Michelle

As the month went on, I was getting more and more exhausted. Cos I was never an every day person, but I became one because I would wake up and wake up in tears and just terrified of what my life was going to be, cos at that point, in my mind failed every job I’d ever had, I was a trans woman, Donald Trump was running for president, and the UK was going through like a really anti-trans thing in the media. All of these different factors, and my financial instability, cos I was going through the benefits thing, and by, and Workplace capability assessments are cruel and unusual, especially with someone going through with severe anxiety related thing, which is what my deal was. All of these things sort of come, combined together.

There is a big thing when it comes to trans healthcare stuff, where people with neuro-divergent stuff are terrified at saying so. Or terrified of getting assessed for it before they go through the gender pathway because there has been reports of people being turned down because they believe that it is something to do with autism, or that their autism diagnosis could be held against them. I don’t know if that’s necessarily as common as it once was, but its definitely been a thing, and I’ve talked to many people who have had that fear and have those experiences. So maybe realising that people with autism spectrum disorders, like they know themselves, just as much as anybody else does, you know. Like I’ve never met an autistic person who’s just like, “I don’t know about me.” They tend to know who they are in very strong ways.

Like I’ve never met somebody with autism who has been unsure of themselves, lets put it that way.

I discovered the possibility of me having ADHD fairly recently, it took about a year, I saw a meme on line about washing up with ADHD, making the point that ADHD people can’t see when there’s a massive pile of washing up next to the sink. And the actual act of doing it hurt sometimes, some people. I was like, “Oh.” And I’m at first, I was just like, “That sounds like me. I should probably get my arse in gear, you know.” It, its like I’m acting like I’ve got ADHD which is a thing I don’t have. In over a year I saw more memes like that, talked to some people, a combination of three things happened that got me there. One, another person said that they thought I was autistic. So, I went to my GP and she was like, “No, I can refer you if you want. But it doesn’t look like its been a major problem, source of problems in your life.” And I’m like, “I agree. This doesn’t feel like it fits, but I’ve been told by ten people, some of them working in healthcare. So, I thought it was something to ask about.” Then I saw on the show Big Mouth, a character on that, Jay, got diagnosed with ADHD. Some people thought it was quite problematic, maybe it is, I don’t know as much about it so I’ll submit to them, but he said the thing about losing time, that clicked it for me, cos I lose time all the time, and finally I had a conversation with my friend [name], I showed him a picture of my bedroom, I think we were talking about fans of the podcast being starstruck by me, and I was making the point, no-one should be starstruck by me ever, cos this is how I live. And I took a picture of my trashed bedroom. And he was like, “That’s an ADHD thing.” And we had a conversation, it just sort of all clicked in together there. So, then I went to the GP, tried to get an ADHD assessment on the NHS, it was going to take 12 -18 months. I’ve been on benefits for years already, if this is really the thing, like the other part of me that has made working so hard, apart from coming out as trans and being, you know, all of that stuff. I couldn’t wait. And then they screwed up my referral, so it became a two year wait and I was just like, “Ah right fine.” So I threw the podcast crowd-funded the money to get a private assessment, which is something I never wanted to do, but I felt like I had to, cos it was like I can’t wait two years. I’ve got to know if this is a thing, and if it is a thing, I want to get started on a treatment now. Preferably before Brexit happens, cos fuck knows what’s going to happen then. So, I got on-line, found someone, did the assessment on Skype, £350, got my diagnosis. And the person I saw was great, I get the feeling they’ve seen a lot of trans people, cos I think neuro-divergent stuff is really common, and ADHD comes under that thing.

I actually could get some shit done, like I could tell you some stories about the podcasts like my favourite one, which also combines a story about what ADHD can be one of the plus points, and I’m not one of those people who thinks that ADHD is a superpower, it is a disability. It is, had a drastic affect on my life in very negative ways and its still a struggle even though I am on medication now, but there are still things that I struggle with incredibly so. But also, a thing with being ADHD is it makes you very impulsive and not think things through. And I was trying, and I was covering Pride in [city] for the podcast. I got a media pass, I was running around the parade room, I looked at my phone, it said that I did a marathon on foot that day, running up and down the stretch, over and over again, trying to find people to talk to. And I loved it. I loved that; I love being out on assignment trying to talk to people at big events like that. I love covering that stuff. If there was a job where I could just do that, I could do that every day until my legs fall off when I’m 80, I would do that. And Billy Porter, from the TV show Pose was doing the headline set on the BAME stage at [location] and I turned to my friend who would, I’d met up with that day, just like, “I’ve got to try something, I don’t know how this, long this, is gonna, I don’t know if its gonna work, I don’t know how long I’m gonna be, so if you want to go back to my place you can take my keys and go back to my place and wait for me there, otherwise wait here, I’ll be back at some point.” And she was like, “I understand,” and so I ran back behind the thing, and my media pass did not get me back stage, that’s one thing it didn’t do, but I found a security person and just like, “Hey, I would really like a minute with Billy Porter, can you help me out?” And that is something that you don’t do, alright most people wouldn’t do that because it would be like, well I can’t do that, they haven’t given me backstage access. But I didn’t care cos the ADHD was powering me at that point, just like, “I’m going to get an interview with Billy Porter, and I did. And he now opens every show we do. I’ve got him, and I asked him like, “Could you record a thing so that we can open the show with it?” And he was like, “Well what do you want?” And I was like, “I don’t know, whatever you want.” He was like “Well what about if I do, And the category is what the trans,” which is the name of my podcast, “Absolutely.” And so now every show opens with Billy Porter going, “Hey darlings, the category is What the Trans?” and then the music kicks in, and it, I love it, like that’s the good side of ADHD right there, cos I don’t know many other people that would have done that. Or even thought to have tried it.

The reporting on the issue of trans kids specifically has been abysmal. Genuinely awful. Because one day one publication will say that trans kids are being rushed into surgeries which, from what I’ve seen is hilariously untrue. And then the next day they’ll do a story about how like some trans kid has been waiting for five years, and [pause 3 secs] they are stoking up a debate on this issue in people who aren’t experiencing it, they will never, they aren’t trans themselves, or they aren’t any kind of experts on this issue in any real way. They aren’t going to those people.

I think if some people that are in trouble, they need to completely turn off. Like they don’t, like avoid Twitter, Twitter seems to be a very, very big place where a lot of bad people are, and a lot of bad ideas are. I mean for everything, you know but, avoidance is fine, you’re not letting the community down by cutting yourself off from the media, and from social media cos there can be a thing where people are just like, “Well I’ve got to keep up to this, up on this stuff, cos I’ve got to be aware. You know the community needs, I need to know this stuff because you know, of the community.” No, don’t. If it’s fucking with you, cut yourself off.

Try to get the pronouns right, as much as you can, cos one of the best, well actually another positive experience, right, cos I had, I went into an A&E after my first suicide attempt, and this one , she went out the room to talk to someone, like on the phone and I could hear her, and she was saying like, “Well she’s got insight, so she knows that there’s something wrong, so I don’t think like, and I don’t think a wards going to help her.” And she was talking to a third party, where she didn’t think I could hear her, and she was still respecting my pronouns and stuff. And like that made me feel so much better. So just the little things like that, you know, say, do the pronoun game. If you get it wrong apologise quickly and just try again next time. Don’t make a big thing of it. Like making the room that you’re in with the trans patient feel like a refuge from the world where their identity will not be questioned. I mean mistakes are cool obviously, mistakes, everyone makes them so don’t worry over too much. But if you make that room a place where they don’t have to worry, you may find that trans people may just start unloading some stuff from you in their life, I mean that’s something I’ve done, getting my injection, and then suddenly just because I felt safe enough I’ve been able to go like, “Things have been really tough lately, you know,” and be prepared for that conversation to come up, cos it might happen.