June

I’ve just done a bout of therapy in 12 weeks and my sort of like aim was wanting to sort of come out to my parents because they live in [country] so there’s nothing sort of pushing me to engage with them like sort of interface with them really like so I’ve been able to sort of get away with not really talking about my transness which I wouldn’t be able to do if we were living in the same city. Which has been good but, so we communicate, but I’ve actually come to realise that I don’t think I actually, I never came out as queer to them either, I just mention my girlfriend and I don’t really believe that trans people have to come out because I think that’s very you know, I believe in like sort of cisgender privilege and I think it’s sort of seems deferential to come out to cis people when we’re just existing the same as them, they don’t have to come out as cis, we don’t have to come out, you know, I don’t, I never, I never felt the need to come out as queer, or bisexual I always just felt like oh I’m just like, you know, existing the same as everyone else I, you know, I definitely [laughter] I don’t owe it to you to have to justify my who I am, or explain it to you, you know, if they want an explanation then they can have a conversation about that I think that’s a different thing. So that was intention, that, that was the original intention of, of doing the therapy but I’ve kind of come to realise that I haven’t really been hiding it from them at all actually and I mean I like I have my pronouns on my WhatsApp signature. And I have my pronouns on my Facebook and if you click into my Facebook in my about it says I’m male and I have pictures of myself and I also post a lot of stuff about trans rights and trans advocacy and yeah I also recently started like sort of an East Asian trans support group that like, you know, it’s just all really quite public. So I don’t really think I’m doing anything to hide my, do you know what I mean I, I actually think they probably know already because, I mean and one of my sisters lives at home and she follows me on like all of my social media platforms and they, they’re connected with me on WhatsApp and Facebook not Instagram but, you know, the other two where I yeah post really regularly abou trans issues and my own experiences about healthcare.

I think the real problem is that there doesn’t feel like there’s a precedent for feminine Trans masculinity especially as a person of colour. And I think there is a problem where black Trans men for example are read as more masculine that’s a whole thing in itself they’re presume to be like, you know, more masculine, it’s projected onto them by the white gaze. It’s imposed, they don’t have a choice in the matter they’re going to be read as masculine. Then for me as a, as, so from my particular experience the gaze that’s cast onto Asian men is like good at STEM and effeminate or like, you know, emasculated and like not good at sex for example small penis, like just certain things these like scripts are like imposed on us like on Asian Trans men and there’s not much narrative in terms of what queer Asian masculinity looks like I only really know of one queer out Asian like celebrity for example like and he committed suicide in like the early thousands, the one sort of like the one sort of reference point I, just one reference point and so I didn’t grow up with media role models of what queer Asian masculinity looks like and then to add the sort of like extra sort of like dimension of being Trans onto that and being bisexual onto that. Did not really grow up with the conception that someone like me could exist with all of my intersections like I think, felt kind of impossible that like someone could have all those intersections and still have, yeah and exist because it’s just I’ve not seen anybody out there with this kind of experience and I know that we exist [laughter] yeah. But even if I was cis and a queer effeminate sort of like Trans man like oh sorry a cis man that’s Asian like that, that in itself is already like, you know, really hard to find any representation of in the media. So you just yeah I guess like I don’t feel, like I never felt like a freak I think I just, it really stopped me from coming out into myself and transitioning because I didn’t really understand how I could like have all the, be all those things and also like be real.

The thing about going to GP’s is that they, because they’re in a position of power they can really talk down to you and really like try and sort of talk you out, they gaslight you and talk you out of what you’re doing or say that you’re doing something illegal so you should be like, you know, like kind of like [pause] yeah just like making me feel like I was doing something wrong when I was just trying to when, when they have like a sort of right to provide, you know, like they have a duty of care and instead of making sure that I’m okay or that like I’m not at risk they actually seem more concerned about like making me feel like I was doing something illegal and to try and like encourage me to stop doing that illegal thing.

I’m really lucky my partner is a psychotherapist and also works they currently work with CliniQ actually as a psychotherapist but they, and they’re Trans and sort of non-binary but and they, also went to [institution] so they’re very like good at like talking smart [laughter].

So I brought my partner along to an appointment and it was pretty much I didn’t have to say anything they were just like, yeah my GP completely changed her tune. But just in terms of like the demeanour she wasn’t talking down to me anymore she wasn’t kind of like being condescending so, so like, you know, yeah so it just felt like oh okay so bring along a posh person who like, you know, knows information like, you know, like Trans healthcare and knows about like sort of knows about what my rights are and then it kind of like changed the whole sort of interaction and it was pretty like eye opening to be honest.

I just feel like myself it’s really feel like without dysphoria I feel a lot more connected in terms of my day to day, in terms of my what I actually wanna be achieving with life, what my goals are and like I can kind of picture myself in the future and like, you know, what I might look like and like, do you know I think before that I was very much living in the day to day I didn’t really have that much of a conception of like me in five years, me in ten years, me in 15 years and like actually starting to develop a picture about what my future might look like because I think when you’re, yeah when, when you’re disassociating in that kind of way it is really impossible to not just to think positively about the future but to even visualise any kind of future because you’re not, you know, you’re not there like, like in the, in the like the most sort of like yeah in some sort of sense like, you’re not.

I’m still kind of working out like kind of just like ramped up, I was working out like maybe three or four times a week because I guess, I was already like quite fit and so I was able to like, when I started going to the gym I started going like three or four times a week and I was like see how, let’s see how much I can push this because I like bought this, I bought an unlimited membership where I’m like I’m paying for it I might as well just go, so I started like going like maybe five or six times a week and so I was getting quite fit and also just kind of addicted to the boxing because of how it made me feel and also started getting a bit addicted to how my body was looking as well like the changing my body and I’ve always been like quite flat chested but I was noticing that my body was just getting sort of like quite yeah like lean and I was really enjoying like, well I was just, oh this is making me feel things I don’t, like I don’t, I mean I was just very used to either looking in the mirror to present myself as femme to kind of create this sort of like façade to the world that also gave me a certain kind of pleasure but not really paying much attention to my body like I always enjoyed fashion and dressing myself but not for the sake of like making my body look a certain way.

And just well not really like trying to kind of like not think about that actually I just kind of really like have any I don’t think I really had any relationship to like my body in terms of like you know, people like told me that this cis woman version of me that I was like sexy I think I really liked it I didn’t really understand it didn’t really compute because it like wasn’t something that I could see. So I felt quite like disassociated from it but then as I started to train and seeing my body change I really actually started developing a subjectivity in relation to my body where I would look at it and I’d be like okay this is making me feel good which is not something that had ever happened before because I, I remember I’d take notice of boys or girls or whoever I was seeing at the time and I’d just be like I don’t know how to do this I don’t feel, I don’t know what looks good and, and then I started realising what looks good to me was what I was actually achieving through going to the gym and boxing and I was, I think I became quite attached to going to the gym and changing my body and it made me become quite obsessive and also it was a way of spending time with myself with my relationship at home didn’t feel very good, it didn’t feel very healthy.

My background is Chinese Vietnamese first generation, sorry second generation so both my parents are yeah sort of first generation migrants from China and Vietnam and grew up sort of quite a, I would say quite conservative but also yeah I don’t know my mum’s like now a Pastor and she’s always been religious so growing up she wasn’t a Pastor but she was very involved in the church and so the sort of like influence of that was quite big in my life so both my parents were quite involved in the church and I think I didn’t really have much exposure to sort of queer or trans identities growing up until I was probably like sort of end of High School. And I think probably the first time I saw any sort of bisexual representation I was immediately like okay that’s me yeah I see, I had no hesitation I immediately felt like sort of seen by that. So I didn’t really I don’t think I ever really struggled with like coming to terms with my sexual orientation or my sexuality, that always made a lot of sense but then in terms of my gender I think because I never really saw any Trans men like I wasn’t aware of them I think there’s a real problem with invisibility in Trans men and like the fact that most Trans men sort of live under the radar and it’s just not something that’s like well, say like a sort of paradox of like Trans men being really invisible and Trans women being hyper visible and how that’s like policed in society so I think, you know, I probably did encounter Trans men growing up at some point but I just, you know, I don’t think I was ever aware of it and so that was never something that crossed my mind I might be a Trans person actually.

I have recently been really interested in thinking about Asian masculinity like how as Asian men were desexualised on like dating Apps and in the media, like absence in the media especially in gay culture, no fats, no femmes, no Asians, you know, that sort of culture. And how like my experience as a someone who socialised as female is like I was hyper sexualised and like, you know, men were always attracted to me and they would always like sort of like pursue me like really doggedly and it was like, quite like, you know, it felt really like dehumanising in another kind of way. And so as a sort of like binary yeah as a binary male like that feels quite strange then to like feel quite invisible in certain kind of spaces in terms of like desirability and so there’s kind of this weird like sort of quandary and so that’s really interesting. I’m also sort of interested in like historical like historical Asian masculinity and what that looks like because I think there’s so little representation about like what is Asian masculinity like we’re not, that I didn’t grow up with much of a sort of other than like direct family members I didn’t grow up much with a sort of spectrum of what that’s meant to look like.

I recently went to Vietnam and I just like pass, people were like asking me if we had kids like that was, this is like sort of like, that was quite unexpected for me because you know, like every one’s the same build and like everyone’s the same height and I’m used to being like read as femme or faggy in some kind of way like and then I’ve just like got read as like a normal man [laughter] a bit like as a straight cis man and that was kind of weird. So it’s just kind of like just think about like how all these things intersect and like how societal expectations how much they’re constructed by ethnocentricity, yeah. so like even like the whole idea of like being femme like that is something that I choose to put on as an affectation and, you know, like I get discriminated for that sometimes and like, you know, like people hurl abuse at me or something like that, you know but like it’s kind of interesting to think that I always assume that that was inherent in the way I look, but it’s not its’s actually if I go to Asia I get read as like a sort of like very standard cis straight man actually so, which is really interesting to me like how much we racialise male bodies, like Asian men as effeminate in like sort of Western culture.

I think that I think that BAME Trans people need to be prioritised in sort of like all aspects of life like really like, you know, for equity to exist like people need to make sure to platform us, to sort of share our story, [video glitches a few times] to listen to our experiences, to you know more funding opportunities I’m trying to start a especially because of sort of Covid related xenophobia I’ve started, a East Asian, and South East Asian Trans support network and we’re trying to get some sort of seed funding I really want to work, we have a specific sort of interest in the sense that like we all feel like there’s queer East Asian people kind of written out of history because of sort of like the cultural erasure of queerness in those communities, in those cultures and so that’s something I’m deeply invested in but I’m also really interested in working and advocating for sort of Trans femme sex workers and beauty industry workers in South East Asia I think who were disproportionately like sort of like affected by Covid and like out of work and homeless and like sort of working in unsafe situations. So I just really think that there needs to be a big focus on like asking BAME Trans people what we need because we’re the only ones that are gonna be able to tell you, you know, what our concerns are and how we’re disproportionately affected. And also just to showcase more individual stories because I feel like there’s sort of like very prescriptive ways to which our people envisage what a Trans narrative looks like and I think if you’re black or working class or disabled or brown your experience of being a Trans person is going to be just like sort of vastly different from you know, white middle class trans person and actually unfortunately those are the narratives that we see most of, those are the people that are sort on the media like being exposed people those are the people that are represented like on like television. Academia as well is full of white, like middleclass Trans people, that’s a whole sort of field in itself like that sector is overly saturated with like sort of white people. So I think really like [laughter] just yeah platforming yeah black and brown writers who are Trans who are telling you about our experiences and like saying this is what we’re going through, this is how it intersects with race and class is really important and, you know, people who care like should be championing that by like sharing stories and making films and putting funding into it.

I’m getting to meet more and more sort of like Trans men who identify as femme and camp and as fags and that’s been really like, you know, really emboldening thing to me because it’s like oh okay like finally like I feel like there are other people who we can be Trans men and we can also like be femme and not have to prescribe to masculinity and like that’s legitimate and it’s really important to see yourself represented in like society and like to have community with people who are like you and like share similar values. And like also like who are, like against toxic masculinity and like, you know, but like pro being men [laughter] because, you know, you don’t have to negate one aspect of your identity in order to like, you know, like yeah I don’t know, to flourish into another part of your identity.

I think yeah now I’m really interested in like the history of like fag culture and reading like The Faggots and their Friends, it’s a really important sort of text. From like the early 80’s I think before AIDs yeah about celebrating queerness and sexuality and yeah not being ashamed, embracing play and joy and all of these things that are like associated with like camp. Yeah so I think like that’s been a big part of my journey and like, you know, accepting that part of myself in like yeah and in like finding transness’s place in faggotry or like trying to make a place for it, has been really important.

I think with the faggotry thing it’s like the fag is someone that like choses pleasure and joy and play over, you know, like capitalism or over like, you know, like homonormativity, over like, you know, the marriage and the white picket fence lifestyle like a lot of gays like have prescribed to, prescribed to like that. And that’s fine but we’re the people that choose like the other thing.

I could talk to you about Grindr that’s been very interesting that, that’s, Grindr’s been really interesting in terms of I’ve recorded like a string of sort of like messages and conversations that I’ve had, that messages that people have sent me so like really funny sort of like, my favourite is like ‘How far have you transitioned?’ or like… have to go through my phone because it’s actually really, the messages on Grindr are really telling actually I think about sort of like fetishisation in terms of okay… yeah a lot of racism but, you know, in terms of ‘Why don’t you have scars across your chest?’ ‘Do you still have a pussy?’ Lots of that. ‘Do you still have lady parts ‘Sorry if I sound dumb do you have male or female parts?’ ‘Hi do you have a pussy or do you have a juicy cock now? ‘What is a bisexual transgender please?’ ‘I would love to see what an FTM is like I’ve been with many MTF but not the other way’, ‘Wow I can’t see your scars at all’ ‘Have experience with FTM and have absolutely loved my experiences so far, would love to continue that streak let me know if you’re still looking’ [laughter] ‘Can I ask you something can you introduce me to some FTM who are up for fun, I know that’s random, I’ll be honest I find them sexy like Gods’ [laughter] ‘Are you pre-op or post-op?’ [Laughter] ‘If you’re FTM do you not have a dick?’ just like ‘How does that work, what’s your sexual organs, sorry if this is ignorant I’m just curious’, that’s the intro message. ‘How’s it going, how far have you transitioned?’ That’s the intro message and it’s just like they, this is the greeting this is not [laughter] I’ve just like been collecting messages that people send me on Grindr like straight up because, you know, yeah I think it’s really fascinating.

I think that the first time I like had sex with another Trans person that felt really like… eye opening or like beautiful like I think like it was yeah I think actually in terms of my sex life having sex with other Trans people has been a really sort of beautiful thing because you can kind of like there is no script there is no sort of way for two Trans people to have sex, you’re not, you’re not, you can kind of unpack a lot of that stuff, you know, like internalise about how people how people fuck, like it’s just kind of like you write your own rules and that feels really beautiful and like liberating and you kind of like, yeah it’s, it’s kind of kind of like spiritual and educational, empowering.

Yeah I think it’s been really fundamental in terms of actually like getting in touch with a certain like part of my transness has been through sexuality and through having sexual relationships with other people who are Trans I’ll think that’s been really helped me understand… so much of the way that we have sex as, as people is prescriptive and then when two people, two Trans people have sex with each other it, and also like not like, you know, it’s not like there is a way that like Trans people have sex it’s like, it actually just opens everything out because it’s kind of like starting from a baseline of like zero because you have to communicate everything so in terms of consent it, it’s it allows for such like much better communication because you’re really starting from a baseline of absolute zero.

I did have to correct a GP recently who was a, so he kept, I had to, he yeah we were talking about a specific situation and then he, a specific treatment and he kept talking about had to correct his saying women and I was like oh excuse me I’m like can you say people with vaginas instead of like repeatedly saying women and I think he was a bit taken aback that someone would say that to him because he was obviously like in this position of power and, and being quite like mansplaining to me and I think I was just like you, you keep saying like women and this is kind of like it’s not like an appropriate to this situation, yeah. But he did correct himself but I think he was like quite taken aback actually.

I try and shield myself from it because I find it’s so triggering, like [name] and people like that and just like I the sort of the GIC consultation I think it was, was that in 2017 when that was happening I remember there were a lot of TERF’s protesting outside my place of work, or like near the sort of near [station] sort of thing, not, not because, you know, I was trans or anything, I hadn’t sort of come out, but I found that really I think it impacted me because I hadn’t come out as Trans yet and I knew, you know, deep down I knew I was Trans and I was sort of… yeah I found that incredibly like emotionally unsettling as someone that wasn’t, hadn’t come out yet and I was at work and going to work and I was passing this TERF and then like people at work were sort of talking about it like debated, debating like their position on it as, and it made me feel incredibly dehumanised and I remember sort of like feeling like incredibly dissociative and then not really engaging like other than like I would sort of post on social media about my like kind of and yeah I’d post my take on things on social media but then when I actually went into the office after like sort of encountering this, yeah like having to actually like be face to face with someone who was like protesting against Trans people and then I didn’t know I was trans and then going into work and then like talking to people who also didn’t know I was Trans and like talking about it as if it was something that was like up for debate and these people didn’t have agency. That was really hard yeah that felt really difficult and I think it really like kind of prevented me from wanting to come out.

So the thing that really stands out to me is that when I tried to access Trans healthcare services prior to having the conception that I wanted to be a binary Trans man as that was how I identified, I really felt a lot of pressure to have all the answers going into the GP or going into even CliniQ actually, going into any health service I felt this pressure to have a very cut and dry conception of what my gender was and how, what trajectory I wanted to take and what services I needed and whether that was medical or non-medical and I felt like there needs to, it needs to feel safe in order to like for someone to, to not have the answer to any of those questions. And for them to feel like they’re still gonna be held in the same way and receive the same level of service as someone that knows that they wanna medically transition and has like has an idea of like a timeline in terms of like, you know, surgeries. Because I think that yeah I think people who are sort of less sure about these things can kind of get lost on the wayside. And they, yeah and they risk not being able to sort of have the same level of care in services, yeah.