Jessica

I think there is a kind of, there is a huge, I guess, even if it’s not implied there is a kind of like, even if it’s not directly stated there is an implied kind of like requirement to have that kind of narrative within society. For instance, like if you want to go get healthcare from the NHS or change anything legally or anything, they will often ask you or so I’ve heard, they ask you questions about like when did you first realise this and you supposed to have this kind of picture perfect like Princess and the Frog story about like, oh, I realised, I realised this when I was five and it’s doesn’t work out for everyone. It’s not how most people’s lives are. And so, there is this kind of, you’ve got to be a good trans or else we will not give you healthcare whereas it should actually be accessible to all. I think that almost kind of dilutes the waters in terms of trans culture because since many people have to pretend to have these kind of stories and perfect narratives in society in a way just to get by and like survive in the legal sense. It kind of, it kind of homogenises the trans experience when in fact it’s a very diverse thing and no two experiences are alike and that’s why it’s important to get those voices out there and get stories told and stuff. And even if mine is a bit more like the cultural expectation for being trans I’ve always known and I’m binary and everything else, there is such a wide range of trans experiences even speaking to people like I have friends who are cis, but still have like elements of like gender dysphoria to their lives and there is a story that needs to be told, stories of non-binary people and stuff that often get buried underneath this kind of narrative of you are a good trans or we are not gonna tell your story, like those stories need to get out there and be told to kind of combat that, that main like narrative linear, narrative structure of like I realised I was trans when I was five and then I’ve got on hormones when I was twenty and it doesn’t work out for everyone like that and it’s not fair that people should be expected to because not everyone has the resources or the courage or just even the environmental circumstances. They may not have realised at a certain time or anything like that. It’s not fair for them.

At my college they offer like tons of groups and theirs is like an LGBT one. I’ve never been ‘cos I’m too busy usually goofing around at lunch. But certainly like my college provided those community options. I’m sure there are even more that aren’t like run by like a college or anything that are just run by like people. And certainly like when I’ve been at college, I’ve found other trans people and they’ve been a constant strength and support additionally we’ve been able to support each other in that regard. There’s like a tight knit community of like, we get this, we’re on the same page here. I know a lot of those, ‘cos a I said about half the people in my college, no joke, are LGBT to some extent it’s a massive difference from when I was living, well I am still living in a small town, but living and working in a small town. That’s been, that’s been a huge boon is that we’ve like, I feel much less alone in that kind of environment to just see other trans people there it feels comforting to be like, yeah, I’m not the only person here and I’m not the only one going through this and we’re together in that regard even if everything else goes to hell, we’ve still got each other to look out for.

Google and the internet and stuff is obviously a huge resource. But, from actual governmental sources there’s always been this kind of unclear language used. There has never been a definitive set of like, these are the terms that you use. This is what they mean and so there’s no uniform advice almost. It’s like you could just hear different things from different people and it all depends on what GP you have. Whether they’re even gonna give you any help like my GP wasn’t particularly supportive when we went to speak with him. I had to kind of circumvent that. I couldn’t get a shared agreement with [Private Provider] and my GP for instance. So, there’s a lot of like I had to circumvent all that and luckily thanks to the internet there was places where I could get information about healthcare and stuff and resources and learn about like here’s what HRT is and here is what it’s gonna do to you. That was all great. But on the governmental side, I guess there wasn’t much help at all, really.

What resources were most useful to you? Or most helpful?

I’d say definitely like, but like social media of having friends who are knowledgeable about this stuff. [Private healthcare provider] has been a big resource also. Throughout this process of going through getting hormones with them, they’ve always been there to give advice and support and be very definitive about things and like this is what you need to look out for. These are like this is the changes you are gonna have in your body. Do you consent to all this. They’ve been very clear in language and stuff about that and that’s how to do it. I fully understood the ramifications what I was doing when I was obtaining hormones and be like yeah, awesome.

It’s a long dreaded wait [Laughs]. I am on it as of now and I don’t even know when it’s gonna end. I’ve been on waiting lists before. I’ve had braces and since had them off. Hence my beautiful glowing teeth now. That was a wait of like a good year or so and even that felt like forever especially ‘cos I was like must have been 14 at the time. But this one, I’m cognisant of the fact that it must be about two and a half years long by now. I remember like I last checked the website probably about four months ago or so and they said like, we’re now taking patients who signed up in 2016 and it’s like [Laughs] Mmm… I wasn’t even out in 2016. And especially as like a person and I am 17 and I am on the cusp of adulthood. I very much aware before I complete this waiting list and I’m gonna have to be switched again to the adult services. At that point, it’s like, why am I waiting this long?

The wait list for the Tavistock clinic is obviously a lot longer because it’s all children from the whole country whereas with the adult ones it’s like is everyone from [county] as opposed to everyone, especially teenagers who are the most like at risk and vulnerable group in terms of needing HRT, certainly on the one with the most pressure and social media or whatever. But so whilst my current wait is like two and a half years, I don’t know if it’ll actually be that long and there’s kind of confusion and when are they gonna transfer me over and what is my actual waiting time? They’ve not got in contact with me yet. I just know that I am on the list. But I’ve not actually like received any information so it’s been a very, very confusing experience and I’m just like, I’m figuring, right now that it’s like it’s so far away that it’ll just, it’ll happen when it happens. I just might suddenly get a letter one day and I’ll stop paying. And that’s my understanding of it currently. But I’m very like aware of the fact that it’s a massive issue and have been for a long time because I was like, [intake of breath] oh, it’s a long wait and I’m gonna have to go private [Laughs]. That was like, that was, that was a huge concern for me.

I’ve had four appointments so far and I’ve still, I’m still at CAMHS, despite having four appointments. I think my next one might be with an actual trans healthcare professional, but I’m still going through the CAMHS paperwork. It feels almost like their, like when I first went they had to acknowledge to me that like yes, so we understand that like that being trans is no longer recognised as a mental health issue. I was like, okay, thanks. Why am I here? Like I’m still going through that process. It feels almost like it’s not being used as CAMHS and more as like the waiting room to the actual process which has been difficult in some regards. But I’m very cognisant of the fact I guess that it is just a waiting room and it’s just another form of waiting list. I am just getting out the paperwork and so I can move onto the next actual step.

My first contact with them was summer and this didn’t go anywhere, ‘cos I hadn’t talked to my mum yet. But I was like, hi, could you give me some resources and information about if I were to do this, how I would do it so I can talk to my mum? They gave me all that and that was a really interesting read through and I kind of understood it a lot more then. And then starting in like September as I said, we started contacting them properly in starting this pathway and throughout they’ve been great. Like there’s been, I asked for the stuff and like they gave me here’s the pathway and here’s what you need to do straight away and so I understood like, yes, this is step one. Having that kind of next goal or insight was the motivation to keep going, ‘cos even though it’s like a long wait or a long process, it was always like yes, not long until this bit and that was always a great kind of great resource. So, in order to get hormones under [Private Provider] you eventually have to do an interview, not too dissimilar to this one, which is part of like my comfort in signing up because they ask you about the history of trans issues and like how have you always felt about this. They can kind of get a full portrait of your background. And it’s done over a video call like this, ‘cos they run an entirely online service.

I’ve people I’ve always spoken to on there have been great and supportive and very nice. Even going forward they’ve kept great communication with me like in the next three months I need a blood test, just to ensure my vitals are all okay and stuff and that’s been, the communication on that’s been great and it’s just been a great experience overall. And, ‘cos you pay like a subscription and that means that you can always contact them for advice and stuff and whilst I’ve not had to use that service yet, whenever I have, in the past, whilst I’ve been on the pathway not that kind of post care almost. They’ve always responded quickly and effectively and been precise and accurate with their terminology and stuff.

It’s not like wherever I’ve seen the kind of the reaction to them in the media since they like they’re giving hormones to people that, age groups that some people perceive to be like too young to know or whatever, myself included. I am that age group. But it’s not like a, do you want hormones, yes, here you go, they have this very, very kind of strict process for it. As I said, they kept me well informed on what those processes were. But like it’s never felt I guess unnecessary. It’s always felt like, yes, this is like, I understand why they’re doing this and the reasons for it. And like I’m okay with that. So, it’s like I contacted them first and then I had to have a first like appointment, over video chat where they asked me questions and like give me information and I think it was like an information session. They gave me information about what it is to my parents and to me and say like these are the changes that [name] will undergo, this is the costing and this is how long the timeline should be. Here is what I do every few months and all the rest and that was very clear and precise. And then there was another session afterwards, after doing some paperwork and stuff and then before they finally gave me my hormones, after I’d done everything I could have done, freezing the sperm, I’d done getting blood tests and I’d done everything. They gave me another thing that was like an informed consent sheet and it was like, here is everything that could possibly happen to you if you’re on HRT like everything that’s been like, must’ve been like 20 pages long and I read through the whole thing that was really informative and like even though some of it’s like a zero point zero one percent she might get run over by a car. It’s like it was informative to kind of know that and to say, yes, I give my full consent to this. That was a really informative process and also one that I felt secure in and never like, this is going a little too fast. It always felt like, like I’m getting these on time, but also whilst maintaining these important checks and balances.

I remember being in class. We did a biology. I went to a Catholic school and it was never like, we didn’t put condoms on a banana or anything. But it was like it was like more biological. I felt sick when I saw a lesson. I was like, I have [tp] go out. I went and threw up in the toilet. That’s when I was like, I’m asexual. Like damn this, this is revolting to me. But and I’d always felt that way afterwards. I was like, I don’t have any interest in this. And certainly that was only kind of noticed my genital dysphoria. It was like, yeah, I feel really encouraged about this, especially going through puberty and it was like, it was like my dysphoria around as I went from kind of stage to stage. But as I went through that. You get used to it eventually. But it was definitely a hard process, especially opening up to my girlfriend who was also demi sexual. We both kind of awakened to like those things the future of those as we have a relationship. And it was a difficult process opening up to her in that way, especially ‘cos like she lives in America. We were one in this relationship. That made it, I guess in a way more comfortable but also more difficult. But she helped a lot with that and understanding my own sexuality and stuff and being able to be like, yes, despite my body, I still feel these ways and I’m still okay with that and that’s been, that’s been a rewarding experience with her and definitely as I go through HRT process, that’s changed my understanding of sexuality again, ‘cos it’s like it’s changing every day and like sensations are different and all the rest and how I feel is different. My sexual drive has lowered since starting it and all the rest. But that’s been a more rewarding experience than a scary one whereas before that time beforehand my girlfriend last year. It was always very like scary and like I just feel unclean and horrible and I don’t like any of this and I don’t like the fact that I have a body and I just wanna like live in like a, a cloud [Laughs] not this ugh. It’s been less scary and more worrying now, especially as changes have started to happen with HRT and that’s been like—I feel good about this for once.

The other NHS pathway I took was in order to freezing of sperm and stuff before I started hormones. Me and my girlfriend are planning to get married and have children one day and all the rest. We wanted to kind of have that there as an option. It was semi-private. It was in [city] Women’s Hospital which is an NHS hospital, but was privately costed and so you had to fund it and pay for like the freezing for X amount of years and all of the rest and tests and stuff. It was in an NHS facility with NHS staff. They were all really supportive like how I had experience it like with the fully NHS pathway everyone was really nice and supportive and great and that was all amazing. But there was less of that kind of nonsense in a way. I just kind of went point a, point b, point c, now you’re done. Which was great because I had to do that before starting hormones. It was like a week or so I had hormones ready and I couldn’t take them because I was still doing this. Had there been those kind of barriers in the way like there were with the NHS service, it would have just extended my deadlines so much, which was a really nice experience to just not have that.

When I went to freeze sperm and stuff, obviously like there is a very sexual component to that. It was fine, like I never felt discriminated against because of my gender or anything. I had to go, I had to go through what was technically a male pathway, but I was constantly referred to as [name] and made to feel comfortable with all of that and made to like be reassured in that regard, like on the little like vials where they’re collect the sperm, they wrote, they wrote, prefers [name] on it, which is nice. I was like, ah, thank you guys. Everyone was very understanding and caring. I had to share male facilities because they don’t make like a collection room just for trans women. That would be unnecessary and a waste of money. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with that. I wasn’t like, I don’t want this. Take me to my private room, please. Gold leather only. But it was like, it was a bit like, I understand why I have to go the male route, but it’s like I wish there was an alternative. But that’s been my only real experience. And even then, they were very understanding and very empathetic. I was in a women’s hospital and it was nice. And like the process went very smoothly and they got it all done very efficiently and like, even now, with post check-ups and stuff, they’re still calling me like hi, [name], here’s what’s going on. They are never really implicitly tied my body in my physical sex with my gender or anything like that. That’s been rewarding and went probably better than I expected it would when I first started that process.

And my girlfriend is cis gender and so she can get pregnant and stuff. But in that regard I guess I’m fortunate, because we can have biological children of our own and that’s something we want. There is almost that kind of like stigma there, especially as a homosexual couple. It’s like I almost get, I get scared that I don’t want them to be bullied when we grow up or anything. Hopefully, we’re in a better world by like 10, 15 years’ time when they start going to primary school and stuff. However, it is still a bit nerve-wracking especially as a trans parent, I don’t want that to reflect upon them necessarily in any negative light.

I’m very excited about the prospect of becoming a parent someday. Not for a long while yet. And like the support systems to getting my sperm frozen has been really great. I’m really, really happy with that. And I feel confident that like, I got a call, I think it was two days ago that said like, it’s all clear. It’s all like frozen and good and you’ve got 14, so you can have 14 kids. And I was like, great. I’m gonna have like two. I can’t wait. They’re gonna be there for like up to 50 years, I think.

Like, it can be hard. It’s a very difficult path. It’s not easy and we didn’t choose this. And, personally, I wouldn’t choose this if asked to again. Like there is like you think, I always used to dream of like there being some magical genie or something that would just take me out of this and it is scary and it’s hard to cope with. It’s hard to get over it. You just keep pushing. You will get there and it will be completely worth it. It is hard now, but this is a storm you can weather and you are never alone, never alone. And that, if you have the resources available, you can always use the internet. You can always contact people and there will be people out there are understanding and empathetic. They’ve probably been through the same situation you have. And they have gotten through it and they will survive and so will you. So, just hang in there. Be strong, be brave and be proud of yourself because you’re doing a great thing by just being yourself.

Be open to Shared Care Agreements. They are not scary. They’re a good thing and they’ll help a lot of people and I think that I am someone who is like very proud of the NHS. Like the best thing to happen to this country is the NHS. My favourite prime minister is Clement Atlee, all the rest. Like yes, the NHS are great. And so like I think that Shared Care Agreements and supporting trans healthcare and stuff are an extension of the fundamental ideals of the NHS and the fundamental message of the NHS. And if taking a Shared Care Agreement is part of that and part of extending those services and helping the most people in the most cost effective way possible and helping them get the healthcare they need and helping everyone get the healthcare that’s accessible to them. If taking Shared Care Agreements is a part of that and it’s making it cheaper for a person who isn’t you that healthcare tax to access services then that should be, that should be the standard because that should be the goal of the NHS. I’d say, be open to that and get clued up on trans issues. Even if you don’t have a trans patient yet, you probably will someday. It’s best to read up on it in advance rather than say, I’ve got a trans patient, now I need to read up on it because you may already have one and you might not even know. So, I’d say, definitely read up on, read up on stuff and be open to Shared Care Agreements and stuff. Keep a close relationship with those private healthcare services ‘cos a lot of people rely on them at the minute. And, hopefully, they won’t have to in the future, but, right now, that is the case.