Interview 01
Age at interview: 75
Age at diagnosis: 35
Brief Outline: Treatments have included ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy), hospitalisation, talking therapies, lithium and medication. He was on a preventative, low dose of Zoloft (sertraline 100mg/day) due to his wife's death.
Background: A former brewer, feels he was probably depressed even as a child. He has had a number of bouts of depression and currently has cancer.
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Explains how he considers depression a sign he is going to get better.
Explains how he considers depression a sign he is going to get better.
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Compares cancer with depression and says there is more professional support for cancer, and...
Compares cancer with depression and says there is more professional support for cancer, and...
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But with depression that's a different ball game really. And [pause] its'The two are so different. One is at one end of the scale, and one at the other. It's the loneliness and the feeling of being utterly down and out with depression. With cancer you can say, "Oh, I've got to have a treatment, lets see if that does any good.' And there is a sort of progression.
But being involved inside the depression, you can't see the wood for the trees, and you depend on people close to you to point the things out that you are unaware of. So you are sort of running in blinkers with depression, which isn't the case with cancer. And I've found that people, not everybody, but lots of people involved in helping people with depression can say quite hurtful things. And that you're in a pretty low ebb when you've got it anyway, so I've found that much more difficult.
Although he denied being depressed, he was referred to a psychiatrist who understood how he felt,...
Although he denied being depressed, he was referred to a psychiatrist who understood how he felt,...
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When was that?
That was in 1963 and [long pause] I was most offended. I thought I'm not, and what's he talking about. So he gave me a letter to give to my GP and my GP arranged for me to go and see a psychiatrist at a big hospital. And when I got there my wife came with me and he asked me questions about how I felt. And I should have told you that I was normally about 11 stone. But by this time I was down to about 7 stone.
And so I felt pretty ill and I got to the point where I would sit in a darkened room and not want to talk to anybody. So I was totally withdrawn, and I explained all this to the psychiatrist. And then when I'd finished, which was a terrible ordeal because I was loathed to talk about myself, he then said, 'I'll tell you a bit more about how you feel'', which was the most wonderful relief because I thought this was just peculiar to me. And he took a great burden off my shoulders.
He lost his faith in psychiatrists when his hair fell out. His psychiatrist initially said it was...
He lost his faith in psychiatrists when his hair fell out. His psychiatrist initially said it was...
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So I tried, I'd try anything to get out of it so I went onto the lithium salts, and one day I was washing my hair over a sink and when I opened my eyes the sink was lined with masses of hair. So I pulled my hands through my hair and I could pull it out and over the next 2 or 3 weeks I guess it all fell out.
So I had no hair at all and I saw this psychiatrist and he said, 'Oh, don't worry about it, I'll send you to a skin specialist, its come out because you've had a great deal of stress.' So I went to see the skin specialist and by a piece of good luck he said, 'I get depressed as well.' And he said, 'And I know what lithium salts do.'
And by examining my scalp he said, 'I can assure you it will grow again.' Which it did, so that was a relief [pause]' And to continue that story I was expected to become depressed when my wife died. The bereavement was thought'.[to perhaps trigger depression].
But I didn't really feel that ill at that time. And I saw this same psychiatrist. This was about another 10 years after the first visit to him when he had prescribed lithium. And when I walked in he said, 'Oh, I remember you, you had an overdose of lithium!' And I said, 'You told me it was stress.' And he said that he could have made a mistake. So all my faith in psychiatrists went zooming out the window with one man.
He 'swallowed his tongue' during ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) and had to try to alert the...
He 'swallowed his tongue' during ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) and had to try to alert the...
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And so I was strapped onto a trolley, and up round my feet and waist and chest and my arms at the side. And then I was in that state, with two anaesthetists who stood by me talking about something I don't remember what. And I swallowed my tongue and I couldn't move or shout, so I thought 'I'm going to die if these two don't soon notice what's happening'.
So I moved my body as much as I could and hit the one of them with the trolley, and they were terribly apologetic and asked me if I wanted to go on with it. And I did, but ever since then I've had quite a lot of surgery. And I always ask the anaesthetist to be careful not to let that happen again.
So that period then I was taking quite a lot of anti-depressants drugs as well and I was off work for about 6 weeks'. 6 months, I mean 6 months. When I went back to work I had no recollection of what had happened while I was away. And I knew the job well enough to go on doing it, but my memory was bad so'
While I was off, we went on holiday. And to this day I have no recollection of where we went or what happened or anything. So that was a bit frightening. And then I was determined to go back and do the job so my memory was affected by this time so I got into the habit of carrying a note book and putting everything down that I'd to do. And so to all intents and purposes, I was back to normal, or I felt I was.
Describes a suicide attempt where he was not met by empathy by hospital staff.
Describes a suicide attempt where he was not met by empathy by hospital staff.
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And'. I can remember being almost unconscious, and with a doctor and nurses around the bed. And the doctor said to one of the nurses, "Go and get so and so' we've got about 10 minutes or he'll be gone". And I could hear him, and I just thought, "I wish you'd leave me alone. I'm warm and comfortable. I don't want this". But they did their stuff and got me round [pause]. And that was'. that was not nice because I'd frightened my wife, which wasn't fair.
And I also had to run the gauntlet with the medical people who were something less than sympathetic. But they were looking at it from a medical point of view. So that's not my place to judge what they were saying. But it was not any easy thing' and I must have been in quite a deep state of depression to' to contemplate that [pause]'. Yeh I regret doing that.
Through noticing forerunners to depression, and adjusting his medication, he could manage his...
Through noticing forerunners to depression, and adjusting his medication, he could manage his...
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After yes'. after recovering if you like'.. but there were still periods when instead of being like this in the swings [motions with his hands a roller coaster ride] it's more like that it's manageable [motions with his hands a much flatter roller coaster], and it's got to the point where the depression is a feeling of being just fed up, plus a fraction. But not the absolute withdrawal, that's'. that's ghastly. That is awful. So that's something I've experienced.
His wife helped a lot by looking after the children and household duties, but he regrets the...
His wife helped a lot by looking after the children and household duties, but he regrets the...
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So she also had to take on the role of a sort of go-between the children and me. She did sort of protect them, if that's the right word, from the worst part of it. I would do'. Oh you know, the garden and things around the house, and all that sort if thing, which was my job to do in a way, as well as the work. But I found it difficult to relate on the day-to-day things, which is where she was so good. She took over those things, and that was very helpful. But I' I feel that we missed a lot because of it. My sons were very good, but they missed a lot because of how I was. And they would have to make allowances, which isn't really what you should have to do when you're growing up. So she stepped in there and took the edge of it.
Argues that the depressed person is the best person to overcome the depression, but they need to...
Argues that the depressed person is the best person to overcome the depression, but they need to...
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Argues that very depressed people need to accept help from doctors, including medication, at...
Argues that very depressed people need to accept help from doctors, including medication, at...
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I mean I can judge situations in retrospect, but at the time, I was almost immobilised, inert really. Yeah it was.... I would sit in a darkened room with my arms over my head for hours, feeling so wretched I didn't want to eat or drink. So I was totally.... almost totally withdrawn, so you're not really able to make any judgements and that's it....