Having a sibling on the autism spectrum
Friendships
Friendships are valuable relationships as they provide companionship, recreation, help and guidance, and can help to counteract the stresses of life. Some people we spoke with said that having a sibling with ASD had complicated their friendships. Others explained that they had very supportive friends; in one case the friends were imaginary for several years.
Jenni had a ridiculous number of imaginary friends growing up, none of whom were human.
Jenni had a ridiculous number of imaginary friends growing up, none of whom were human.
Several people told their friends that their sibling was on the autism spectrum. For the most part it seemed that they simply wanted to share information about their lives with their friends. However, one felt he should explain it because he feared his friends would be “put off by it”. Another told them in order to protect her brother, who was sensitive to the reactions of others. Some chose to explain it in more detail than others. A couple said that they would “mention it”, but that it was not something that “comes up in conversation”, whilst some others explained to their friends exactly what their sibling was like.
Marti explained her brothers autism to friends who were coming to visit her at home.
Marti explained her brothers autism to friends who were coming to visit her at home.
Ellie found that others were accepting of her brother's autism if she was.

Ellie found that others were accepting of her brother's autism if she was.
In general, people said that their friends were supportive and understanding. As one person said, “no one really thought anything different of it”. However, some said that their friends didn't understand the severity of their siblings’ autistic spectrum disorders (ASD). For one person, this was particularly difficult to manage because her brother didn't want her to discuss it with anybody. Another person found it tough when her friends asked her questions about her brother. She felt that they wanted to know how her life was different but, for her, life with a sibling on the spectrum was normal and she didn't want people to “feel sorry” for her.
Amys friends are good with her brother. His diagnosis did not bother any of them.
Amys friends are good with her brother. His diagnosis did not bother any of them.
Katherines friends think she is wrong and cruel in her descriptions of her brother, but they...
Katherines friends think she is wrong and cruel in her descriptions of her brother, but they...
Oh they’re really confused because when I describe him they, they think I’m wrong, I’m being cruel speaking of him how I describe him. And I have to explain that whenever they see him or they’re invited into the house, they see him when he’s happy and friendly. They don’t see the stranger sides because it would be cruel to have them around. So they don’t really understand properly where I’m coming from. Occasionally, as I said, I’ve got a very close friend who knows everything. Occasionally he gets a snippet of my brother’s strangeness. Years and years ago it was cold one night and we went to sit one play swings in the village, and I went into my brother’s wardrobe and got my friend a jumper. He wore the jumper and came back, and my brother was furious and shouted at me that having done that very loud. I laughed and said if I had asked he would have no or something like that. And just occasionally they will get a peek at what I’m talking about that makes them realise that this is not quite normal.
What, when and how much people told their friends also varied depending on their age and the context. For instance, some didn’t talk to their friends about their siblings when they were younger, but it became easier to talk about when they grew older. One explained that she now finds her peers are more understanding. Some also said that it was difficult to tell new friends and that it was important to get to know people well before they told them. One person had only told her best friend.
Flick talks to her college friends about her autistic relatives, but not to anyone she has just met.
Flick talks to her college friends about her autistic relatives, but not to anyone she has just met.
My close friends I sometimes talk to it about, but I don’t, like if it, I don’t think I’ve ever turned round gone, “Oh yeah, by the way, I have three relatives that are autistic.” If it just like comes up in a casual way. Like, it’s only with my close friends. I won’t, I don’t talk about it with people I just meet or anything. But I mean they’re just sort of like, they’re on the same standing as me they don’t think it, like they don’t look at me and go, “Oh your family has issues,” or anything. They, I mean like they’ll meet my mum and they’ll meet my brothers and they’ll go, ‘actually yeah they’re pretty cool’. So it’s nice, I mean, because I’d hate to be associated with people that had a lot of prejudice and think it was a bad thing to be on the spectrum in any way, shape or form.
Eloise doesnt feel she has to tell her friends about her brother because it is not obvious that...
Eloise doesnt feel she has to tell her friends about her brother because it is not obvious that...
Some people said that their friends had established good relationships with their siblings. A couple said that they treated their brothers “as one of the lads” or thought they were “funny and adorable”. One actively tried to include her brother in her circle of friends. Another would have liked to, but her brother refused to communicate with them because he felt they talked about things that were “not worth talking about”.
Grahams friends have a good relationship with his brother. They share computer games and chat on...
Grahams friends have a good relationship with his brother. They share computer games and chat on...
Yeah, my friends have actually been incredibly supportive around it. I mean when I was younger I didn’t go blabbing it about and stuff. I didn’t like... there was certain people, they wouldn’t make comments deliberately about him, but I didn’t like it when people made jokes about autistic people as such when I was younger. That used to make me quite angry, and had quite a few scuffles as a result of it and things, but no one would be directly like horrible about it, and I was never really embarrassed to talk about it. It’s not like one of those situations where you don’t want anyone to know. And yes, no one really thought anything different of it. My friends they’ve been amazing, the ones who live round here. And they love him. He gets on so well with them, and he still even Facebooks with some of them and exchange computer games with them and stuff, so my friends have, yeah they’ve been great with him and stuff. And I’m still very open about talking about it. It’s nothing I’d shy away from talking about at all. Something I’m quite proud of having a brother and I’m quite happy that I’ve looked after him and things. Very open about it I’d say.
Sophie involves her brother in her social activities with friends.
Sophie involves her brother in her social activities with friends.
A few people said that their friends were not sure “how to treat” their siblings or held negative views about them. These included being scared of them or making critical remarks about them, which, for one, resulted in “quite a few scuffles”. A couple of people felt that their social skills had been affected by growing up with their siblings. For example, one sibling often destroyed his sister’s possessions. As a result of this she didn't like sharing her things with her friends when she was a child.
Jenni was bullied at school. She felt this was linked to her poor social skills that resulted...
Jenni was bullied at school. She felt this was linked to her poor social skills that resulted...
Well as I said when I was younger, I obviously couldn’t have friends around and because I didn’t really have, because obviously I didn’t have my brother to grow up with, my social skills are terrible really [laughs]. You know, really bad when I was younger. And I was bullied a lot like all the way through school. And it still hasn’t really stopped but I just don’t care anymore. And it’s just sort of a knock on effect, that caused that and then this caused… and it just escalated. So yes, for all of my primary school I was bullied because I was, just like I was like that weird kid that no one really, like no one got to hang around with, so no one really got to know. Because I’m, also because like what was going on at home, I was always like slightly more emotional. So I mean, and I was, you know, how you get these kids that just cry over everything. I was one of those anyway so … And at about year two I started getting bullied, like it was just sort of like typical picking on just a random kid and then it just slowly progressed until it peaked in about... Actually no, it didn’t peak, it sort of went up, down a bit, and then up again. But in like year four it got really bad and it didn’t help that I got my hair cut like into, you know, a stupid bowl cut thing and I looked like mushroom [laughed]. Obviously that made, because my hair it was went [explosive sound] and I just got picked on for that, and like everything got like so much worse. And then it sort of went down again and then it picked up again. Then my hair started to frizz as well. It wasn’t just big it was frizzy as well, and I got called Hagrid. I still cannot tolerate that, I mean I still snap at people calling me that, because it had that much of an impact. And some of the stuff that happened to me in my primary school was horrible. Like they put daddy long legs in my lunch box. I don’t even understand that. I don’t even know how they caught them to be honest but, and the school didn’t really care.
Damian did not know who to have a go at when he overheard his friends saying negative things...
Damian did not know who to have a go at when he overheard his friends saying negative things...
Several people said that their friendships were complicated by aspects of their sibling’s behaviour. For example, having friends round could be difficult because of limited space in their home or because their sibling couldn’t cope with people in the house and it would be unfair to “spring all of those people on him”. One person recalled her brother attacking a friend she had brought home.
Not only was having friends round sometimes difficult, but, for some, going out with their friends was not easy because their siblings became upset if they saw them leaving the house. These constraints affected the potential friendships a few people felt they could have had when they were growing up.
For some, friends provided an insight into how life without a sibling on the autism spectrum could be. They found themselves comparing their sibling relationships with those of their friends.