Only I think in that, for the first year afterwards, I was very tired. And very cross, just because I was tired. Normal levels of you know, new baby crossness, not depressed. But just physically very tired a lot of the time. And I think it makes you a worst parent doesn’t it? So, but not I would say… overwhelmingly, but you can’t tell, can you, it affects some children. You think you’re going to escape things and then they might turn round when they are 25 and say, “You, you really ruined me with that six months where you were…” I don’t know. I don’t think so though. 

 

And we even, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we even thought about giving her up for adoption when we, after a month or so of having her, because we were so in a state. [Partner] couldn’t look at me. He was breaking down all the time. I was breaking down all the time. It didn’t feel like she was mine. I was in agony, I didn’t know if I was ever going to get over what had happened to me. And I just thought look at us, this isn’t the family I wanted for her. This is not the environment I wanted for her. Her parents can’t talk. Her parents can’t hug. He’s in shock. I was in shock. We were on our own with nobody else. And I thought she needs a happy family. She needs a family that are going to be able to give her what she needs. Are going to be able to make her happy, secure, and she needs a parent she can fall back on. And when I’ve been at my lowest, lowest ebb. I thought she can’t fall back on me, she can’t fall back on him. Because we’re wrecked. It felt like we’d broken really. Because we’d been through a lot, before we moved up here, that’s why we moved up here. Because we had terrible neighbour disputes down south, horrible neighbours that used to threaten us. So we’ve been through stress enough. And this was it. This was what really did it. It’s just, the doctors were worried about us. They really were. 

 

My GP sees me weekly, checks to make sure I’m still alive. Which isn’t very nice. But like I say I’m really getting there now. It’s like I say it’s my faith in God that makes me get through it.

 

And that was when I started running. And I started running in this summer I did my first long run. I mean I ran before then, but I never did kind of serious running. And we… went for a holiday to Italy on that summer and [son] was 5 at the time. Five and a half. Said something like in the airport in Bologna on the way out to holiday, “If you won’t buy me these sweets I’ll kill myself.” And that’s when I thought we’d better go for some therapy. 

 

And we did. We went to about seven sessions or something, supposedly on the back of what [son] was experiencing, but actually we both needed it very much as well. And, we also had some bereavement counselling before then, when I was still at home. Those three month of being home, in December, January, February. 

 

 

It’s a very good question. I often wondered about it. He definitely remembers it. He definitely really wanted to have a brother. When we adopted the twins eventually we had the two girls. He was very nice to them. He had had a long wait. I mean he was seven by the time they appeared on the scene so… three years or so… he had a lot on his shoulders, because we were two very doting parents and that in itself is hard for a single child to have these two adults. And he’s a very healthy, mentally healthy young teenager now and knock on wood doing really well academically, extremely well socially. And excelling in everything he touches. He, you know, he’s good at sports, he’s a prefect, he’s this and that. So you can’t see anything very clearly, evidently but he has his sensitivities. I can’t put my finger on it, and I’m probably too involved to be able to analyse my own child. 

 

 

It was awful. It was absolutely awful, saying goodbye to her. That first night I was just [laughs] she was so little, she was only two still, and I can remember walking back and just being in floods of tears, and again the same lovely midwife just say, “Oh you know, it’s so hard to be a Mum.” So…

 

 

And I just felt I missed out on so much. You know, when I got home, just in those few weeks, oh ten weeks, she’d grown up so much, and I so wanted to spend some time with her and do some nice things before the baby came and we didn’t do any of that so … and just little things. She got glasses while I was in hospital. You know, I made my husband pick up samples and bring them in so that I could approve them [laughs]. But it’s things like that, just, just everyday life really. But, you know, she was amazing. I’m so proud of her. Even though she just really on the whole, didn’t, didn’t drop stride and … afterwards, I think, you know, even now she’ll sometimes make some comment, I would have thought by now, it’s such a long time ago, that it might have, but she still remembers it quite clearly about, you know, which is your hospital and, and I think when I had my six week check with the GP, I left her with my neighbour just while I went down, and I said, “I’m just going to the doctor. I’ll be back … You know, and I’ll be back. You stay here with [name] and play.” And she just lost it. “No.” 

 

Because we’d explained things in very simplistic terms. So I had to explain to her, “I’m not going to hospital.” She said to me, “You promised you wouldn’t go back to the hospital.” And … you know, so that was, and we explained things very basically, so when [second daughter] was born and we’d said to her, “Mummy has to be in hospital until the baby comes out of mummy’s tummy and all the rest of it.” And so as soon as [second daughter] was born, she said, “Well, why aren’t you home? Come on.” [Laughs]. And you think oh gosh. 

 

And we had, when [second daughter] came out of special care, we had to stay over again, and trying to explain to her, that I had to go back in, even though it would only be a short … I mean, she got so upset, she just screamed and screamed and gave herself a nosebleed in the hospital [laughs]. 

 

It was just, but you know, I mean they’re resilient and, I think to be honest it hurt me more than it hurt her [laughs]. I think.

 

 

I think they got over it as soon as I come, as soon as I walked through the door, it was like okay she’s back now. I think they completely forgot about it.

 

 

Yes, completely forgot about it, yes. I contacted the school once I came home. We got a letter saying that [Name] is not doing well. My son is highly academic, the eldest and he started to slack, so the teachers noticed this lack of interest and I phone them and I said, “I’ve just come home from hospital and had the baby and I want to arrange a meeting because I’m worried about my son.” And said, “Why were you in hospital?” And I said, “We told you, my sister informed the school that you need to take, be aware that [Name] is dealing with his trauma at home because I’m in ICU…” Oh we didn’t know. No one passed the message, filtered the message through to his teachers… So the school apologised straight away, but little things like that that you wouldn’t think. I made sure that one of the things on my list was the schools know about my condition, so the children, just in case it affects they children they know why and then can deal with it. The younger children had support from their teachers. ”Don’t worry Mum, we’ll be okay.” Or yes, “Are you looking forward to the baby?” adapted them to the baby. And Mum not being around for so long. But the eldest didn’t get that support at school. And they didn’t even know, and then when they found out they were very comforting towards him. But it had passed, you see for him, it was just a relief that he didn’t talk about it.

 

 

Well I think [son]’s none the wiser. [Eldest son] my eldest, he came to see me when I was in ICU and he, he was quite shocked, you know, he, he was quite upset by it, to see me in such a state, he said I looked very old [laughs]. That’s nice. But he’s been very good actually. We’ve got a very, very good close relationship and actually he’s one of the few people now that I can talk to about it and he’ll listen and he doesn’t judge me. He actually offers me quite good sage advice for someone, you know, I wouldn’t say so young, because 18’s not young now, but he was obviously 16 at the time. But yes, he kind of offers me quite good sage advice and he always says things like, “Chin up Mum.” [Laughs]. So he’s great. He’s a good lad. But again he’s moved on so…