Amy’ Because it was the blood vessel as well as just the kind of, the uterus bleeding. So I suppose they were trying to find the source of the bleeding, but I don’t really
Sally’ No, I mean I remember the anaesthetist was
Amy’ She was great.

Sally’ She was absolutely she was really calm.

Amy’ And she was very assertive with them.

Sally’ She was very assertive with the team so when Amy started to kind of come unresponsive and I was like what the hell’s going on She was, you know, this is normal, she’s got pain relief. And she didn’t want to panic, but she was really clear with them about, You’ve got to stop this now, you’ve got to stop the bleeding and get her sewn up You know, they put a drain in so if there was any kind of, so they could check.

Amy’ They did turf you out.

Sally’ Yes, she took control. But then I started to get quite upset because obviously Amy was kind of. I didn’t have a clue what was going on. I didn’t know. You know, all I knew was suddenly the room was full of people. You know, absolutely rightly no one was talking to me about what was going on apart from the anaesthetist and so they said, Perhaps you should leave

And of course, I think whilst they say that that’s probably the right thing for me to do, but of course I was starting to think, well why are you asking me to leave? What the hell is going on?

So I took, the midwife that had been with us, put [daughter] in the kind of cot, incubator thing and she was fine throughout. She was, she was kind of, they weren’t at all worried about her, or anything. And I kind of sat in the corridor. You know, just outside while they gave you a blood transfusion. While they were giving her blood, and but in the meantime Amy’s Mum who sat in the kind of reception area could hear them ordering blood for someone and knewBecause we’d been in there a couple of hours by this point. You were in theatre for almost three hours.

Amy’ Three and a bit hours yes.

Sally’ And she was, they kind of were talking about this thing going on and she sat there, so nobody had kind of gone to her and said, so she knew her daughter was in trouble you know, and that was, I think from her point of view she found that quite difficult.

Amy’ Yes, I think they just forgot I suppose. You know, when they’re busy and stuff they sort of forget that there might be a relative or someone sat there and they were all, she was sat right by in the sort of nurse’s station or whatever they call it, so
Sally’ She used to be a nurse and it didn’t help because she understood a lot of the terminology that they were using [laughs]. So
Amy’ And then I think, and then I don’t really, I sort of vaguely remember being transferred onto a trolley and saying to them, Just leave me alone I remember getting quite cross with them. I was like, Stop touching me. Just go away and leave me alone And then being taken to the high dependency unit.

Sally’ Yes, and I think there’s a real social pressure, because you know, people come out and say oh the moment I saw this baby, yes, but the moment I saw that baby was associated with me thinking I’d lose my partner. You know, that’s the first thing, I’d got this baby and I didn’t actually care I’d got this baby, you know, we spent nine months talking about it, you know, and I’ve got people going, Oh what have you had And I was like, I don’t care what we bloody had You know, I don’t even know if Amy’s going to be alive in four hours’ time You know, and that, I really strongly remember having that feeling of I just don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know, you know, I was thinking Jesus we’ve got this baby and, you know, it was really, so for me, that kind of attachment thing, I think it’s difficult if you’re, if you’re a Dad or the partner anyway, because you know, I didn’t carry her for nine months, so whilst I felt attached, I felt a responsibility towards her, but I didn’t feel that bond, and I was kind of, not angry’s the wrong word with her, but seeing kind of Amy really struggle with the breastfeeding and being in so much pain, was definitely kind of, resentment about life changing, which comes with being a parent I think to anybody, you know, the fact that you’re up all the time, you know, you can, you can barely string a sentence and all those kind of those and what with that feeling of what have we done, but also just really resentful that, that Amy had had to go through, you know, and I think that got in the way of me bonding with [daughter], you know, initially and it felt like, you know, just all I do is get you up and give you to Amy and feed you and then we go get your nappies, so it just felt like this kind ofthat the only emotion was negative. And, and it took me longer than you I think because you were breastfeeding but I think it took me four or five months to actually think, God how lucky we are to have this baby you know, and lots of friends kind of. We haven’t got masses of friends with kids, but kind of who say, Oh instantly the moment I saw herrdquo; And you start to think God is there something wrong with me that I don’t feel that, you know, I don’t feel that, I’m cross and I’m angry and you know. Amy’s knackered and she’s having to give herself injections and you know, it’s having to carry nipple shields around with you [laughs] you know, and she’s kind of anxious and stressed and you know, I don’t know, it’s difficult. It was difficult.

Amy’ Hm.

Sally’ I think. And you know, someone needs to tell you that’s okay I think. Someone needs to say and actually the consultant was the first person that said, you know, You’ve been through major surgery