jobs really quickly, but I mean I started working and it was like even after you know like, being on medication for six months and like doing really good, like feeling, feeling better I mean, got a job. The one thing I started working on was like just instant like overnight just like double how I felt about myself. Even, and it wasn’t anything in particular, you know, it was [Name]. I wasn’t like, you know, hey I’m going to go be a sales associate at [Name]. It was just like, leaving your house every day. Like, coming home after working four hours, having money that you actually earned that you know, you didn’t get from the government or your parents, like.

Yeah.

It helps a lot, but yeah. Friends and like some sort of like, even if it’s like three hours a day. Some sort of work or something.

I think, are at least for me, have been the most helpful in getting out of that rut.

Yeah, I mean, it must have been pretty bad because we do not live in the same city. And so they were just hearing it over the phone. I think that just, you know, through the years of like conversations like at some point I’m just like, yeah. Yep. Ok. And yeah, like I think my dad was the first person to mention something and it was like, you sound miserable. You sound horrible and I was like, nah, whatever. And it was like, yeah a couple of conversations he kept bringing it up and I was like, at one point I was like, “damn!,” I mean, it’s not even like misery it’s like I’m just, there’s nothing and like there, like. There’s just nothing to care about.

and then I went up and saw all of them for like, some Halloween thing. I don’t know. It, I had a discussion about it and it just seemed like a good idea and it was nice to see that I actually like had family support on this and it just seemed like, you know, I was like if I talked to somebody and this didn’t seem like it was a good idea, it’s like I could always quit at any point and I don’t know, just lack of options. It was like, yeah. Like I said earlier, it was like anything is better than this. Even like a, like even feeling like worse or bad or worse in a different way, like anything would have been better than just like, I don’t know. Like, nothing but like an annoying or I don’t know, like. You’ve got, like the most uncomfortable nothing.

Yeah. How did you, in the midst of that nothingness actually get yourself to make that first move and look up that?

Well I mean I was, keeping in touch with my family helped a lot.

I do think that there’s a tendency for depression in my family but at the same time, I don’t think like, that’s enough just to get it. Like I feel like that there’s a lot more going on that just that your family has it, like you might be hardwired where you’re susceptible to it but unless like, the conditions kind of arise or you know, like me, you just let the conditions arise. Then I, yeah, I don’t really see that happening. Like I don’t feel like I would have a kid or be worried about having a kid that just like, you know, for no reasons is like, depressed. Because I mean, I don’t know. Even for people with like really hardcore depression, I feel like there’s like a reason for it and I didn’t believe that at first because like, when I was doing mild amounts of like depression research like, people were asking why are you depressed. And it’s like, people don’t have reasons for being depressed, you’re just depressed and it’s like really. Like, because if you can get over it, then wouldn’t there be a reason for that, like. And yeah, looking back it’s like ok yeah, I definitely had some reasons. Of course you would be depressed if you didn’t do anything all day for, besides like going to some job you hated, like, and spend the rest of your time like, drinking in your room, like. How else could that have gone.

because you’re in this like mindset, you just see you know like a dead field, you know, with a bunch of like flowers like wilted and nobody there and so, I don’t know. It’s less, I’m not like that religious but I do feel like your mind like, your, whatever is going on in your mind does like almost like change the world around you and in some profound ways. Yeah, so I guess that was kind of how I looked at it or it was like do you just want to stare at dead fields or do you want to like see, you know like, an awesome forest with a bunch of people running around, having a good time.