At the time I think I was just naive and didn’t really know but that I think, I can definitely say that that kept me as bad as I got. I don’t think I’d have been, I think I learnt quite a lot from it, which isn’t good but at the time I didn’t realise this. So, and I started counting calories, I’m like, my whole life I’ve never, before that I’d never known calories, or I didn’t even know what my weight was really before, but kind of I started counting calories and I knew all the calories in everything, and I started only having kind of a certain amount of calories and then it gradually cut down. And I wouldn’t allow myself to go over that amount.
So originally I just kind of joined the community, and just read other people’s posts, and, to start off with it wasn’t really something that I was that kind of into. But as it went by it became something like a daily, I had to go on it every day, and I was kind of set up my own journal and looking back at it now I don’t know why I did it, but on my journal was kind of me saying my weights and what I’d eaten and posting pictures of before and after, and because I wanted to be thinner and I wanted people to say whether I looked thin enough, or kind of, because that’s a big thing, that people comment and say that you’re looking good or kind of encouraging to stay ill, which is really wrong, but at the time it was the only place that I could kind of talk how I actually was.. Because no-one else understood, like around me at college they all just kind of kept telling me to eat and they didn’t really know what was going on. But on the websites I could actually say how I was, how I was feeling and I could see that other people were feeling the same.
So to me it felt like a nice helpful environment at the time. But I know that it wasn’t, now. Because it was really unhelpful really. Because I think without them, although I wouldn’t have had kind of the understanding of other people, I wouldn’t have learnt as many tips and tricks as I did, and I probably, if I didn’t have, if I hadn’t come across them then I probably would’ve spoken to people sooner. Yeah.
Why do you think that is? That you would have spoken to people sooner?
I don’t know. I think it wouldn’t have been, I wouldn’t have felt like it was such a big secret. Whereas with like the pro-ana websites, a lot of it is kind of hiding and kind of you learn how to hide stuff. How to hide behaviours and your physical looking and, so I think if I hadn’t learnt all those things and I hadn’t been caught up with being ill and trying to stay ill, then I might have listened to other people. Whereas I felt like the people who I became friends with on the websites were the people to listen to because it made more sense to me at the time.