Yeah I would say it’s, it’s kinda like taking a drug, it’s like a relapse when you’re supposed to go back into depression after you’ve been happy for a while. That’s kinda how I’ve been dealing with it my entire life. I’ll go through a cycle, like I’m great for two weeks and the next week I can’t frickin’ sleep, you know.

It’s sort of, I guess it’s just like I don’t think it’s really cyclical. It’s sort of a constant thing for me. And like back in high school it was a constant that I didn’t really recognize what it was so it was just like a feeling of like sadness but not knowing why. And like now it’s like still a sadness, a sort of down-ness, but I know what it is and so it’s not, it’s like easier to get myself out of it.

It means I have to constantly analyze my behavior and my self and my motivations and where they’re coming from and why I’m thinking this way. I, it’s like diabetes. You have to watch what you eat. I have to watch what I eat too, but I also have to watch all of these other factors, like how much I’m sleeping, how much I’m exercising. You know, what am I eating. Like is it, is it good food, is it going to make me happy, is it healthy enough. Like, all these things. Even what you eat affects your happiness. I am so sensitive that I have to watch all of these factors because they all play into my mental health. So like, if I skip a meal, I’m inordinately cranky, you know. I shouldn’t, I just don’t want to be misbalanced in any way. I’m just, I’m so fragile at this point. So I have to, I have to take into account really closely everything in my life that is a factor into how I’m feeling. It’s a lot of work and I didn’t realize it was going to be that big of a deal when I was first diagnosed with it, I guess.

So yeah, I sort of had these ebbs and flows like throughout my childhood and I think a lot people can relate to that. Where there would be like, a bad few months and then a good few months, and then maybe a bad year and then a good couple weeks, but I think sort of what I spent a lot of those good periods in was just kind of like, this petrification like this this feeling like, yeah things are good now but I can’t really truly enjoy them because I’m still just waiting for the other foot to fall. So, since, since moving out and since having a lot better outlook on a lot of the things happening to me I’ve had a lot of an easier time enjoying things and enjoying people, the people that I’m around and building new relationships but it’s still kind of hard not falling back into the mentality of, well when is this all going to stop like, when is the movie going to end, when are the credits going to roll like, when do I have to come back and face reality.

So when I graduated from high school, summer after high school I was trying, I was convinced you know I was going to start over. This always happens you know elementary school to middle school, middle school to high school, high school to going on to college, I was convinced you know. I know I, the thing is, I have a journal and I keep one and I write in it often I started in high school just to cope with my depression, I found it helpful but looking back at my journal it’s interesting because I do say some of the same things after a while, like during my transition periods I would always say, Ok I’m going to start all over, And then every year my new year’s resolution would be I’m going to try something differently. But every year there are some setbacks and there are some cycles and there’s some, and there’s some difficulties and I end up, I ended up going back to where I started. So in between high school and college I was trying I to see if it was even possible for me to move my, adjust my thinking.

when I was younger I thought depression would be the end of me, um, but now that I’m older I feel that it is a challenge that many people deal with and it’s an ongoing battle and that you know, if you can make it through one day you can make it through so many more. And just to not give up, I know that’s such an overused thing, you know, not giving up, but sometimes that’s all you have to resort to is just to like keep staying strong, to really fight through your demons and, and other people’s sometimes and realize you may not have control over everything but you have control over how you perceive things and how you feel about things. And sometimes it gets really hard to where you may not feel like you can deal with these things, but if you’ve dealt with horrible things in the past and you’ve made it through it, I’m positive you can make it through the next round of things that [laughs] may not be particularly positive. But you know, that’s just kind of how life is. And I know it’s a struggle, but everybody feels that struggle to some extent.

There have been times when it’s been really bad and it felt kind of hopeless. But what I’ve learned when I was young in my first depressed– my first suicidal depressive, I was only 10 years old, is that periods of hopelessness are temporary. And that if you wait them out, you normally see a solution that you haven’t thought of before. So sometimes, it is that. Other times, it’s– you know what, things are really good right now. And things are doing really good for me, I feel optimistic about the future, but there are still even today, there are certain days where like, I know that things are good but I’m just tired, I’m just sad, I just feel a little awkward. It’s something that you live with. It’s something that you make adjustments to, you know, meet some– I’ve tried—it’s like, you know, having like a sore shoulder or something. You want to be careful with heavy– lifting heavy objects. You don’t want to hurt yourself but it’s an annoyance, it’s not something that’s taking you out of the game. And that’s what I’m trying to remind myself is that no matter, no matter how bad I feel, it’s almost never actually that bad and if I just keep on doing what I’m doing that I normally turn out OK.

At that point, I did really know that it was going to be ok, but there was something that just stopped me in that moment and really getting through was with support and help and reminders and really using the skills that I had worked on for so long. Igniting those coping skills and the problem solving skills to think, ok, instead of you know thinking negatively or crying I can just go apply to another job and see if that works out. So the persistence really got me through as well.

Are the primary coping and problem solving skills around persistence, are there other aspects of those?

A lot of them are around persistence. A lot of it too, as simple as this sounds, is just trying to speak positively to myself. When I was very deeply depressed a lot of my thinking was negative, I’m never going to amount to anything. I’m never going to be happy. Who would want to be with me? Who wants to be around me?

I would absolutely want to give the message that, not that it gets better because that’s not a thing that magically happens, but there is almost always the means with which a situation can be made better. Sometimes that involves extricating yourself from situation that are unsalvageable. Sometimes that involves taking an honest, sometimes painful, look at your own self and your own behavior and making a determined effort to change it. Sometimes it involves trying to unlearn very painful but powerful ways of looking at the world that are not the most healthy and trying to maybe learn new ones in their place. Sometimes it involves just eating an ice cream cone. There is almost always the possibility of a situation being made better it involves a lot of work, but it can be done.