And then the next day it hit, actually. When I say hit, it wasn’t dramatic, it was sort of insidious pain that went into my legs which was really, it got quite bad. Over the next 3 days I was in a lot of pain in my legs, I just couldt get them comfortable, I couldt bear things to be on them, I couldt, I couldt fold them, I couldt sit with my legs tucked under me. I just had to be straight out, lying, I had no painkillers either that could combat the pain of it, though the angels on the other end of the phone faxed me a prescription for some heavy duty drugs which I then got from, which helped a little bit. But it wore off of it’s own accord after 3 days.

The leg problem always happens and that’s really the worst of chemotherapy for me, apart from the tiredness, which is overwhelming. I cat stay awake, I can, I think I can probably fall asleep on one leg now. And that lasts for about 10 days, but the leg pain is the worst, and then the numbness in the feet. I, after the fourth chemo I got it in the fingers which I think doest happen to everyone. They, they get fingers and feet simultaneously but me, I just got it in the feet and my toes have been kind of numb for about 3 months now. Which is not, it’s not painful in any way it’s just mildly inconvenient. I kind of occasionally trip on the pavement but I havet fallen over.

The only thing I would say is that if you don’t know what questions to ask, you wot get the answers. And it’s taken me quite a long time to work out what questions to ask, and so if I have any criticisms to make at all, it’s that they just don’t give it to you straight. You know, they wait for you to ask, and I can see that, or I know that some people don’t want to know everything, or everybody comes to things in their own time and stuff. But that’s been a bit frustrating for me, this kind of crawling towards understanding my disease;;

Other people have kind of suggested that I investigate alternative therapies and things, and I know that I could. theres this book here, is itMy Journe by Brandon Bays. She rejects all treatment and decides to get rid of her own tumour by positive mental attitude and raw food and, and she does it, you know, and fantastic, good for her. I just am not that person, I cat do that. I couldt not go down the chemotherapy route, I just couldt do it to my family really, because I know it’s the medical model, but I actually believe that it’s the only, it’s the only way that I can go;;

I knew nothing at all about chemotherapy except that it’s this awful thing. I hadt got a clue what it meant, I didn’t know how you had it, what it was. Whether you lay down or, you know, what happened to you. Nothing, nothing at all. So you know, only very negative things about it, that it’s just this awful thing and, you know, you feel awful and you lose your hair;;

But what I do find hard is losing my eyebrows and my eyelashes because, I look so peculiar to myself. I don’t like what I look like in the mirror. I havet, I know that there are places you can go, theres a place calledLook Good, Feel Bette, I think. theres one that’s not too far away and I’ve considered going there but I’m slightly resistant to painting my face;

I wear very light makeup normally and but I don’t know, I don’t want to paint on eyebrows and things. So yes, I find it quite hard. I feel a little bit reclusive, I feel, you know, I know that everybody, everybods just been overwhelmingly loving to me since I was diagnosed. In my work, in my family and my friends and everyone, and I know that, you know, theres, nothing to be ashamed of to, or anything but I, I just I’m keeping myself to myself a little bit since I’ve lost my eyebrows.