Women’s experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse
Sexual violence and abuse
Of all the different types of abuse which may be part of domestic violence, women find this aspect the most difficult to talk about, not helped by the fact that until 1986 rape within marriage wasn’t recognised as a crime in England and Wales. For many victims of abuse it is very difficult to refuse sexual contact since this might lead to negative consequences.
Women we talked to had experienced rape and other forms of unwanted sexual behaviour, as well as name-calling. Linda’s partner called her ugly and ‘awful’ to have sex with, taunting her with his new lover. Shaina’s partner made her take her contraceptive implant out. In contrast, Charlotte’s partner withdrew all closeness and intimacy including sex and was furious at her for suggesting sex.
Sex: men see it as their ‘right’ and the woman’s ‘duty’
All the women we interviewed described elements of sexual abuse or violence in their relationship. They said their partners demanded sex when they, themselves, did not want it. Sophie realised that she was merely a ‘service provider’ in their relationship. Kate said:
‘He didn’t understand why he couldn’t touch me and handle me in any way he wanted … [but] I had no right to impact on his life.’
Many women, like Sarah, Lolita and Sara talked about being ‘coerced into sex’. Lolita’s partner said that as she was his girlfriend, he should be able to have sex with her if he wanted to. Lolita knew that non-consensual sex was rape but she did not challenge her partner as she held on to the hope that he might one again ‘become the person that [she] fell in love with’. Sara felt constantly pressurised in her marriage by her husband’s daily sexual demands, even during pregnancy. She tried to negotiate a compromise, as he became ‘stroppy’ to her and the kids if he didn’t have regular sex, and threatened to leave. She began to feel inadequate when her husband said her lack of interest in sex meant that she did not love him enough. When women were not keen on having sex, men verbally abused them, calling them either ‘frigid’ or a ‘slag, a ‘whore’. They often falsely interpreted a lack of interest in sex as evidence that the woman was having an affair. This led them to become even more controlling and violent.
Some women described being regularly raped, sometimes violently. Several women woke to find their partner penetrating them without their consent. Many women said they complied with their partner’s sexual demands to avoid further abuse. Melanie said, looking back, there had been ‘a lot of raping’. Forceful, aggressive sex became the norm and she ‘learned to go onto auto-pilot’. She said there was no love involved, her partner blatantly telling her ‘it’s not about pleasing you, it’s about you pleasing me’. She believed it was ‘normal’. , like many women, talked about being forced to have sex after clearly saying she did not want it but did not realise it constituted rape. Ella’s image of rape was being attacked ‘in a dark alley by someone you don’t know’. Women also talked about some professionals who did not believe that ‘rape’ could happen within a marriage, and did not provide appropriate support. Lindsay was anally raped on her wedding night. Sex for favours
Sex was used as a form of control (see ‘Coercive Controlling Behaviour’). Some women had to ‘pay’ for the right to go out of the house, to buy food for their children, or to fill the car with petrol to get to work, by first having sex. Victoria’s ex said her would only give her child maintenance payments if she slept with him, making her feel like ‘a prostitute’. Yasmin and Ella both described having to perform oral sex in a car park before they were allowed to go and buy groceries or pay for petrol to get to work.