Did you have a special gravestone or plaque made for her?

We’ve got a lovely headstone and it’s got a little angel, sat like that, which is really nice, lovely words, beautiful words, and we’ve recently had a bird bath made with some lovely words on and put in the church grounds where my Mum used to go. So that’s nice.

How did you plan all that? Did, did somebody help you choose the stone, or the wording or the inscription?

The funeral director brought round some pictures so that you could look at like different headstones, different colours, and sizes and shapes and different types of stone, and also you can look at all the script to see which style of writing you like. And it’s quite hard actually because you want, you want it to be perfect and you want to choose exactly the right thing. But I quite enjoyed doing the words. I came up with the words, and you know cleared it with my sister and my dad to make sure they were happy, and yes.

So then do you ask the funeral director to organise that, or do you get in touch with the person that’s making it directly?

They do it. They gave, there’s a stone mason local, which is up the road, and they sort of liaise between themselves.

The funeral director does?

Yes, and the stone masons, but they’re very good.

We’ve got a bench for Kevin. We, what we did is we felt that because we cremated him and because we scattered his ashes I didn’t want the Downs where we went to be a mourning place. I wanted a place that we’ve always been to and we always will do and when we went back there we were going for walks and obviously we’d probably particularly think of Kevin then. But we needed something more solid and because I’d chosen not to have him buried and I didn’t want, I didn’t want a place that I felt that I could never move.

So if we had him buried where we live I felt I would never be able to leave this. But I look at this place now, that it is a place where I’ve lost my son and that, that in time we’ll more than likely move away from hereAnd felt that I wouldn’t be able to do that if he was buried here.And I would have had tremendous guilt on up keeping his grave and that if ever over the years I let it go
ut that would be on my behalf something that I’d failed and that I didn’t care for him any more. So we had a bench put in one of our local parks
it’s a really good idea.

nd we had a name thing put on it. But not, not with a date that he died, or anything like that, just his name and In loving memory’, ad for us to sit on and anybody else that chooses to sit on as they go by. And it’s in a lovely part and it’s overlooking a lake and it’s right up high so you overlook everything and
And could you move that if you wanted to?

No, that’s there. That’s, that’s, that’s part of the parks Trust now. But of course if I moved I’d just, if I felt the need to do it, I would do a bench in, in a new area.

But my hallway, we’ve dedicated to Kev. So because he was young we managed to get some professional graffiti artists in and we, they basically spray-painted my hallway with all aspects of Kevin’s life and, and plus a, a sort of six foot wall of his face and we come to that every day. But I have another daughter who hasn’t been able to live here since he’s died because that’s all too much for her. And my youngest daughter lives away from home now. So I just have my son here.

And that’s kind of our way of, of dealing with it. And the other thing that I did that might work for some people and might not is because I believe this birth and death is constant and you’re, you’re constantly, you know, rebirthing and dying I went and bought a couple of really beautiful rose bushes.

But I went for their smell. I didn’t care what the title was, what, what they were named but it was really important that I had the smell. And I bought two, and I bought two beautiful pots. And they’re on my patio so that wherever I go now
That’s a lovely idea.

I take my flowers and I watch them die and rebirth and die but it’s the same plant and that shows me that the actual essence is still there. It dies and re-grows and dies and re-grows and, and I’ve actually taken this time, because it’s, it’s the first rose if you like that’s come to the end of its cycle, a year after. And I’ve pressed the last one
I’ve pressed. And, and I just think that that’s great because in the summer you sit out there and you have the smell, and that reminds me of Kev.

I’ve got online memorial sites for them, which I find very helpful, although distressing when people don’t write something on there or light a virtual candle. I think they’re forgetting them.

Is that on a particular site, like Gone too soon’?

Yes.

Or something like that?

they’re on Gone too soon’ but they’re also on Memory of dot com. And that’s, that’s nice, you know. My mum and I are the ones mainly who post on there
But every now and then some, for example my friends on their birthdays there’ll be a candle from them. And that means a lot. It is my horror that my kids will be forgotten.

Have you got any other memorial?You’ve got the online memorials.Did you have any memorial, at the churchyard?

Oh, at the school they, they attend, well, one attended and the other one was due to attend, they asked the kids what they wanted to do and they’ve they decided on the Rainbow Garden.

Oh.

So the theme is rainbow, butterflies and sunflowers.

And the kids have designed the garden, we’ve raised loads of money for it. And it’s going to be an outdoor teaching area for them.it’s also a, a place for them to go and remember. And the kids do remember.

That’s really nice.

You know, whenever I got here they’re all over me. They did a lovely service for them.

It was heartbreaking to see the, how much the kids were affectednbsp;

You mentioned memorials; you’ve got this wood, wood, where trees have been planted.

Yes.

Is there a plaque there or anything?

Yes, there’s a small plaque there, and there’s a bench I think it’s you know somewhere peaceful that people can go if they want to. Quiet. And there’s also one in London on Horse Guards Road, which I was very closely involved with, with other people, because I’m a surveyor and the other people were architects, so we negotiated long and hard with heaven knows how many people. I mean I was going down to London twice a week probably for two years and we’ve got a beautiful memorial in probably one of the most prime sites in London, paid for by the Foreign Office.

Would you like to describe it, because I haven’t seen it?

it’s beautiful. it’s right outside the Foreign Office, at the bottom of Clive Steps, it’s on Horse Guards Road between St. James’ Park and the Foreign Office, it’s right between the Treasury and the Foreign Office and next door to the rear entrance to Downing Street, right by Horse Guards Parade. It is a curved wall, with, in the middle of the top, it describes what happened, and where and when. Underneath that in larger carving it’s got all the British citizens names, and then either side flanked is the name of every single other person who died, and in the middle of that, if you imagine that the curved wall is a quarter of a circle, imagine completing the circle and then the middle of the circle there’s a huge granite globe, a round ball that just sort of sits on the ground like it’s kissing the ground, and it’s got 202 doves carved into it.

How lovely.

Each one is different and hand carved and each one represents one person who died. So it is a beautiful, and I’ve been there several times, and every time I have been there, there have been people stopping and looking and reading it, and so you think to yourself well that was worth all the effort and
I shall go and try and find it.

Oh it is, it is very moving and it’s in the most incredibly prestigious location, and perhaps that was my little project that sort of kept me sort of focused on things, in the aftermath, but you know we were dealing with the Foreign Office, the DCMS, Tessa Jowell we were dealing with, any other Government Department you can think of, and how many quangos are there in London? I don’t know. But you know quite apart from the, quite apart from the planning issues which were huge, we had to, we had to consult with I think 43 different interested parties.

And then you said there’s going to be a memorial for everybody involved?

Yes there is, but perhaps we can talk about something else I found really good which is, I thought personally we’ve got to do something to mark his life for him and what his employers did, they suggested it, not me, the Chief Executive and the Chairman suggested that they had an award in memory of him, which is to enable other young analysts to do research into health care basically, and that’s what’s happened, so since 2006 there’s been annual awards, with quite a generous amount of money to young people who work for that organization.

They do with research and I’m on the selection panel for it and so is one of James’ friends who happens to be a solicitor and I think they’ve done some amazing research projects and they’ve been given an opportunity to do something they wouldn’t have been able to do before and it’s in his memory and it’s on the website so that’s lovely. And also last year the university and my family between us are donating an annual prize in memory of James to the person who does best on one of the university courses called Islam and the West, which when I read about it I thought this is just the right thing to do.

What about the Book of Remembrance is that. Where is that kept?

it’s kept in St Ethelburga’s which is in the City of London and the idea was and the people who organised that, they wrote to all the bereaved and asked them if they wanted to contribute something about the particular person, and I did and that’s another thing I found very therapeutic, I found it wonderful to write about James actually, in an honest kind of way. We all had to provide some photographs and things. it’s a fitting memorial, in fact it was very interesting because it’s also in the Museum of London and I have, I went to dinner with the Director of the Museum of London about six months ago and it was, it’s actually on display in a main area of the Museum of London and it’s being looked at so often, it’s tatty and that’s kind of, you know, really tatty, you know, and you think that’s pretty, you know, at least people are, the fact it’s in the Museum of London is fantastic because that’s in a way the heart of the history of London and I think it is part of the history of London now so it’s great that it’s in there. I must say that was one of the things I really wanted to do and thought it was really valuable to do it and it made me feel, writing about James, made me feel, yes it was good for me I think.

Did you have a sort of special ceremony in the church?

Yes we did, we had a dedication ceremony for it which was, I mean it was nondenominational, it was really just, yes I mean it was just a fairly simple ceremony with some, you know, words basically.

Has it been moved to the Museum of London permanently?

No, they’re just copies basically, they’re the copies in the Museum of London and the main copy is in St Ethelburga’s and will be permanently because it’s the Centre of Reconciliation, which I think is very appropriate actually, it’s a nice place to go, very quiet.

Can you look at it in the church as well or is that behind glass?

I think, I haven’t been in there recently, I think it may be in a cabinet, I can’t remember.