Messages to other parents and carers

The people we spoke to offered many different kinds of advice based on their experiences of having a trans or gender diverse child. They were keen to give messages that would reassure and give hope to other parents and carers in similar situations. One parent said: ‘Being trans is not a bad thing. And trans children can have really, really happy lives and normal lives.’
The key messages parents had for others were about:
  • Getting peer support from other parents/carers;
  • Being gentle with oneself;
  • Being there for the young person;
  • The importance of communication and not worrying about what others will say;
  • Gathering and filtering information; and
  • Dealing with everyday challenges.

Interview 1 talks about how parents and carers can help spot and challenge some of the barriers and discriminations faced by trans and gender variant children.

Get to know trans people, read things written by trans people and watch videos made by trans people. Get to just get surrounded by more trans voices. This is assuming this is a parent who hasnt already had that privilege. And, yeah, being trans is not a bad thing. And trans children can have really, really happy lives and normal lives and most of the problems that a trans child faces is just due to ignorance and so the more a parent can learn about trans children just being a normal part of a diverse world. And the more that, the more that parents can educate themselves about to spot cisnormativity so that’s to spot when, so like the world is set up assuming there arent any trans people. And if we set up the world assuming there are trans people, some of the barriers and discriminations that our kids face wouldn’t be there. And I think if you can spot when that happens, when there is something going on that’s implicitly or explicitly assuming everyone should be cis then that’s, theyre the points at which there’s sometimes problems for trans children.

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Getting peer support from other parents/carers

As well as supporting their trans and gender diverse child, people we spoke to encouraged other parents and carers to seek support for themselves too.

Josie encouraged other parents and carers to seek support for themselves if they feel they need it, and not to beat themselves up’ about feeling down at times.

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I would tell them to talk to other parents and talk to other trans and gender diverse young people. I would tell them to seek help if they need it. I would tell them that it’s gonna be okay. And tell them it’s gonna be fine. I would tell them not to worry. But I would also tell them, you know, if they go through a period when theyre feeling really sad and you know, feeling bereaved, I would tell them not to beat themselves up about that, either.

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Parents we spoke to emphasised the importance of looking for support and connecting with others who are facing similar issues. Joining support groups in person or online was one way to do this. Support groups can give parents and carers space to share and learn from others in similar situations. Most parents and carers spoke highly of Mermaids and other support groups they were able to attend locally, and advised others to find and join such groups. Andrew said ‘talk to other parents. Find out where your local support groups are.’

Lesley spoke about the importance of connecting to other parents of trans children.

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One is to get the support or have the support of your family, cause it can be quite lonely and isolated. And seek out connect with other parents of trans kids, because there is a commonality in shared experience. All our journeys are different, but there is a commonality there that means that parents of other trans kids just get it. You don’t really need to explain. There’s just someone like, I know.

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Oonagh spoke about the importance of local support groups as well as about allowing the young person to lead the process.

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I would say that you should just be led by the child and if a child is saying that they want to go to school in a uniform, particular uniform or they want to dress in clothes different to what they are dressing in at the moment, that you should just go with what they want and take, take it day by day and be led by the child also just to try and get as informed as possible. Join local support groups and seek out other parents whove gone through the experience. Everybody’s experience is different, but everybody can bring, every experience can bring something thatd be useful for you to know. And even just having that community that you can call upon if you need to ask a question can make the difference and give you confidence really to do the best for your child. And not doubt, yeah, not doubt, not doubt your child and not be pressured by anybody else. Just go by what your child wants to do.

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You can read more about sources of support here.

Being gentle with oneself

Richard felt that it was important to be gentle with oneself when experiencing negative emotions or feelings of loss. Oonagh said it was sometimes hard to know ‘what the right thing is to do’, but her advice was ‘to be as open as you can’.

Richard talked about the need to be gentle with oneself.

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The good news is that you still have your child and your fear of losing your son or your daughter is just imagined because you still have your child and you still have your family. You haven’t actually lost anything. You just imagine that you have
So the advice is, be gentle with yourself when you are feeling upset or anxious because you are imagining an outcome rather than experiencing the outcome.

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It is not always easy for parents and carers to support their young person and in our interviews people spoke about making sense of their childs gender identity whilst doing their best to be there for their child.

Be there for the young person

Other common themes in the messages people had for others were focused on the importance of being there for the young person and giving them unconditional support. Mel said: ‘If you can support and understand your child and give them unconditional love and give them a place to feel safe when they can like really express and be themselves, I think they’ll be in a lot stronger position.’ Kate echoes this too: ‘Make sure that they know you love them and that you love them as your child, not as your son or as your daughter.’ Ross thought it was important that parents let their children know that ‘you’re there, I’m ready to talk whenever you are. If you don’t wanna talk now, I’m still here’.

Ross urged other families to take children and young people seriously and offer unconditional support.

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Very often you are gonna be their rock. You are gonna be the only person theyre gonna trust and feel safe with. And youve gotta keep that there. If you start losing that then you’re gonna lose your child. Theyll throw themselves in front of a train. And it will happen, because everybody’s gotta have somebody to share their problems with. And if they don’t feel they can share it with their parent then, even if the parent’s unsupportive of the transition that you kind of need to be there just for their child. It’s still their child, whether theyre male or female shouldnt make any difference, but some it does. It’s kind of—but listen and take em seriously, because if, for them, it is a real serious big thing. And if it’s a phase, well then it will pass. If it is a fad, it will pass. So, keeping the communication open. If it is only a fad or a phase let them know that it’s completely okay to experiment to try and if they want to U-turn that’s completely okay as well. you’re backing them unconditionally. It doesnt matter. But keeping that communication open, so you know what’s going on in their head.

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The importance of communication and not worrying about what others will say

Another key message was that it is important to listen to the young person and take their feelings about their gender identity seriously. Ross encouraged others to ‘listen to them. Listen to em and take em seriously I think itd probably be the main thing.’ The need to listen and focus on the child was also something that Andrew talked about. He explained: ‘I suppose the number one thing really is just focus, on the child. Listen to the child. Listen to what they’ve got to say. Process it as a family and then try and seek some support.’
Many other parents also stressed the importance of communication and being able to discuss things honestly with children.
Both Mel and Kate spoke about how it is important not to worry about what others might think and focus instead on supporting the child.

Mel talks about not worrying about other people’s opinions.

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Really, really, listen to what their child is saying. To have patience with themselves, with their child, with the process. To try and get as much balanced information as they can and not worry, cos so many are saying, what’s such and such is gonna say. It really isn’t important what others think. We may think that it is, but, for us it’s just not important. What’s the most important thing is that, you know, your child’s wellbeing and their health and that’s the most important thing. Everything else can just wait and fall by the wayside. Everyone else can manage their own opinions about stuff. But that understanding and love. If you can support and understand your child and give them unconditional love and give them a place to feel safe when they can like really express and be themselves, I think they’ll be in a lot stronger position and everyone would just feel a lot more [sighs] ah, don’t know, don’t know. I don’t know.

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Gathering and filtering information

Parents we spoke to also emphasised how important it is to find information. Some talked about the importance of the quality of information about health care and medical issues, as they thought not all information on the internet was good or accurate. Georgina, who is active in her local support group for parents, said: ‘my advice is always do some research. But be careful what you research, because there’s a lot of negative stuff out there.’

Kate speaks about the importance of communication, making the child feel secure and getting as much information as possible.

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I think talk to them. Talk to your child. Make sure that they know that you love them and that you love them as your child, not as your son or as your daughter. If you need help, get that help try not to worry about things that you don’t know are gonna be a problem. I spent a lot of time worrying about what the rest of my family would think. How they would feel and whether we would be left with them or not. I think I worried that it would just end up the four of us, my husband and I and my two boys. But everyone’s been amazing. So, yeah, don’t worry about the things that you don’t necessarily need to worry about yet. But get as much information as you can. Yeah, stay in touch with your child as much as you can. Make them, make them as secure and comfortable as you can. And spot, try and spot those signs that actually if they are uncomfortable wearing a certain thing or being expected to behave in a certain way that you make it okay for them not to do those things anymore.

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Everyday challenges

Parents we spoke to shared their experiences of everyday challenges and how to deal with them.
Lisa thought that as parents of a trans child, people should be prepared for a struggle. That is why she felt that parents needed to educate themselves. In her words: ‘There’s lots of different views about everything associated with caring for a transgender child, Well, read about it. Learn about it. Find out about it. What are the options, you know? And make a decision. As a parent you know your child better than anyone. And make a decision that’s right for your child, not just what society might tell you would be the easy path.’
To prevent bullying, Kate said she wished she had worked more closely with her son’s school. She said: ‘I wished that I had talked to the school more. I suppose when I thought perhaps things aren’t quite right.’ You can read more about experiences at school here [link to TS19]. D felt making sure the young person has someone else to confine in could help to support them.

D talked about making sure the young person has someone to talk to besides the parents, about the things that worry them.

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I think the advice that parents would be to try and open up the conversation with your children to find out what’s really worrying them. What’s upsetting them. How they feel about people at school. There’s often, there’s often something going on as they’re younger. Even at university, and it’s very difficult because as the parents, you know, especially when you’ve got teenagers and older adults, they, they naturally want to keep things to themselves. They may not want to talk to you. So, it might be that you get someone else like a trusted friend or someone who acts like an aunt or a godparent, someone else in your connection maybe able to talk to them more easily than you can.

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When it comes to healthcare, Ali spoke about the need to be patient with the healthcare process. She said: ‘Try and be patient. Dont expect anything to move quickly.’ Lesley thought it was important to get referred to the Gender Identity Development Services early (see also section on Getting referred). Her advice was to ‘get yourself on the list to see the [Gender Identity Development Services ] as soon as possible, cause God knows how long it’s gonna be before you get seen.’

Jan felt that parents should be assertive in getting healthcare for their children when they face barriers.

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What advice would you give to parents or carers of young trans and gender diverse people?

To fight for the care that they deserve. So if theyre faced with a GP who is, you know, it’s, it’s their first point of call, their everyday point of call for all things medical. If they are not willing to help they need to fight to get that help.

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You can also find out more in these sections about peoples messages to healthcare professionals and improving services.

Finding support

Parents of trans or gender diverse children can face many pressures. These include processing their own reactions and emotions, accessing specialist gender identity services, being...