Begam

It was very difficult, you know, like, I went to there’s a centre in [city] called the LGBT centre. It was there I think a, it used to be [place] in [city] and I went up there one day and I spoke to an advisor and there was no trans advisers up there at the time, like. This was several years ago, I think sixteen or seventeen years ago. I didn’t even know there was-if I could speak to someone about trans issues because there was no-one there to talk to. When I went recently, I attended the had employed trans advisors but there just wasn’t enough information out there like who I could speak to. There were like men who were like, gay or lesbian women but this was it. There wasn’t any trans individuals or they weren’t that knowledgeable or specialised on trans issues but when I approached Terence Higgins Trust in [city] they put me forward to a trans worker who was just having one session about all of these issues, these concerns. I think in [city] there was nothing at the time where I was about my own childhood, childhood.

I’ve had suicidal about like ending it, so it’s extremely challenging and very difficult and I think even now my family they don’t understand, they don’t accept it. My dad says, “It’s in the hands, in God’s hands, only God knows what’s best.” But it’s been a difficult, emotional journey I have to say but I haven’t given up in terms of fighting for equality and enabling a better life for people like myself who are trans, anyone going through all of the enormous pressure with family, with culture, with tradition. I’ve landed a job as a, it’s a cleaner job but I’m looking to advance my studies and hopefully my career. I’ve not, not yet decided what I want to study but I’ve done my vocational qualifications on sciences, physics and biology so hopefully something in a medical related profession.

I think it’s been so emotionally damaging, the pressure that’s been put on me, like, I just can’t explain, you know, the damage it’s placed on me, from my family. My mental health has deteriorated significantly, you know and I haven’t moved away from my family for a while for a couple of months and I just feel to myself like why have I had to go through all of this; I’ve felt suicidal. Why am I going though all these problems like. It’s just been so much, so difficult with the amounts of strain, pressure and your life ahead of you. It’s just so challenging, it feels like. But I’m not going to give up and I just keep on going through day by day but working part time.

I think it was just struggling to get used to this whole identity concept, so I used to self-harm a lot with a blade, blood used to go everywhere. My GP said, “This shouldn’t go on. You shouldn’t be doing this.” I think I stopped after a while, but it took a long time for me to stop but I think I, it was just emotional strain and pressure to release, the release of it, releasing that stress.

I think the gain from it was like I was seeking a short-term answer, like doing this. ‘Okay I won’t wake up tomorrow, or the pain will disappear, the sorrow will go away, the grief will go away.’ But I didn’t get used to like, it’s going on day by day and it’s not going to end not unless it’s not an issue unless you expect it and you’re ready for it. That’s all, that’s what I said to myself

I think exercise has helped me, like exercise. Just another problem as well, you know, with the environment it was a boxing club, a boxing academy I used to attend. And the first day I went in there, these are like Irish people who are Irish professional like gang masters who are criminals or whatever in my opinion I got and I, they looked at me, the guys and they laughed, and then I said to them, “I’ve come to see you to do boxing.” But it was okay, fill in the form, I got the time filled out and everything but since then I haven’t gone back but I think doing physical activity on my own I think that’s helped but some of the environments you go into.

I was seen by a psychiatrist, two different psychiatrists at different times and I think one of the psychiatrists, she was ever so nice, she was a young lady, a girl and she had a way that she sympathised with you, the empathy, the way she talked to me, the way that she just came across. Like, you would think like for a psychiatrist if they’re seeing so many patients within the NHS, she was over exceeding the way she presented herself to patients, so I think empathy goes a long way but she was just I think just a human, and a professional who just loved her job and that was showing with the way she came across with patients.

The view in Pakistan. In Pakistan I think compared to the West, our views is in Pakistan I think there’s a lot of stigma, a lot of discrimination. We’re cattle, we’re objects we’re discriminated within our own community. We’re ostracised as a community, but we live, in Pakistan we still live within a civilised society, but we still have rights by legal law. But I think there is a lot of shame from families, from relatives, from the community. It’s just not talked about. There’s a lot of stigma, social norms, taboo. I think in the British concept like, you know, the United Kingdom, this has always been the case. It’s always been an issue it’s almost like these concepts they’re not new. These have been predominantly evident for years now. I think there’s not that much shame, discrimination, and stigma. There’re far fewer concepts in the ideology of talking, it’s more open whereas in Pakistan I mean there’s been death threats, acid attacks so it’s a bit more normal than in Pakistan.

[My mother] wasn’t supportive. My dad was like, at that stage my dad was like, ‘Yeah, like, it could be true, like it’s in God’s will hands like this is true. And he said to everyone, “We haven’t been cursed.” Because they saw it as a religious dishonesty. So we haven’t been cursed or we haven’t been wrongly blessed by this happening because within the religious context within Islamic religion this is an area that’s very great and there’s a lot to do. So they talk to themselves, you know, ‘He’s just choosing this or this is going on or his mind’s not right with all these issues.’ But it took a long time for, you know, for even to date now my mum; she’s not understanding but at least she’s been supportive.