Having a sibling on the autism spectrum
Relationship with sibling
People described their relationships with their siblings. They talked about emotional and practical sides to their relationships and how these changed over time. People found similarities to typical sibling relationships, but also considerable differences, such as the level of responsibility they felt for their sibling.
“It’s like a normal brother and sister thing really, but without the speech”
Several people said that they had typical sibling relationships. Their sibling could annoy them to bits, but they were also very close. Many acknowledged that while their relationship is different in many ways than other sibling relationships, it was “normal” to them. Their sibling’s behaviour could be unusual or unpredictable but they had grown up with them and so “had to get on with it”.
Graham is pleased to have a close relationship with his brother; unlike a lot of his friends.
Graham is pleased to have a close relationship with his brother; unlike a lot of his friends.
Well what, through my whole life really? I don’t really know where to start. There’s been a lot of good and bad times I’d say. It’s something that I wouldn’t want to change if I could go back and change and have a different brother as such. But yes, I mean being with Richy is amazing, I think, it’s a different experience to what you can get normally as having a brother. It’s... because he’s just constantly there, he almost needs your help, so he’s very reliant on you. It really means that you build a strong relationship I’d say. When my parents go away, as in, my Grandma wouldn’t really like looking after him without me being there, for example. So again, growing up with him, I know him kind of in and out in that sense. I know exactly how to wind him up when I want to and how to calm him down when he needs to calm down and things so...So that’s been a nice thing I’d say, where I know that a lot of people don’t, a lot of my friends don’t have a good relationships at all with their brother. Even though they can still go down the pub and have a drink. I’d say, I mean I can’t, well maybe more so recently it’s been possible to do that, but I haven’t been able to grow up and share certain things with him, like talking about girls and that, but at the same time we’ve been able to have different kind of relationship experiences together, which I think is just as important in certain ways.
Eloise thinks most big sisters find their younger brother a pain, but she couldnt understand why...
Eloise thinks most big sisters find their younger brother a pain, but she couldnt understand why...
In terms of spending time with their siblings, people talked about different things including “just hanging out”, eating, tickling, playing computer games and going shopping together. Some younger siblings were in residential schools and a few people found visiting them there “a bit upsetting”. They preferred their sibling to come home.
Steph is very close to her brother, who has profound autism and a language disorder, and enjoys...
Steph is very close to her brother, who has profound autism and a language disorder, and enjoys...
Yeah, we’re really close. We tend to go out together on a Saturday. So after this interview we’re going out to [city name] for the day, and we, I think we have quite a normal brother-sister relationship, even though James does have quite profound autism and does have a language disorder as well. You know, we do things like go shopping together, we choose his clothes sometimes. We go out for a takeaway; we go to a restaurant and that kind of thing. We can’t do the things that he doesn’t like to do because of his autism, but yeah, we have a fairly normal, I would say, brother-sister relationship.
“I always lend my mum a hand babysitting, or getting him out and about”
Most people took on considerable responsibility for their siblings when they were growing up. Most talked about looking after them, or protecting them at school. Some helped their parents by stepping in and supporting their sibling, or by not making a fuss if something wasn’t going right for them. Many described a unique relationship with their sibling and were able to interact with them in a way that many other people couldn’t. For example, some had developed their own form of sign language, or had found particular ways of diffusing tensions, such as playing pool or watching films together. A few talked about “pushing the boundaries” with their sibling and encouraging them to do new things. This included going out to different places, encouraging them to extend the range of music they listened too, or the television programmes they watched.
Steph has made sure that her relationship with her brother has changed as hes grown older. She...
Steph has made sure that her relationship with her brother has changed as hes grown older. She...
“It was almost as though I didn’t feel connected to him as a brother”
While some people said they were very close to their siblings, a few had very different experiences. They felt very distant from them and, as one person said, fought or avoided them. This was sometimes because the sibling was in a residential school or home and so their lives were not closely intertwined. One young woman said that she had become less accepting of her brother’s strangeness as she grew older and she was glad she would be able to leave home at some point. A few other people said they left home quite young “which says quite a lot”.
Lucy sometimes gets on with her brother but they generally just avoid each other.
Lucy sometimes gets on with her brother but they generally just avoid each other.
“I haven’t been able to grow up and share certain things with him”
The biggest difference from many sibling relationships was that the relationship was one way; people were not able to share their feelings, confidences, worries or concerns with their sibling. This was because their siblings were only interested in specific things relating to their own interests, had not grasped the skills of social interaction, or were not able to communicate effectively with them. Several said that their siblings could be affectionate and loving, but not able or willing to interact with them in a way they would have liked. As one woman said, “I don’t get a, ‘Hi! How are you?’ He never, never asks about me at all, which hurts. Like, even though I know how it is, it still rankles”. Those people with only one sibling felt this more keenly. For example, one young woman said she was never really sure what to say if anyone asked her if she had brothers and sisters.
Graham feels like an only child in some respects and misses out on not being able to talk to his...
Graham feels like an only child in some respects and misses out on not being able to talk to his...
Well that’s the one thing that I think I miss not having a normal brother where I can’t talk to him about any problems I have. Which I know like which is nice that, like my ex-girlfriend like is really good friends with her sister. They would go out together and they would like always talk to each other first if there was any issues and stuff. And that’s the one thing I do really think that I missed out on. In that sense though, I feel like an only child in certain aspects, when it’s like, when people talk about having brothers and sisters and I will say, “Well I’ve got an autistic brother.” And it’s kind of like a half way relationship where there’s like half of having a brother I’ve missed out on, but there’s still the other half that’s fine. But as I said before there’s lots that’s made up for it and I wouldn’t change it. But that would be the one difficult thing.
Eloises brother has learnt to sometimes ask if shes had a good day, but he couldnt deal with...
Eloises brother has learnt to sometimes ask if shes had a good day, but he couldnt deal with...
For some things. He’ll... it depends, it does depend quite a lot on whether or not he’s, say I’ve come in, I’ve come in from school and he’s been at home longer, and if he’s had a good day he’s more likely to come up to me and say, “How was your day?” Because he’s knows that’s a kind of what you do, but if he’s had a bad day, he doesn’t remember kind of, he’s got quite, I don’t know he’s not always like this, because he does talk about quite random things, like he’ll suddenly ask you about factual things, completely out of the blue. It’s not been on the telly, it’s not been on the radio. You don’t know where it’s come from, but he does have quite a lot of structures that he sticks to, like you come in from college and he’ll ask you how your day was, if he’s, if he’s had a good day, if he’s not, if he remembers and he has the structure of ‘how are you?’. ‘I’m good. How are you?’ He has, he, I mean obviously everyone has, has structures like that, but he seems to stick to it, and if I was to say to him, “No I’ve had a really bad day” and get upset, he wouldn’t, I don’t think he would know how to deal with that, because that’s not the pattern for that conversation.
Anne said she had to play both roles when playing adventures with her brother.
Anne said she had to play both roles when playing adventures with her brother.
Lucy says she misses out on having an older brother and feels that she is the older sibling.
Lucy says she misses out on having an older brother and feels that she is the older sibling.
“I used to think “Why can’t he be like one of my mates?”
The difficulties some people experienced growing up often revolved around particular behaviours by their siblings. Some people reflected on embarrassing situations they had experienced in public places with their siblings. For example, one brother had a pathological hatred of Dora the Explorer which could cause some awkward encounters with children when he was out. A few were destructive and could break people’s possessions which they found upsetting or annoying. A few of the siblings could be aggressive or violent when they were distressed. One person recalled how, when she hugged her brother recently, he “bit her neck like a vampire”. She likened living with him to “living with a time bomb without a timer”. A few siblings were territorial over space and wouldn't let anyone else in the living room (see ‘Organising family life’).
A few felt they hated their sibling sometimes when they were growing up. They felt frustrated or distant from their sibling, though these feelings could cause them to feel guilty.
Ellie can remember hating her brother at times, not because hes autistic, but because he wasnt...
Ellie can remember hating her brother at times, not because hes autistic, but because he wasnt...
I guess there’s always been times where I’ve, it sounds horrible but I have hated him. Not because he’s autistic, but because he wasn’t normal. I have rarely ever thought that, but it was when there was a lot of people in our house. I just regretted that he was like it. Then I’ve got more used to it, and just more accepting that he’s not going to change very much, but the more he learns, the more he’s going to be able to do different things, and the more he enjoys, like he never used to be able to go to the cinema, because he used to get scared of the dark. Now he absolutely loves it, and it’s really nice just to take him to that. But there’s times when he has got really angry, and he has lashed out bitten me before, and I had to go hospital because he broke my skin and there’s like, there’s lots of different things that have made me, just want him to be a bit different, but I’ve never stopped ever like loving him as like my brother.
In terms of now, many people were in very different situations with their siblings. Some people were at college or working abroad, and so didn’t see them as often. This suited some people but not others. Others were still living at home with their sibling, and a few older people saw their siblings less frequently, as they were settled in independent supported living.
Anne talks to her brother regularly on the telephone and he sometimes sends her flowers on Mother...
Anne talks to her brother regularly on the telephone and he sometimes sends her flowers on Mother...
Graham doesnt like the fact that chunks of his brothers life are not known to him, now he works...
Graham doesnt like the fact that chunks of his brothers life are not known to him, now he works...
Last reviewed August 2018.