Interview 05
Age at interview: 40
Brief Outline: Had pneumonia and severe sepsis. Was in intensive care for 22 days, the High Dependency Unit for 10 days and just over a week on a general ward.
Background: Occupation: housing officer. Marital status: married. Number of children: 2. Ethnic background: White British.
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Everything was done for her by nurses because she was too weak to move.
Everything was done for her by nurses because she was too weak to move.
She froze when she saw a nurse because it reminded her of being in ICU.
She froze when she saw a nurse because it reminded her of being in ICU.
And it took you back to the time when...?
Yeah, flashed me back to it, and I thought, is she one of the nurses? There was that many of them. There was just loads of nurses, they have one-to-one nursing in intensive care but you're seeing three a day. I was like, "Was she one of them?" but I know they wear that uniform throughout the hospital like the blue theatre things, but that's basically it really.
She found it difficult to hold a pen and felt frustrated because her writing was unintelligible ...
She found it difficult to hold a pen and felt frustrated because her writing was unintelligible ...
I couldn't even really, could barely lift a pen up to write on the pad and then the writing was just, it wasn't even writing, it was just marks on the pad. I thought I was writing stuff, and I thought that my writing was okay and I was frustrated with people when they were like, I'd write something and they'd all look at each other and they were like...
She was hallucinating when she came round and felt terrified of the nurses (she had pneumonia and...
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She was hallucinating when she came round and felt terrified of the nurses (she had pneumonia and...
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And oh awful things, and I remember looking at the nurses station where they were all sitting, and they were talking about shopping and things, I mean it was a Sunday afternoon. But I was imagining they were saying, to this nurse, "You're new, the people here, most of them are barmy and they'll ask you to pass notes to people outside but don't do that." And I was thinking, how am I gonna get out? How am I gonna? I can't move, they've got me drugged up so I can't move, I can't speak, how am I gonna get out? And they kept on saying to me, "Your husband's coming in, your husband's coming in". And I was thinking, oh yeah right, I know he's not, I know he's not.
She was hallucinating and pulled out one of the tubes because she thought it was something on her...
She was hallucinating and pulled out one of the tubes because she thought it was something on her...
So I started picking at it and picking at it, and I managed to pull off what I thought was this cat's nose. When the nurse looked up she nearly had a coronary herself. I had picked off, I had a tube up my nose into it, and it was taped to the end of my nose, and I pulled it off. I'd pulled the tube straight out, pulled the tube out but pulled a drip out of my arm. Blood was going everywhere and she wasn't watching me and when she'd seen, she had got a fright and were like fussing, but she was telling me off as well at the same time. I just really thought she was gonna kill me, I just, I did, I thought she was gonna kill me.
Her husband made the difficult decision of consenting to her having a new drug.
Her husband made the difficult decision of consenting to her having a new drug.
So [my husband] was like really upset and he was saying to my sister, "I don't know what to do now because they're asking me to make a life choice for her, do I just like let her like try and fight now, she's not responding." They've given me three lots of antibiotics, they kept on saying, "She's not responding." And then he said, "Before they said about the Sepsis." They said, "She's not responded to three lots of antibiotics. We think the pneumonia might be secondary, there might be something else and we're going to give her a cat scan."
So my sister and [my husband] were like, "Do that." So they come back and said, "We can't find anything else, she's showing signs of Severe Sepsis". So [my husband] was like, I could say yes to this and she could be dead, 'cause it could cause a haemorrhage or something." So [my sister] said, "You've gotta give her a chance now because she's damned if you do and damned if you don't, so you've gotta give her that chance now." So [my husband] was like really upset and couldn't cope with it all and he signed the consent form, he said, "Yeah, give her the Xigris." So that went on for a few days, but I just didn't like really do much, I mean I didn't have an internal bleed or anything but it did stop it like spreading a bit.
Her hallucinations started wearing off in HDU but she felt bored because she was unable to do...
Her hallucinations started wearing off in HDU but she felt bored because she was unable to do...
So there was like, long periods of being lucid and watching people and understanding what was going on and I had periods of just like everything just being madness again. But I couldn't like think to myself while I was in the madness, "I'm in madness, this isn't real", it was real to me.
So that was still going on in the High Dependency Unit?
Yeah, at first yeah.
How long were you there?
Ten days.
Ten days, so when did it start kind of...?
It started easing off after, probably after four or five days started to ease off and I started being able to go to sleep. I mean I wasn't sleeping for long because it's just so boring in there. I couldn't move, I couldn't do a single thing, they were still washing me, I wasn't eating anything, I was on a drip for fluids. So basically they were just like washing me and like just leaving me lying on this bed. And they were doing the drugs and all things like that. So I wasn't tired and I was like, I was just watching and watching. And they would say to me of a night, "Go to sleep." But you just can't sleep. I'd sleep like for an hour and then wake up and then I'd be awake at four o'clock waiting for the clock to tick round to eight so they'd change shift and all stuff like that.
She talks about the physiotherapy she had - in ICU, HDU and then on a general ward - until she...
She talks about the physiotherapy she had - in ICU, HDU and then on a general ward - until she...
Yeah. How long were you on the ward, on the general ward?
About a week.
About a week. And then they said you could go home?
Yeah.
She felt emotional when she saw her children perform in a play because she might not have been...
She felt emotional when she saw her children perform in a play because she might not have been...
Like the children did a church service, I can't even remember what it was for. They have that many church things, and I went to see it and I was like watching them, the littlest one was singing at the front of the church and the oldest one was sitting further behind me. And I was waving to him. And it just dawned on me, I could be dead and then who'd be here looking at this? I mean who would? I mean I know [my husband] would look after them and everything but, if I'd died what would happen? And I got it all like, in the church, and one of the Mum's that we didn't know who was sitting next to me, she just said to me, "Oh look at you all tearful." She said, "I'm like that when they're on stage." And I thought, I'm not even bothered that he's on the stage, I'm just thinking like, God if I'd have died. And sometimes when I'm watching them, I think, if I'd have died, I've said to my husband, if I'd died back in the beginning of November, we're that far down the line, the littlest one, he would probably hardly remember me now. He probably wouldn't remember what I looked like, he would not remember anything about me really. The older one might have like a few memories of me, but when they get to teenagers, the littlest one, [son's name], he would not remember me at all 'cause he's only four now. And the oldest one he'd just like have vague memories. That bothers me, it bothers me about getting sick again.
She learned more about her ICU experience by talking to her sister, and about her husband's...
She learned more about her ICU experience by talking to her sister, and about her husband's...
Her younger son was a lot quieter than normal at school and the older one wanted to help her,...
Her younger son was a lot quieter than normal at school and the older one wanted to help her,...
Yeah, they both knew. And because [my husband] was like visiting me in hospital so much and he was trying to work during the day, they were more or less living with his parents. And they were home of a weekend, but staying there. And then the oldest one, he would have a few like little tears, and I think he swung it a bit in school, "My Mum's in hospital and'" Well the whole school knew I was in hospital and how ill I was. It was like fame when I came out. And the little one, his teacher said to me, "You wouldn't know anything was wrong, he was just so sensible." She said, "He was quieter and he wasn't as smiley, but he was just really good." And he always wanted to visit me in hospital but the older one was more, "I want my Mum to come home but I want her to be back to how she was." He couldn't really deal with me being ill and he was like, but I would come up the stairs and leave the walking stick up the top of the stairs so I'd know where it was when I'd come to getting it. Well he would come upstairs and move it to like lean on the bed, so I'd go to get out of bed and fall over it. So he was always like trying to look after me, was drying my back and drying my legs when I got out the shower and stuff 'cause I couldn't really, so he was like trying to be helpful but it did upset him.
She wants to go back to work but is worried she won't be able to cope with the pace, the stress...
She wants to go back to work but is worried she won't be able to cope with the pace, the stress...
Yeah, is there anything you could do at home or it's not that kind of work?
No. It's mainly visiting people and being out and stuff so. It's a lot of, it's a lot of getting round, I work as a Housing Officer for a Housing Trust. And so it's a lot of like going to people's houses, or go in flats and up and down the stairs and stuff. So you're out, in out of your car, like twenty visits a day. I just don't think I could do that right now.
Sounds like quite a lot?
It's quite physical and it's about being on the ball as well 'cause you're dealing with people who, you're not seeing anyone for anything happy or good or for them to say this is great. They all want to moan about something. So they all want you to sort something out, so it's quite stressful in that way, but I wanna be back, I just don't wanna rush back.
She advises people to talk about their experiences, and relatives to tell them what happened...
She advises people to talk about their experiences, and relatives to tell them what happened...
That's really, really helpful, is there anything you would want to say to family members?
Really it's just like talking through things, go and tell the people how things really were. I mean just, exactly as they were.
Just really listen and tell them things, tell them what was going on while they were intensive care because really you don't have a very good perspective of it. When you're the patient you don't really, you don't comprehend things exactly as they are. Everything's very strange so you need your head putting straight on things and I felt as well like I was moved around in intensive care, that I was all here, there and everywhere. I said that to my sister and she said, "You weren't, you were in the same place." I always felt like I was, that they were pushing you round in the bed. She said, "You were never moved, you were always in bed four." So I think families should tell the people really the truth of what's happened and just, the more information, the easier things are to deal with.