Richard
Father of a trans daughter. Ethnicity: White English.
Father of a trans daughter. His daughter came out as trans at a very young age. She transitioned socially early on at school and so far has had no problems. They have a supportive GP and have had a very positive experience of gender identity services. As parents they go to all the appointments together and their daughter is due to start hormone blockers when puberty is more advanced.
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Father of a trans daughter. His daughter identified as a girl at a very young age. His daughter wanted to wear girls clothes and change her name and when she was dressed as a girl she “really sort of came alive and was much more expressive, dancing and confident.” Later she had confided to her mother that, “She feels like she’s a got a boy’s suit on that she can’t take off.”
A year or two later when she was at school his daughter asked if she could wear girl’s uniform and use a female name. The school were initially negative, “but very soon they got in contact with us and apologised and said that they would like to take back their comments and apologise for any mistake, or error that they’ve made and she could change her name and she could use the unisex toilets.” His daughter has a strong group of friends at school who know that she’s trans. “She lives as a female and most people just presume she is a female.”
His daughter’s goal now is to have blockers, “When she’s goes through puberty and becomes an adult, [she] would like to be an adult woman…She feels that she’s, her heart has always been a woman’s.”
At an early stage in his daughter’s journey he, “Realised how important it would be for me to be as supportive and understanding as possible in a world where she may not always experience support and the opportunity to express herself and not feel that she should pretend to be someone she’s not.” The whole family have been supportive of the transition, but his parents did have some difficult with the change in pronouns.
His daughter was referred to gender identity services at about age 10 through their GP and had a short wait of about six months for an appointment. They are aware that the waiting lists are long and feel they were very lucky to be seen so quickly. As a family they have had a very positive experience of gender identity services, “The two people that we see regularly have been amazingly supportive and understanding and informative and we feel really grateful that we have had the opportunity to speak to people that were so understanding and empathic to our family in the individuals and as a collective.” They initially had appointments every month but this has decreased to about every three months. They have seen specialists at the hospital about hormone blockers and future physical interventions and he felt one of the doctors there was especially good at discussing “really potentially awkward things”. As a parent he is worried about the long-term effects of hormone blockers “the effects of people taking blockers at quite a young age is still relatively new research because they have got to have lived a certain amount of time since taking those blockers and to have any reliable evidence.” His daughter has been approved to have blockers and they are waiting for the right stage of puberty before starting them.
The family have found support through Mermaids, a charity who support trans children and their families, and attend monthly sessions with other families. He is “100% supportive” of his daughter’s transition but finds the idea of his daughter having gender affirming surgery in the future difficult, “But I am fully aware that it’s not my body, it’s her body. And I would prefer my daughter to not need to have an operation. I would have thought any parent would prefer their children not to need an operation.”
Health professionals have discussed fertility preservation options with his daughter and “she was obviously quite embarrassed about, but most children would be, sat in a room with adults talking about producing sperm. So, I think it’s something which she would like to do in the sense that she would like the option of being a parent when she was older.”
When asked what advice he would you give to parents or carers of young trans and gender diverse people he replied “You still have your child and your fear of losing your son or your daughter is just imagined because you still have your child and you still have your family. You haven’t actually lost anything. You just imagine that you have.”
He ends by saying “I feel really proud of her to have the courage to face it head on. I feel proud that she’s been able to have the confidence to be honest with me and share that with me and trust me to support her and protect her. The thought of parents rejecting their children because of this is heart-breaking.”
Richard found the GIDS clinicians to be ‘amazingly supportive and understanding’ of his family.
Richard found the GIDS clinicians to be ‘amazingly supportive and understanding’ of his family.
I’m aware that not everyone has had as positive experiences we have as a family. The two people that we see regularly have been amazingly supportive and understanding and informative and we feel really grateful that we have had the opportunity to speak to people that were so understanding and empathic to our family in the individuals and as a collective.
How was that first meeting? You mentioned that was the first time you remember?
Yeah, so, it was, it was the first time that I’d really sat down with my ex-wife and daughter in that, in a situation like that where we were talking about us as a family and as a marriage breaking up and our daughter and how that might have affected her. I hadn’t really had a formal conversation like that before. And then for future meetings, our daughter would be in the meeting with us for half of it and then a second half or the first half with one of the people that we would speak to, so she could do a time-line on her experiences and talk about things which she might find embarrassing talking about in front of me or her mum or both of us and able to talk perhaps more openly without us being there for the whole meeting. And it also gave me and her mum the opportunity to talk and listen to each other’s perspective and view on what happened and what we think is happening and what we may expect to happen in the future.
Richard felt talking to the specialists at the hospital about hormone blockers and future medical interventions was a very positive experience.
Richard felt talking to the specialists at the hospital about hormone blockers and future medical interventions was a very positive experience.
So, you have been in the care of that service for two and a half years now?
Mmm…
How often do you go and see them?
Initially, it was quite regular and perhaps even once a month and then it becomes less regular. I think it’s perhaps once every three months. We’ve been to the hospital in [city] as well to speak to the specialists about blockers and physical reassignment and get an understanding of sort of the scientific and also the medical aspects of if someone wants to have the transition medically.
How did you find that experiences talking about these more medical interventions?
The doctor was really incredible, really amazing. Spoke in a really understanding way. On the second or third visit, we spoke to a different doctor and she spoke in a way that was quite awkward in comparison to the doctor who, I was really, really impressed with. So, the other person spoke in a way where English wasn’t their first language and how they described a couple of things was a bit awkward, whereas the gentleman, he had obviously had a good experience of really reassuring people and making them feel really comfortable to discuss really potentially awkward things and he would say, ‘Oh, you might find this embarrassing to talk about this subject, but these are some questions that you will get asked’ and deliver the situation in a really, really good way. To sort of prepare the person for what might be a bit awkward and embarrassing. Give them the option of not answering the question if they didn’t want to which I thought was excellent.
Richard talks about the cost of getting to the appointments, and how they can be ‘quite enjoyable’ but also ‘draining.’
Richard talks about the cost of getting to the appointments, and how they can be ‘quite enjoyable’ but also ‘draining.’
I mean, it costs a lot of money. No-one’s ever considered or it doesn’t feel like no-one’s considered, if I have to take a day off work, once a month and then I have to a hospital in [name of city] and back and essentially it’s gonna cost me a couple of hundred pounds every time I do it. My work said, no, they wouldn’t pay for that. They wouldn’t pay, they wouldn’t give me a day off. I have to take that as a holiday. That reduces my holiday time. And actually, I’ve tried to work after going to [name of city], but by the time I’ve actually gone to [name of city] and come back and it’s actually more emotional than I am expecting, generally, because it’s, as I say, they make it quite enjoyable and it’s really nice as an experience going to the [GIDS]. But actually, psychologically, I think it’s quite draining.
Why is it draining?
Because I feel quite different to a day when I am not doing that. To describe it is probably quite hard because it’s, it’s a kind of subconscious tiredness. A lot of sort of searching sort of through my own emotions and searching through how I discuss something which I don’t discuss very often when we go to [GIDS] and possibly conversations here or there in between. My daughter doesn’t really want to talk about it much because the conversations have happened from her perspective. She’s just being as patient as possible before she has the blockers.
Richard talked about what he knows about hormone blockers and the reasons his daughter wanted to take them.
Richard talked about what he knows about hormone blockers and the reasons his daughter wanted to take them.
So, from my perspective how to explain is, if the person is going through puberty, it slows down aspects of the puberty, so if you were born male you would not grow facial hair and they would like, if you were born male for you to be at the early stages of puberty and so your penis isn’t like a child’s penis and starting to become like an adult penis. So, it’s essentially longer, so they can make a vagina from it. If you are a woman, you, if you were born female rather and you wanted to be male, then, it would stop things like, slow-down the process of having periods or stop having periods. They have spoken mainly to us about if you were born male and were reassigning to female. They said that you can stop blockers at any time and it’s likely that you will go through puberty at that stage. Some people don’t grow as tall as they may have if they hadn’t been on the blockers. And they don’t know much more that they can say as a fact rather than in theory or what would be likely to be the case. Certainly, my daughter is very keen to avoid any facial hair; that is her main concern. You’re less likely to have a visible Adam’s apple if you have the blockers and I think that’s quite consistent.
Richard’s daughter was waiting for puberty to become more advanced to start on hormone blockers. He felt frustrated and worried in case her puberty ‘accelerates.’
Richard’s daughter was waiting for puberty to become more advanced to start on hormone blockers. He felt frustrated and worried in case her puberty ‘accelerates.’
They can test what stage of puberty you’re at by either the size of your testicles, by how much pubic hair you produce and a couple of other features and they recommend that she waits until she’s further into puberty before she has the blockers. So, she’s at a stage where it’s relatively frustrating for her, where she’s 13 and almost ready physically to have the blockers, but doesn’t want to miss that opportunity because some people can suddenly move into puberty at an accelerated rate rather than a very steady, gradual process, I think. I think my voice broke one weekend I think, rather than it being a long process as far as I can remember. And I think I probably had facial hair by the time she’s her age. Whereas, she hasn’t got any facial hair and still presents as very feminine.
Richard talked about his daughter being offered fertility preservation options by the endocrinologist.
Richard talked about his daughter being offered fertility preservation options by the endocrinologist.
Have you discussed fertility preservation options with your daughter?
Yeah. It’s something which they basically they offered for her. They explained that it was something that she could do with the aid of something, or the more traditional technique, which she was obviously quite embarrassed about, but most children would be, sat in a room with adults talking about producing sperm. So, I think it’s something which she would like to do in the sense that she would like the option of being a parent when she was older. But she’s talked about adopting or something like that. I remember when she was very young she was saying that she would like to meet a girl who wanted to be a boy, the opposite of her and they could, they could fall in love together and get married and have a baby together because they would have the right physical body parts to make a baby.
When you say, they discussed fertility preservation options with your daughter, who is they?
The hospital. The doctor.
Okay.
I don’t remember [Gender Identity Development Service] ever discussing or describing that.
Richard talked about his daughter being offered fertility preservation options by the endocrinologist.
Richard was supportive of his daughter’s wishes to have surgery in the future, even though he felt that any parent would prefer their children not to need an operation.
Richard was supportive of his daughter’s wishes to have surgery in the future, even though he felt that any parent would prefer their children not to need an operation.
I am 100% supportive of what she wants to do, even though I kind of feel utmost sympathy pains at the thought of someone having an operation anywhere near my privates. I, yeah, I don’t relate to it in the sense that I’d never considered anything like that or thought of anything like that. It seems quite distant for me. But I am fully aware that it’s not my body, it’s her body. And I would prefer my daughter to not need to have an operation. I would have thought any parent would prefer their children not to need an operation. And I am sure it will be really emotional the thought of your child having an operation to any parent. I kind of think that we’re probably lucky that she hasn’t got any illness that is the reason for her to have an operation. And lucky that is an operation that hopefully will make her happy and she will be grateful for.
For Richard the thought of saying the wrong name, or using the wrong pronouns for his daughter felt odd.
For Richard the thought of saying the wrong name, or using the wrong pronouns for his daughter felt odd.
If I said ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ in reference to my daughter, I’d feel really awkward. I think it’s something which I may have done a couple of times a few months ago, but I don’t think I have for a few years. It feels like this has been our reality for probably longer than it has, to be honest. So, the thought of saying the wrong name or saying the wrong ‘he’ or ‘she’ seems really distant, although I think I probably have done that, accidentally and just sort of move on from it as quickly as possible, rather than draw too much attention to it.
Richard described the fear of losing his son as ‘imagined future’ without him.
Richard described the fear of losing his son as ‘imagined future’ without him.
So that was my fear losing my son who I was so close to and I guess I was imagining a future without my son rather than imagining a future with my child or my family. That was the anxiety, this sort of imagined future without my son. But the reality was that I had my child throughout that time and still do. So, it was just an imagined loss rather than a real one.
Richard felt support groups gave people a sense of belonging.
Richard felt support groups gave people a sense of belonging.
I’ve been to a couple of the meetings. They were very much run by parents just there talking about their experiences without anyone necessarily with an agenda to teach you anything or share anything specific. It’s more of an open discussion. And sometimes it’s not even talking about transgender issues. It’s just a group of people getting together having a catch-up on their lives. I think for the mums just to sort of have a, and I say mums and sometimes dads there as well, just to go to a group where everyone doesn’t feel like they stand out and to be in a situation where you feel as much like you fit in as possible is a very welcoming environment for people when they feel they are isolated or don’t really fit in in the way they may have felt before.
Richard talked about the need to be gentle with oneself.
Richard talked about the need to be gentle with oneself.
The good news is that you still have your child and your fear of losing your son or your daughter is just imagined because you still have your child and you still have your family. You haven’t actually lost anything. You just imagine that you have…
So the advice is, be gentle with yourself when you are feeling upset or anxious because you are imagining an outcome rather than experiencing the outcome.
Richard thought it was important for health professionals to be honest and respectful when speaking with young trans people.
Richard thought it was important for health professionals to be honest and respectful when speaking with young trans people.
What advice would you give to doctors and nurses working with young trans people?
To be confident to be honest. And, the best technique to talk about awkward, embarrassing conversations is to tell the person that they may find this bit of the conversation awkward or embarrassing and deliver the information in a friendly, honest way and the young person is likely to respect them for feeling respected.’